I remember being at the beach as a kid, and a friend of mine showed me how to pick up a crab from behind where its claws couldn’t reach. So I tried it and did it wrong and the crab pinched the shit out of my thumb. So I threw it. And a bunch of seagulls came down and dismembered it alive.

Take that, asshole crab. I wasn’t going to eat you but you felt like you had to prove a fucking point.