probably a lifetime of trouble shooting and asking the internet if there’s a linux equivalent of insert name software available.

Jesus fucking Christ. You are either up to no good or have no business in role you currently occupy.

Logitech makes a nice tv keyboard with integrated trackpad (logi k600), I have one for use with my iPad. There are cheaper options though. Just search for tv keyboard. (I for one love having an integrated trackpad but you could just as easily get a cheap wireless mouse and keyboard.