I cannot believe I did this ! But there I was on the surgery table, about to receive anaesthetics. And all the anxiety that had been building up suddenly became just too much.
I’m not quite sure why I did it yet. All I know is I tore up the consent document and started crying, crying without being able to stop.
The nurses have been very nice with me, they got me a warm blanket and were very gentle and supportive. The surgeon a little less so, I’m not sure he’ll let me come back. He said the next spot they can offer me will be three years from now.
I still think I want to do this ? But not today. Not today. I don’t feel capable of going through with it today. I felt like I was going to DIE on that table.
I think I need a therapist to process this. I don’t understand my emotions at ALL yet.
Mistake me not, I want a vaginoplasty. For myself.
But for whatever reason, which I’m going to decipher with a therapist soon, I could not consent to this particular vaginoplasty, under those particular circumstances, with that particular team, that particular technique, this particular set of expectations…
One or more of those elements are to blame, and possibly others unlisted. But for the last two days I have been thinking, and there is no doubt in my mind I want to have a vagina.