IMO you and your partner should always communicate prior about whether it would be okay to wake each other up with sex, and not doing so is irresponsible.
I don’t think being woken up with a sexual act you couldn’t consent to is a good way to define rape. A good definition is whether the act was wanted or unwanted. There’s a subtle difference here.
If being woken with a BJ was wanted, then it’s not rape. But it could have been rape if it was unwanted. It’s extremely irresponsible to pray and hope that the contact was wanted without establishing anything prior. Basically: it’s possible to consent to something during/after the fact. But it’s dangerous, and why risk being a rapist by doing it that way when you can simply have a conversation about whether it would be okay?
The point is more that if men were viewing themselves as “most likely victims” because they’ve been told repeatedly that men get raped a bunch, and that acts such as wakeup BJs count as rape in the eyes of the narrative, then they’d be mass reporting themselves as being raped for an act that, at present, most guys shrug at. It’s the societal ‘norm’ that says “all men should always want sex” that underpins it in a way, in that men almost never consider themselves victims in this regard – that, paired with the norm that men’s bodies are completely disposable. And it’s partially the societal norm that women’s bodies are inherently desired/wanted/to be protected, that makes them view a lot more scenarios as ‘rape’ – and allows them to decide if its rape years after the event even, if they later realise they felt some sort of pressure to go through with it. Much different measurement methods for the same concept, so it seems really disingenuous to compare them directly.
Similarly, women have been told repeatedly that they’re discriminated against at work. If they see a group of guys going out after work to a pub, and they don’t get invited, they’d likely report that as gender discrimination – it’s networking opportunities that they’re being denied. I’ve even heard COO women on Freakonomics before commenting about how the choice of activities/conversation topics, being not the ones that women typically do/talk about, isolates/discriminates against them. Meanwhile guys, seeing a group of girls going to the girl only gym, are not meant to see that as gender discrimination / not ‘trained’ to view it as gender discrimination. When a group of women is discussing women-centric topics, men aren’t trained to see that as isolating. So when you later ask both groups if they’ve been discriminated against, “Surrpise!” the women will claim it more regularly, while the guys will be oblivious / nonchalant about it.
IMO you and your partner should always communicate prior about whether it would be okay to wake each other up with sex, and not doing so is irresponsible.
I don’t think being woken up with a sexual act you couldn’t consent to is a good way to define rape. A good definition is whether the act was wanted or unwanted. There’s a subtle difference here.
If being woken with a BJ was wanted, then it’s not rape. But it could have been rape if it was unwanted. It’s extremely irresponsible to pray and hope that the contact was wanted without establishing anything prior. Basically: it’s possible to consent to something during/after the fact. But it’s dangerous, and why risk being a rapist by doing it that way when you can simply have a conversation about whether it would be okay?
Yes, you should communicate before, etc.
The point is more that if men were viewing themselves as “most likely victims” because they’ve been told repeatedly that men get raped a bunch, and that acts such as wakeup BJs count as rape in the eyes of the narrative, then they’d be mass reporting themselves as being raped for an act that, at present, most guys shrug at. It’s the societal ‘norm’ that says “all men should always want sex” that underpins it in a way, in that men almost never consider themselves victims in this regard – that, paired with the norm that men’s bodies are completely disposable. And it’s partially the societal norm that women’s bodies are inherently desired/wanted/to be protected, that makes them view a lot more scenarios as ‘rape’ – and allows them to decide if its rape years after the event even, if they later realise they felt some sort of pressure to go through with it. Much different measurement methods for the same concept, so it seems really disingenuous to compare them directly.
Similarly, women have been told repeatedly that they’re discriminated against at work. If they see a group of guys going out after work to a pub, and they don’t get invited, they’d likely report that as gender discrimination – it’s networking opportunities that they’re being denied. I’ve even heard COO women on Freakonomics before commenting about how the choice of activities/conversation topics, being not the ones that women typically do/talk about, isolates/discriminates against them. Meanwhile guys, seeing a group of girls going to the girl only gym, are not meant to see that as gender discrimination / not ‘trained’ to view it as gender discrimination. When a group of women is discussing women-centric topics, men aren’t trained to see that as isolating. So when you later ask both groups if they’ve been discriminated against, “Surrpise!” the women will claim it more regularly, while the guys will be oblivious / nonchalant about it.