i thought it would be nice if we shared some general expiriences. i list some of my learnings below. feel free to add! :))
note that i was a part of my local queer spaces for longer already, so my thoutghts on networks might seem obvious to you. but since i gad my inner coming out my love for my communities has only intensified.
local networks are key
there are a lot of good reasons to seek out for other queer people in your area (be it a queer party or a self help group). the obvious downside is that you need to trust those people. especially in harsher political/societal environments it might be a hard decision, who to trust. my pros:
- you will find people who live in the same city/region and who can give you important advice.
- you can exchange contacts of doctors/practioners and learn who to avoid.
- you will find yourself in a (more) accepting space, where people will sit next to you while you vent your frustration and share your joy.
- you will find radical friends. solidarity is strong. queer groups tend to make happen a lot of crazy stuff for their members. you will be adopted by them.
being out might not just help you
this is anecdotal but i have helped some people navigating early transition, which i could not have done in the same way, if i hadn’t been out to my friends and haven’t had the confidence to (quasi) publicly share my expiriences. similarly i know a person who is very stealth (transitioned as teen, moved …), and is only out to a few close friends. she is scared of the political climate and with this very alone. when i came out to her, we talked a while and i promised to be a proxy for her to our local groups, if she doesn’t want to out herself but needs help.
don’t get too excited – but celebrate steps!
i’d advice general scepticism. your hormones might get lost in the mail, your surgery postponed. or some other shit doesn’t go as planned. there is a lot of potential to get your hopes crushed. believe it when you have it.
frustration will build up. so celebrate any little step you achieved.
being yourself is so much easier than pretending
first i was afraid, (i was petrified), it would be hard to play a new role, that i needed to put in hard work to convince people i was a woman. in the end i am still myself but i don’t police myself as much anymore. sure i have done a lot more shopping lately, but that was fun, not a chore. i wear what i deem fitting. in short, i stopped worrying, if i was presenting too fem and just started to go for it. and that’s so much easier.
That no matter how much of an ally you try to be to women, you can never really understand the shit they’re going through unless you’re one yourself. Misogyny is EVERYWHERE. It’s fucking crazy. It radiates from interactions with people, it’s dripping from the ceiling, it’s crawling at you from the roots at your feet. It is incomprehensibly everywhere.
yes, this was my experience too - I was a very passionate feminist before I transitioned and I thought I understood how women experienced the world, but until I was a woman and felt the extreme vulnerability myself, I really didn’t understand how the threat of violence (and sexual violence particularly) ends up influencing your experience of everything.
I also really didn’t understand that women really are still second-class citizens, people really won’t take you seriously about anything if you’re a woman. Doctors won’t listen to you, people don’t expect you to be anything serious or of note. It’s like being a child again, where all the men get to be adults with the rights enjoyed by citizens, etc. - but you’ll always be something less than a citizen, something less than an adult.
It’s really frustrating, tbh. I knew I was passing when people started treating me like I was much younger than I am, that’s what it was like to be seen as a woman.
So, it makes a lot of sense to me now why women so often try to project themselves as men to be taken seriously - adopting their clothes, their aggression, their deeper voices, etc. - masculinity becomes a model by which women can work towards autonomy and respect. Wearing a skirt becomes a choice to debase yourself in a patriarchal society that sees women who wear skirts as less serious.