I think my DM to her may have caused this, actually…
CW: self-harm
it’s not bad itself (not gonna tell what’s up, it’s up to her to share why her situation* has me worried to the point of reaching out to Lemmy, which she’s just been actively using but hasn’t opened Matrix in a while; to be clear it’s not grave danger) but it made her open the chat last used when she expressed suicidal ideation and I pretended to want to visit her, as police wanted me to find out where she is so they could do a wellness check. She didn’t want to ever see it again and went with the nuclear option…
Edit: Miisha insists this was not why she deleted her account. It’s clear she was already in distress so I’d say I wasn’t the only factor bit given the timing, it was probably the last straw
No, I don’t have her address or means to find it. (Even if I go to her neighborhood, I have no idea what name to look for on doorbells: likely her BF’s, which I don’t know.) She once slipped up and revealed her name (I then gave her mine to make her feel less insecure, even though unlike hers, it’s basically linked to my address, which she can find with not too much effort). By learning she was at home, I could tell the police her name and neighborhood (which she voluntarily shared, much like I had told her which little village I live in), and they used their database to find her, knock on the door and ask if she was fine. I did not present any evidence so they had no reason to do anything more than a wellness check. It may feel weird but our police is very much unlike US cops. Look at other comments, I think it did make her uncomfortable (mainly the disappointment that I’m not actually coming, revealing the trick the police told me to use) but it was justified what I did, given that − as many now agree − the alternative was genuine, high suicide risk. (See the post she made that day: she was even more desperate in DMs to me.) This was a real emergency, and I did the bare minimum…
Don’t forget that Miisha didn’t find me creepy at all when we met, which is not foolproof but still a kind of validation that I’m not a lunatic who would harm her…
Look at the post she made that day, and she was even more desperate in DMs to me. This was clearly not a joke. Not with her history of depressive lows…
I never showed the police her account. (They didn’t want proof.) Or shared her real name with anyone but the police. Her real identity is still separate from the account. She seemed really serious with the plans, and given her mental health history, it seemed appropriate since I couldn’t come myself… and it seemed to work, she gave up for the day, and the BF came and then they were fine together
So I didn’t doxx her… I did only have her real name due to a slip-up on her part though
So I didn’t doxx her… I did only have her real name due to a slip-up on her part though
You doxxed her to the police though.
I understand your concerns. Some of her posts were concerning. I’m not even totally opposed to you trying to get a wellness check done. Telling her about it was probably scary for her though.
Well, I didn’t give them any way to find her online accounts. Her digital identity is safe, I needed to do this to protect the person behind. And they need to know the name and whether she’s at home to do their job…
That’s true but police being mean is rather rare here, plus they’d use her legal, female name. It was a reality check that her thoughts may have IRL consequences but I feel she needed it then… I think it’s appropriate if the alternative is a high suicide risk.
She does know my real full name since we met and I told her the village even earlier. (In fact, unlike her, who lives in a generic block of flats, the peculiarities of my family’s house from pictures I sent her, and other public info can help her find my exact address while I can’t find hers.) I did it to make her feel like she can trust me, and level the information playing field. I’m sorry to have breached the trust but it felt like the right thing to do.
I wish I could be a better friend but we’ve both socialized so little in our formative years (plus I’m neurodivergent and she’s socially anxious) that we’re fumbling through basics of what a relationship means… I’ve been putting women on a pedestal, for example. Is the “magical girl” analogy I use for trans women part of this? Maybe…
I think my DM to her may have caused this, actually…
CW: self-harm
it’s not bad itself (not gonna tell what’s up, it’s up to her to share why her situation* has me worried to the point of reaching out to Lemmy, which she’s just been actively using but hasn’t opened Matrix in a while; to be clear it’s not grave danger) but it made her open the chat last used when she expressed suicidal ideation and I pretended to want to visit her, as police wanted me to find out where she is so they could do a wellness check. She didn’t want to ever see it again and went with the nuclear option…
* Edit: this is the situation in question
Edit: Miisha insists this was not why she deleted her account. It’s clear she was already in distress so I’d say I wasn’t the only factor bit given the timing, it was probably the last straw
you manipulated a trans woman into giving you her address so you could call the fucking cops on her? what the fuck?
No, I don’t have her address or means to find it. (Even if I go to her neighborhood, I have no idea what name to look for on doorbells: likely her BF’s, which I don’t know.) She once slipped up and revealed her name (I then gave her mine to make her feel less insecure, even though unlike hers, it’s basically linked to my address, which she can find with not too much effort). By learning she was at home, I could tell the police her name and neighborhood (which she voluntarily shared, much like I had told her which little village I live in), and they used their database to find her, knock on the door and ask if she was fine. I did not present any evidence so they had no reason to do anything more than a wellness check. It may feel weird but our police is very much unlike US cops. Look at other comments, I think it did make her uncomfortable (mainly the disappointment that I’m not actually coming, revealing the trick the police told me to use) but it was justified what I did, given that − as many now agree − the alternative was genuine, high suicide risk. (See the post she made that day: she was even more desperate in DMs to me.) This was a real emergency, and I did the bare minimum…
Don’t forget that Miisha didn’t find me creepy at all when we met, which is not foolproof but still a kind of validation that I’m not a lunatic who would harm her…
Damn I joke about killing myself all the time and none of y’all have ever tried to dox me for my own health.
Guess I’ll just die then. I’ll leave my account up tho, I’m not a monster.
Look at the post she made that day, and she was even more desperate in DMs to me. This was clearly not a joke. Not with her history of depressive lows…
I never showed the police her account. (They didn’t want proof.) Or shared her real name with anyone but the police. Her real identity is still separate from the account. She seemed really serious with the plans, and given her mental health history, it seemed appropriate since I couldn’t come myself… and it seemed to work, she gave up for the day, and the BF came and then they were fine together
So I didn’t doxx her… I did only have her real name due to a slip-up on her part though
You doxxed her to the police though.
I understand your concerns. Some of her posts were concerning. I’m not even totally opposed to you trying to get a wellness check done. Telling her about it was probably scary for her though.
Well, I didn’t give them any way to find her online accounts. Her digital identity is safe, I needed to do this to protect the person behind. And they need to know the name and whether she’s at home to do their job…
It was probably scary for her to know that you gave the police that information.
That’s true but police being mean is rather rare here, plus they’d use her legal, female name. It was a reality check that her thoughts may have IRL consequences but I feel she needed it then… I think it’s appropriate if the alternative is a high suicide risk.
She does know my real full name since we met and I told her the village even earlier. (In fact, unlike her, who lives in a generic block of flats, the peculiarities of my family’s house from pictures I sent her, and other public info can help her find my exact address while I can’t find hers.) I did it to make her feel like she can trust me, and level the information playing field. I’m sorry to have breached the trust but it felt like the right thing to do.
I can’t fault you for trying to do the right thing. Truly. Thanks for being her friend.
I wish I could be a better friend but we’ve both socialized so little in our formative years (plus I’m neurodivergent and she’s socially anxious) that we’re fumbling through basics of what a relationship means… I’ve been putting women on a pedestal, for example. Is the “magical girl” analogy I use for trans women part of this? Maybe…
She’s done much more than just joke with enough frequency that we are genuinely, and quite reasonably concerned.