I feel like Diogenes of Sinope would’ve said this. Right before taking a shit in the amphitheatre on his way to throw a featherless chicken at Plato.

I don’t see how this is supposed to be a shitpost.

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I don’t have dogs anymore as I’ve become a cat person as an adult.

But every dog I see in public is petted as applicable. And I say ‘sup dawg’ to every damned one I see.

This is objectively a more virtuous way to live a life, than to try to get all people to like you.

As I drive or walk around, I am saddened by the fact that I am not able to pet all the dogs that I desire to. Some owners are disinterested, sometimes, it’s just not an option.

However, I have a plan.

I’m going to go to a public park where there are many dogs, ideally cute ones that I want to pet. I am going to take a table with me and have a big banner printed up that says “Official Dog Inspection” and set up near the primary entrance to the park. I will get a white shirt and a black tie, lab coat and a clipboard or tablet.

Now, every person with a dog will be compelled to stop so that I can pet their dogs! I can’t MAKE them do it and if they ask “official what?” I can just shrug or say “I’m offically petting your dog”. I will not lie to anyone, I will just do something that looks like it’s some sort of authority without claiming that I am one.

I may miss out on some real good petting, but I think it would be worth it. I could also have some tags or something made that says “Grade A Dog” that the owners can have. Even if the dog isn’t Grade A, there’s no harm in a little embellishment.

Dogs can smell people’s emotional states. They smell the adrenaline in people who are afraid and infer danger. They smell oxytocin and whatever else when people are in love. They read body language, well. They know. When you love dogs, they will love you.

When I go to the dog park, all the dogs hang out with me, sometimes even more than with their owner, and the owners comment on it with a mix of humour and jealousy. They go back to playing for a bit then come back to me for more affection. My wife calls me DoggyJesus because I have so many apostles.

The trick to get a shy, but friendly, dog to like you is eye contact. Dogs looks for eye contact as a sign of trust and safety.

Unlike cats. Dont ever look a stranger cat in the eye if you want them to let you pet them. Cats use eye contact as a sign of aggression between them.

Little dogs are very wary of me but with any contact soon calm down. Large dogs however are all really nice from the start.

I speak fluent dog, nearly all dogs like Me.