If you have no wish to summon the cenobites, it might be no more dangerous than a Rubik’s cube, but there’s probably some horrible catch where even if you’re 99.99999% sure you want nothing to do with ‘em they can probably still pull out some hellish unfathomably small print legalese on you.
Nah, in Hellraiser 2 a mental patient at a mental ward who happened to be good at puzzles was forced to open the box and the centobutes recognized that she had no idea what she was doing beyond executing the dry movements of the Lament. She didn’t have any desire to explore the realms beyond earthly pleasure and sensation in dimensions far past human comprehension beyond not wanting to get in trouble with her captors. It’s not raw desire for just any ol’ thing. the cenobites seek out, it’s a particular desire.
In modern times, the kids would probably be having meet ups and tournaments for speed cubing with this puzzle box, and there’d be YouTube channels dedicated to algos and strats and the poor cenbites would be worked to the bone if they didn’t have those mental filters in place.
If Hellraiser wants to go meta in a future instalment, they can steal this idea. Have the cenobites be forced to industrialize their system, with puzzle boxes constantly being opened and the cenobites having to vet the openers at such a rapid pace that they need to work in shifts…
A tired and weary cenobite arrives back to his home after a long day of false positives. His partner asks him, “no hits today honey?”
“Not a one. There was one that I thought had potential but her desire was a new PR and not a consciousness-rending excursion to the outer realms of earthly sensation. Story of my life.”
“You’ll land one soon, dear. There’s someone out there right now, some world weary hedonist who’s exhausted his options for earthly pleasures and just received his own puzzle box and is going to hit up some YouTube tutorials, hon, I just know it. You’ll see.”
“I sure hope so, babe. Leviathan has been dragging us the last few weeks, and usually they’re pretty chill but I think the higher dimensional beings upstairs are looking at the quarterlies….”
“We’ll pull through dear. Remember that last big account? The billionaire?”
“That guy… yeah his suffering was legendary. That was honestly my best work in years. Wrecked Rectum of the Year candidate, remember?”
“I remember.”
“Glorious…. Such agony… anyways, we should get dinner started yes?”
Perhaps it would work better as a series like The Office, although the Australian version was already set in Hell and it didn’t do so great, so maybe it’s best just to leave it on the shelf. The thought of seeing the office dimwit cenobite spilling a vat of chili made from human entrails would be a sight to see though.
The first few were good and I rewatched the first two relatively recently. They dropped off pretty hard starting with 3 though yeah? I haven’t watched the reboot but really should do so, but I don’t know if I can stand to watch one without Doug Bradley.
I remember while watching the reboot thinking, this would have been better as a sequel with new Cenobites, but the same lore. In a franchise that has so many sequels there is no reason to reboot. Changing the lore is not going to endear any old fans to the franchise and it is not going to pull in new fans.
Fun fact about that cube
If you connect the centers of all faces with edges, you get a tetrahedron
And if you solve it you will be shown such sights, and your suffering will be legendary.
I still would not be able to resist the compulsion to solve it.
I bet it’s really satisfying to solve right up until it isn’t.
“It is not hands that summon us, it is desire.”
If you have no wish to summon the cenobites, it might be no more dangerous than a Rubik’s cube, but there’s probably some horrible catch where even if you’re 99.99999% sure you want nothing to do with ‘em they can probably still pull out some hellish unfathomably small print legalese on you.
Isn’t it that desire what drives one to solve it though? I think you can only solve it if you have that desire
Nah, in Hellraiser 2 a mental patient at a mental ward who happened to be good at puzzles was forced to open the box and the centobutes recognized that she had no idea what she was doing beyond executing the dry movements of the Lament. She didn’t have any desire to explore the realms beyond earthly pleasure and sensation in dimensions far past human comprehension beyond not wanting to get in trouble with her captors. It’s not raw desire for just any ol’ thing. the cenobites seek out, it’s a particular desire.
In modern times, the kids would probably be having meet ups and tournaments for speed cubing with this puzzle box, and there’d be YouTube channels dedicated to algos and strats and the poor cenbites would be worked to the bone if they didn’t have those mental filters in place.
If Hellraiser wants to go meta in a future instalment, they can steal this idea. Have the cenobites be forced to industrialize their system, with puzzle boxes constantly being opened and the cenobites having to vet the openers at such a rapid pace that they need to work in shifts…
A tired and weary cenobite arrives back to his home after a long day of false positives. His partner asks him, “no hits today honey?”
“Not a one. There was one that I thought had potential but her desire was a new PR and not a consciousness-rending excursion to the outer realms of earthly sensation. Story of my life.”
“You’ll land one soon, dear. There’s someone out there right now, some world weary hedonist who’s exhausted his options for earthly pleasures and just received his own puzzle box and is going to hit up some YouTube tutorials, hon, I just know it. You’ll see.”
“I sure hope so, babe. Leviathan has been dragging us the last few weeks, and usually they’re pretty chill but I think the higher dimensional beings upstairs are looking at the quarterlies….”
“We’ll pull through dear. Remember that last big account? The billionaire?”
“That guy… yeah his suffering was legendary. That was honestly my best work in years. Wrecked Rectum of the Year candidate, remember?”
“I remember.”
“Glorious…. Such agony… anyways, we should get dinner started yes?”
Great comment, thanks for the delightful absurdism!
Your idea for a new movie is both terrible and yet probably still better than the worst films in the series.
Perhaps it would work better as a series like The Office, although the Australian version was already set in Hell and it didn’t do so great, so maybe it’s best just to leave it on the shelf. The thought of seeing the office dimwit cenobite spilling a vat of chili made from human entrails would be a sight to see though.
I’ve not seen the second one so that’ll explain why i didn’t know about that
You’re reminding me I need to rewatch Hellraiser. Such a great movie.
The first few were good and I rewatched the first two relatively recently. They dropped off pretty hard starting with 3 though yeah? I haven’t watched the reboot but really should do so, but I don’t know if I can stand to watch one without Doug Bradley.
the reboot really is that. the rules are totally different, so you have to come at it as a completely different experience.
it’s neat if i’m being generous, but really can’t compete with the original.
I remember while watching the reboot thinking, this would have been better as a sequel with new Cenobites, but the same lore. In a franchise that has so many sequels there is no reason to reboot. Changing the lore is not going to endear any old fans to the franchise and it is not going to pull in new fans.
Yep. They were pretty great until someone decided to dig deep into “lore”.
An octagon?