It’s not difficult to recognize you’re queer. Very few people are 0 on the Kinsey scale. Almost everyone would count as bisexual, if they chose to recognize it and own it.

But LGBT+ is about identity. It’s about having enough introspection regarding your own sexuality or your own gender disposition to recognize that this is an aspect of who you are. And because there are social forces that want to push us out of the community, that identity is also political.¹

But straight is also an identity. Not all mlw folk are straight. Straight means identifying as someone who is strictly heterosexual, often to fit into a society that is uncomfortable with LGBT+ folk. It’s a specific assertion that you are not queer. It’s capitulation to pressure to conform.

For much of my life, I identified as a man who is sexually attracted to women, but I also left room for the possibility that maybe I just haven’t found the right dude.² Not because I felt particularly bi-curious, but having been in a sex positive community, it just felt appropriate to leave that door open. Also having bi- friends and partners, there’s a common experience that people slide around on the Kinsey scale with age.

For straights – people who actively identify as straight – that door is closed.

And in this political clime, closing that door might be necessary; it might be unsafe for you to be anything but straight in your neighborhood without risking exposure to harassment and hate crime.

It’s a liability to present as queer. We do so anyway (when we can, when there isn’t too much risk) as part of a movement to normalize sexual and gender diversity, and promote tolerance in our society. But straights are not taking that same risk.

That all said, the LGBT+ community absolutely invites you to consider with honesty and sobriety what you are sexually attracted to, and how you like to express your gender. And if you find there’s something else there than church-approved cis-gender heterosexuality, explore that and adjust your identity accordingly. Our doors are always open.

¹ Note that LGBT+ isn’t always about behavior, and this can upset some people. For example, there is a subset of the wlw community who only wants gold star lesbians (women who’ve never been with men, ever) in their spaces. They’re a pretty isolated group. The British television series Bob & Rose by Russell T. Davies explores what happens when a gay man falls in love with a woman, and the upset (and antics) that can cause.

² I’d also eventually realize that I’m bi-romantic, which might (also) count as queer nowadays. When it comes to non-sexual love language, I tend to express it with people I’m close to regardless of their gender.