Well without going too much deeper into my own story:
I then got very badly injured, got fired, got evicted, spent years crippled and homeless.
… So I know I don’t count.
And, having been something of an impromptu … effectively a field medic … oh yeah, I had ODs die on me, had people with necrotic, long untreated wounds, exacerbated by drug use… that I could do a basic field dressing of, beg them to go to a hospital, then never see them again. Sometimes I was treating minor gunshot wounds, stab/slash wounds. Sometimes I was dodging drive by shootings myself.
I’ve now very directly personally saved some, at least temporarily, and lost friends.
To the point that I have PTSD now too, and can tell you there is an entire second world behind the facade where a low level war is playing out, all the time, that most ‘normal’ people just … want to go away, whatever it takes, whatever it costs.
… To the point that I’m not able to be clever, or philosophical about it… I’ve fully experienced the horror of it, and can frankly only conclude the reason I am still alive is … basically, dumb luck.
All I know is that it doesn’t have to be this way, and that it is this way… causes me great anger.
My current goal is working on controlling that anger… pure rage makes you stupid, thus useless. Also makes you into a just generally unlikeable asshole.
I’m really still just recovering, physically, and mentally.
… yeah, don’t even know where I’m going with this, like I said, it broke my ability to … consider the implications of ‘the whole thing’. ‘The whole thing’ did too much damage to me.
Yep.
The absurdity of it all… I do not see how any thinking person could understand, and not be enraged.
I did a bit of a stealth edit, wrote more after you replied here, but basically:
Anger is a gift, when it is righteous, it motivates just actions.
But it is also a danger, because too much anger makes you stupid, makes you do things that will not help the situation, potentially make it worse.
All I can say for myself personally is that self-discipline… must be strong, and diligent.
When death can visit such a dispossessed (or dispossesable) person so easily, making mistakes needlessly is just going to shorten your lifespan, and you must be alive to be able to enact or spur any kind of real and good change.
Thus the anger must be controlled, otherwise, you will lose yourself, in one way or another.
If I can offer a seemingly stupid but effective trick:
Box breathing.
Inhale for 5 seconds.
Hold for 5 seconds.
Exhale for 5 seconds.
Do that at least 3 times, if you need to, wait 30 seconds, do 3 of em again.
By some quirks of our biology, with most people, it does help lower cortisol, and help you maintain focus, be more rational.
Sometimes, in a particularly enraging or terrifying situation… which is still ongoing, you still need to be able to think, or you may die.
Or, just generally, when you’re not in a life threatening situation, it works too.