Ope that’s rough. My wife and I are like you and yours, though we both grew up upper middle class and experienced rapid and aggressive downward mobility despite similar careers to our parents.

And yeah financial compatibility is so important, including in secondary relationships. I’m romantic, but I’m “reasonable bottle of wine, and a home-cooked meal” romantic, not a “let’s go on an extravagant trip for an anniversary” romantic. Anyone who can’t be cool with that about me is going to have a hard time, and I’ve found some people through polyamory who don’t really get living like this.