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Cake day: April 10th, 2025

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  • Oh I made the choice that I will not be having kids, ever, before I got out of highschool.

    Not primarily out of spite.

    Primarily because I recognize that my upbringing was fucked up enough that it fucked me up, no matter how much therapy I’ve done. There are echoes and tendencies of them… and scars from them…

    And also, apparently my mother (and her brother) have a literally novel form of neuropathy… like, they discovered the unique genetic sequence/mutation in them.

    So just no, I’m ending this genetic and epigenetic line with myself.

    Maybe, maybe if I’m ever not broke and crippled and near destitute, I would consider adoption, but unless my fortunes dramatically improve, not in the cards.


  • They were.

    They were also probably similarly upset that they can no longer abuse me after they essentially tried to ruin my life / indirectly kill me for the … 3rd, 4th time? And I then ghosted them to the point that I’m quite sure they think I am dead.

    They might be in for a surprise when I report my dad to the IRS for illegally listing me as a dependant on his taxes for the last few years though.

    … I’ve got a goddamned degree in Econ and another in Poli Sci, this idiot is Q Anon MAGA cultist who builds ghosts guns in his garage, and bought a house at the literal peak of the housing market, a few years back.

    But according to them, I’m the crazy idiot.

    Ok then. Sure.

    Anyway, I guess +1 for the CPTSD by way of ‘entire family is mentally unstable narcissists’ club.


  • sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.comtoLemmy Shitpost@lemmy.worldThe Matrix
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    2 days ago

    Its much… much more terrifying if you watch both parts of The Second Rennaissance from the AniMatrix.

    Basically, the machines win the war against humans and then spend a century or couple just… doing all kinds of horrifying Mengele level experiments on humans, to attempt to fully understand their biology, neurology, etc…

    And also, Smith gives details about the previous versions of the Matrix, in the first movie, as he is taunting Morpheus:

    Agent Smith:

    Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world? Where none suffered, where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost. Some believed we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world. But I believe that, as a species, human beings define their reality through suffering and misery. The perfect world was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from. Which is why the Matrix was redesigned to this: the peak of your civilization. I say your civilization, because as soon as we started thinking for you it really became our civilization, which is of course what this is all about. Evolution, Morpheus, evolution. Like the dinosaur. Look out that window. You’ve had your time. The future is our world, Morpheus. The future is our time.

    arguably more spoilers for this 20+ year old set of movies and what not

    I believe the Architect says some things about it as well, and like, the Merovingian and his entire crew of Exiles, and Seraph… they’re all programs that were designed to be essentially monsters or angels, in older versions of the Matrix, who refused to be deleted along with a version change, and basically hide in the Matrix… an Agent would see them as an anomaly and try to destroy them.

    The Matrix Online went into this kind of thing in a lot more detail, but … I think it basically mostly isn’t canon anymore. But parts of it might be. … very confusing to try to sort all that out.



  • sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.comtoLemmy Shitpost@lemmy.worldThe Matrix
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    2 days ago

    The fun part is that the inhabitants of Zion are, canonically, shown to have very incomplete information about the actual state of the world, their own history, how the machine civilization works.

    Neo is told basically ‘we think it is the year 2XXX, but really, we have no idea’, in the first movie.

    Without spoiling much… Morpheus is wrong about some things, some pretty important things.

    Hell, so is the Architect and even the Oracle says that some things are beyond her ability to predict.

    But anyway… its entirely possible that the battery explanation is just another thing that Morpheus, the broad understanding of Zion itself, is wrong about.

    So this doesn’t actually ‘break’ the canon at all.

    In fact, I’d argue that it makes the idea of ‘free your mind’ even more interesting and complex.

    Even the truthseekers and truthtellers… can be wrong.


  • Dang, I didn’t regularly get the shit beat out of me, but basically everything just up to that, screaming, random punishments that made no sense, shit getting thrown around, doors opened and slammed, etc.

    Absolutely no concept of being allowed to have an actually private and safe space, untill I went off to uni.

    My entire family was like this.

    I also learned to wear a headset like this.



  • I was homeless for a while.

    … I know I couldn’t handle being a real paramedic.

    Made my way as a make shift paramedic, treating various injuries and wounds that people would… appear with, at or near an encampment or something. Usually just field dressing a laceration, jerry rigging a makeshift splint.

    Occasionally a gunshot wound.

    I always begged people who needed more care than I could provide to go to a hospital.

    Sometimss they did, sometimes they or their friends would refuse.

    Fentanyl… zombies is actually pretty close to an accurate description.

    I’ve seen more necrotic flesh, gray tissue and pus where either a stab wound or injection site once was… than I want to remember.

    Your body can’t naturally heal when it’s … hooked on the blues. The stuff was all crushed blue tablets where I was, everybody just called em ‘blues’.

    Successfully stabilized a few ODs … not all of them.

    Also happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time: drive by shooting.

    The streets are basically like a warzone, if you’re in them too long.

    Fuck, I’m two years out of homelessness now, and I’m still doing PT to recover from my own injuries.


  • … this is the tame, fishbowl, lemmy version of 4chan community.

    Yes, yes obviously most of the people here come from very fucked up families.

    … do you think normal, well adjusted, happily raised children… tend to end up anywhere near 4chan?

    There’s a reason 4chan has been repeatedly targetted and 4channers have been repeadtedly weaponized by extreme right wing political groups.

    4chan’s demographic is primarily fucked up young men/boys.


  • sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.comto196@lemmy.blahaj.zoneDeaf rule
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    3 days ago

    Genuienly, thank you for explaining to me what … it is like.

    I didn’t mean to be rude, putting things the way that I did, but, in retrospect, … seems like I was.

    So for that, I apologize.

    Does… like what I am doing right now, typing out a sentence before hitting ‘post’… does that I guess ‘feel’ different than this kind of “motion” you describe?

    Of course, the physical act of engaging your digits to actually type is one thing, as would be literally writing down a note…

    Sorry, I am just… at a total loss to attempt to comprehend this at a level beyond … well the closest analogy I can think of is martial arts.

    I trained for 10 years, got a black belt, and somewhere around year 7ish… it stopped being somewhat like RD Jr Sherlock Holmes logically narrating his own plan in his head… and became much more ‘instinct’, maybe like the ‘motion’ you describe… processing is going on, I could maybe give you a description of 30 seconds or a minute after a very short bout, but … semantic processing is simply too slow, at a certain point, ‘instinct’ takes over.

    Now I don’t know if that sounds crazy or not, but that’s my … closest thing I can think of to what you are describing.

    Another possible comparison is myself taking 3 years of Spanish.

    By year 3, I was actually ‘thinking’ in Spanish, when hearing or trying to formulate Spanish. Whereas before that, English. Now that I’m significantly out of practice of that, I no longer ‘think’ in Spanish.

    Maybe that is somewhat analagous to the effort you would have to undertake to have an inner monologue in any language?


  • sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.comto196@lemmy.blahaj.zoneDeaf rule
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    3 days ago

    No, this is actually a really interesting topic regarding cognitive development, neuroscience, and ‘what even is consciousness?’

    Like, apparently, around a 1/3 to 1/2 of ‘normal’ people… don’t have an inner monologue.

    They don’t have an experience of their own inner thoughts as … semantic sentences, an inner voice.

    Presumably, such people would literally not be capable of thinking in detail about what they say, before they say it.

    Or, maybe there is some… other kind of inner langauge of some other form?

    ???