There’s a big distinction between people’s self-image and their behavior. One’s confidence in telling a story doesn’t come from its adherence to reality, but from its internal coherence. It’s why, in user interviews, you stay away from questions like “how do you generally use feature xyz?” but rather ask things like “tell me about the last time that you did xyz”. If you ask the former, they’ll essentially tell you about their self-image, and how they think of themselves, and with the latter they’ll tell you something that actually happened, and they’re much more likely to tell you something real about their behavior. It’s an unavoidable aspect of talking about yourself, and I’m not calling anyone a liar, but it’s something to keep in mind when talking abt stuff like this.
The issue is that most folks internally can’t see the hypocrisy in their behaviors vs their self-reports, especially in dating.
Hence the prototypical problem of ‘why can’t i find a nice person to date’… and yet when you see them chase/get excited it’s only for folks that treat them like crap. Men and women both. I’ve also had plenty of friends over the years get utterly disgusted by someone treating them well, and had that same reaction in dating experience. I’ve also deliberately treated people like crap, and was shocked and horrific how positively they responded to that treatment.
People largely behave emotionally and irrationally. Though in their heads, it’s all very rational and logical and makes total sense.
And in the moment it’s hard to think about things. I had once date where a woman slapped me in the face for being 5 minutes late. I was so shocked it like just didn’t register, and I went on the date anyway. Took her slugging me in the face with a closed fist, on the next date, for me to register that this person was physically abusive. And of course when I walked away and broke up with them… well came to my home and pounded on my door and tried to threaten me into staying with them. And at that point I realized they were not just abusive or angry but just a total psycho.
Yeah in retrospect it easy to see that I should have never gone on that date after the face slap, but in the moment I simply dismissed it. And she passed it off as ‘playful’ too. etc. etc. Our first two dates prior to all that had been more or less boring and normal and they had been very sweet and fun. But in their mind, I hadn’t upset them and until I did there was no reason to hit me. If only had I had not upset them, they would have no hit me! So simple, all I had to do was not upset them!
The fact your date went straight to violence tells a lot about them. It sounds like they were testing your boundaries. Glad you got away early, I can only imagine what would’ve happened if you’d gotten into a steady relationship then tried to break up. You didn’t just dodge a bullet, it sounds like you dodged a nuclear warhead.
What’s more terrifying to me is how many people think she is justified in that violence, due to their rampant sexism. I’ve told that story and had women and men take her side immediately. That any violence against a man means he must deserve it. But of course, it is never appropriate for a man to hit a woman, no matter the circumstance…
There’s a big distinction between people’s self-image and their behavior. One’s confidence in telling a story doesn’t come from its adherence to reality, but from its internal coherence. It’s why, in user interviews, you stay away from questions like “how do you generally use feature xyz?” but rather ask things like “tell me about the last time that you did xyz”. If you ask the former, they’ll essentially tell you about their self-image, and how they think of themselves, and with the latter they’ll tell you something that actually happened, and they’re much more likely to tell you something real about their behavior. It’s an unavoidable aspect of talking about yourself, and I’m not calling anyone a liar, but it’s something to keep in mind when talking abt stuff like this.
Yeah I know.
The issue is that most folks internally can’t see the hypocrisy in their behaviors vs their self-reports, especially in dating.
Hence the prototypical problem of ‘why can’t i find a nice person to date’… and yet when you see them chase/get excited it’s only for folks that treat them like crap. Men and women both. I’ve also had plenty of friends over the years get utterly disgusted by someone treating them well, and had that same reaction in dating experience. I’ve also deliberately treated people like crap, and was shocked and horrific how positively they responded to that treatment.
People largely behave emotionally and irrationally. Though in their heads, it’s all very rational and logical and makes total sense.
And in the moment it’s hard to think about things. I had once date where a woman slapped me in the face for being 5 minutes late. I was so shocked it like just didn’t register, and I went on the date anyway. Took her slugging me in the face with a closed fist, on the next date, for me to register that this person was physically abusive. And of course when I walked away and broke up with them… well came to my home and pounded on my door and tried to threaten me into staying with them. And at that point I realized they were not just abusive or angry but just a total psycho.
Yeah in retrospect it easy to see that I should have never gone on that date after the face slap, but in the moment I simply dismissed it. And she passed it off as ‘playful’ too. etc. etc. Our first two dates prior to all that had been more or less boring and normal and they had been very sweet and fun. But in their mind, I hadn’t upset them and until I did there was no reason to hit me. If only had I had not upset them, they would have no hit me! So simple, all I had to do was not upset them!
The fact your date went straight to violence tells a lot about them. It sounds like they were testing your boundaries. Glad you got away early, I can only imagine what would’ve happened if you’d gotten into a steady relationship then tried to break up. You didn’t just dodge a bullet, it sounds like you dodged a nuclear warhead.
What’s more terrifying to me is how many people think she is justified in that violence, due to their rampant sexism. I’ve told that story and had women and men take her side immediately. That any violence against a man means he must deserve it. But of course, it is never appropriate for a man to hit a woman, no matter the circumstance…