It happens, called a “failed adoption”. The thing about being a foster parent, we’ve done it for years, is having boundaries and understanding what youre comfortable with. My wife and I are great at handling trauma and providing a stable environment but there are times we’ve taken on kids with disabilities and its too exhausting for us but there are foster parents that specialize in that and make a better home for those kiddos.
Consistency and structure seems to be the key. People that grew up in trauma, me included, were under constant chaos and struggle to survive. Things like dinner at 5pm, play until 6:30 then bath time, then reading a story, the bedtime at 7:30. No mater how tired I am if I committed to doing something on the weekend or take them to practice I do it. Break the rules theres a logical consequence every single time, no negotiating or “if you do that one more time you only get one piece of candy instead of three”. These children grew up with abuse, broken promises, and lack of resources. Also, getting them into trauma based therapy. Constancy and structure seems to work best which is funny coming from someone with ADHD.
Thank you for what you do, we need more people in the world like you.
My wife and I have pretty much decided on no kids. She works at a daycare so she gets plenty of time with kiddos, and doesn’t know if she wants one at home, all the time. Me, I have such a huge slew of my own problems that I really don’t think I would be capable of being a good parent. I was raised with the whole world on my plate, middle class, vacations, presents, not spoiled rotten but certainly privileged. If I can’t provide at least the kind of childhood that I had, the opportunities, the travel, I would feel guilty. And I know that I don’t have the resources for that.
So we have always left adoption or fostering on the table. Maybe as the years pass I will heal and grow and be capable of providing the steady stable environment that a child in need requires. Until then I get to be the irresponsible uncle to all my friends kids. Gonna take a 7 year old skiing later this winter lol.
It happens, called a “failed adoption”. The thing about being a foster parent, we’ve done it for years, is having boundaries and understanding what youre comfortable with. My wife and I are great at handling trauma and providing a stable environment but there are times we’ve taken on kids with disabilities and its too exhausting for us but there are foster parents that specialize in that and make a better home for those kiddos.
How do you handle trauma? Any specific recommendations?
I wanted to joke about adopting me, but decided there’s a better question to ask instead :)
Consistency and structure seems to be the key. People that grew up in trauma, me included, were under constant chaos and struggle to survive. Things like dinner at 5pm, play until 6:30 then bath time, then reading a story, the bedtime at 7:30. No mater how tired I am if I committed to doing something on the weekend or take them to practice I do it. Break the rules theres a logical consequence every single time, no negotiating or “if you do that one more time you only get one piece of candy instead of three”. These children grew up with abuse, broken promises, and lack of resources. Also, getting them into trauma based therapy. Constancy and structure seems to work best which is funny coming from someone with ADHD.
Thank you for what you do, we need more people in the world like you.
My wife and I have pretty much decided on no kids. She works at a daycare so she gets plenty of time with kiddos, and doesn’t know if she wants one at home, all the time. Me, I have such a huge slew of my own problems that I really don’t think I would be capable of being a good parent. I was raised with the whole world on my plate, middle class, vacations, presents, not spoiled rotten but certainly privileged. If I can’t provide at least the kind of childhood that I had, the opportunities, the travel, I would feel guilty. And I know that I don’t have the resources for that.
So we have always left adoption or fostering on the table. Maybe as the years pass I will heal and grow and be capable of providing the steady stable environment that a child in need requires. Until then I get to be the irresponsible uncle to all my friends kids. Gonna take a 7 year old skiing later this winter lol.