you manipulated a trans woman into giving you her address so you could call the fucking cops on her? what the fuck?

being an ally means using the privilege you are afforded by your gender to fight for women and magnify their voices. men are part of an oppressor group, which means that they are rewarded for wielding misogyny against women. it is /unusual/ for individual men to reject this. it does not matter whether women “accept you” as an ally, it does not matter whether you think of yourself as an ally. what matters are your actions.

one of the most basic requirements of allyship is understanding that the people your group oppresses will likely be wary of or outright hostile to members of your group and accepting that this is a reasonable and expected reaction to their subjugation.

if your allyship (your amplification of women’s voices, your fight for them and their rights) is determined by how they feel about you (if someone not liking you is enough for you abandon them) then you are not an ally.

women do not have the power to make you an ally or not, but we /can/ identify it: you are not being an ally right now.

yeah, that’s how /systemic racism/ works. systemic does mean only the bureaucracy, it means /everything/. racism is baked into our values, behavior, and perspective from birth. we are not taught racism as some separate thing, everything we are taught is steeped in it. you can’t be non-racist, you either do the work to root out the bigotry you were built with every day to be anti-racist or you remain racist as you were raised. when you do something that /could/ be racist, it will be unless you are vigilant and stop it. all white people are racist by default and all men are misogynist by default. it takes active work to be anti-racist and anti-misogynist, and most people in oppressors groups don’t do that work.

if you think that an oppressed group hating their oppressors is a bridge too far then you are not an ally.