Ask “Why do you feel that’s what I’m doing?” then reflect on the answer and how your behaviour was perceived this way. Finally, if after reflection you come to the conclusion that indeed you acted poorly, apologise and try to behave differently in the future.
Now you’ve determined that your partner is a poor communicator, because “because” is never a useful answer. Now your question is whether to try to work with your partner to improve communication, or give up on an adult whose communication skills haven’t advanced beyond those of a child in first grade.
Because is not an answer. Because can be the first word in an answer, but if nothing is provided afterwards than the answer is essentially, “I believe it to be so, and I choose to provide no evidence whatsoever to support that belief.” And how do you move forward from that? In fact, your specific statement I responded to was
“Because youre doing it”
What kind of response can be made to that? There is no example, merely an assertion. There is nothing specific, merely a general response. What kind of resolution besides complete capitulation or parting ways can be made based on this statement? In fact, if I was given that response in a conversation and was feeling combative, I would be inclined to respond with, “Who’s stonewalling now?” And, given how I put because in quotes, implying a complete statement, I could argue your response to my previous comment was gaslighting.
Well ask a dumb question you get a dumb answer. If someone’s being a dick I’m gonna feel like they’re being a dick because they’re being a dick. What other answer you expect? “Because im on my period and being irrational?”
If someone is behaving poorly, there are two broad reasons. They know and are choosing to (for some value of choosing) and they don’t know and are doing it anyway. If someone is being a dick and doesn’t realize why they’re being a dick, pointing it out can cause them to realize they’re being a dick, at which point they can choose to stop (again, for some value of choosing) or they can not, which puts them in category of knowing and choosing to. All that assumes that they accept your assessment of the situation is correct.
Now, as for your specific alternative? Having been in this type of situation, I would go with something along the lines of, “Aww, honey that sucks. Let’s stop arguing about how your feelings about the state of the kitchen aren’t my problem. Now, do you want cuddles before or after I tidy the kitchen, and where does chocolate and/or ice cream fit into this process?” Now, granted, my wife has learned to accept that my stupid, overly-specific ass is just that and is willing to say things like that on occasion since subtle is only a theoretical concept around here.
If someone is being a dick and doesn’t realize why they’re being a dick
I think you’re confusing the words “how” and “why”. Why they’re being a dick is a question for a therapist, unresolved childhood trauma, insecurities etc.
How they’re being a dick is the question you seem to be referring to. They don’t realize that what they’re doing is wrong or hurtful, because they don’t see how their actions are affecting their partner.
“How does that make you feel” is another good question. I might be unaware that my actions are upsetting in the first place.
But saying “why do you feel that way” creates separation between yourself and your actions and places the burden of introspection on the partner, not yourself. My partner gets upset when i make a mess, because I made a mess. Their feelings do not require introspection. My actions are the issue in that case. If im confused i would ask “How do my actions affect you?”. I might not realize how big a problem the mess is for them, that’s where the education is needed, not on why they have feelings about my mess.
Trying to start a terapy randomly feeling like the one of the wort advice personally. In theory it is best thing to argue about something but in practice probably it will devolve to something else.
If you are not know what are you doing probably wont accomplish anything.
For this to work both side need to be adult in their emotion and thinking but this is a very rare situation.
There is a chance if other side thinking you are being arrogant, manipulative or blaming other side.
In theory it is a basic and clever method but if you are dont know what are you doing it will be like landing a plane with written insturactions.
Ask “Why do you feel that’s what I’m doing?” then reflect on the answer and how your behaviour was perceived this way. Finally, if after reflection you come to the conclusion that indeed you acted poorly, apologise and try to behave differently in the future.
And if it doesn’t?
Then they are acting unreasonably. It’s not so hard.
“Because youre doing it”
Now you’ve determined that your partner is a poor communicator, because “because” is never a useful answer. Now your question is whether to try to work with your partner to improve communication, or give up on an adult whose communication skills haven’t advanced beyond those of a child in first grade.
Because is literally the answer to any question starting with “why”. Even if you leave “because” unsaid it’s implied in any response to “why?”
Because is not an answer. Because can be the first word in an answer, but if nothing is provided afterwards than the answer is essentially, “I believe it to be so, and I choose to provide no evidence whatsoever to support that belief.” And how do you move forward from that? In fact, your specific statement I responded to was
What kind of response can be made to that? There is no example, merely an assertion. There is nothing specific, merely a general response. What kind of resolution besides complete capitulation or parting ways can be made based on this statement? In fact, if I was given that response in a conversation and was feeling combative, I would be inclined to respond with, “Who’s stonewalling now?” And, given how I put because in quotes, implying a complete statement, I could argue your response to my previous comment was gaslighting.
Well ask a dumb question you get a dumb answer. If someone’s being a dick I’m gonna feel like they’re being a dick because they’re being a dick. What other answer you expect? “Because im on my period and being irrational?”
If someone is behaving poorly, there are two broad reasons. They know and are choosing to (for some value of choosing) and they don’t know and are doing it anyway. If someone is being a dick and doesn’t realize why they’re being a dick, pointing it out can cause them to realize they’re being a dick, at which point they can choose to stop (again, for some value of choosing) or they can not, which puts them in category of knowing and choosing to. All that assumes that they accept your assessment of the situation is correct.
Now, as for your specific alternative? Having been in this type of situation, I would go with something along the lines of, “Aww, honey that sucks. Let’s stop arguing about how your feelings about the state of the kitchen aren’t my problem. Now, do you want cuddles before or after I tidy the kitchen, and where does chocolate and/or ice cream fit into this process?” Now, granted, my wife has learned to accept that my stupid, overly-specific ass is just that and is willing to say things like that on occasion since subtle is only a theoretical concept around here.
I think you’re confusing the words “how” and “why”. Why they’re being a dick is a question for a therapist, unresolved childhood trauma, insecurities etc.
How they’re being a dick is the question you seem to be referring to. They don’t realize that what they’re doing is wrong or hurtful, because they don’t see how their actions are affecting their partner.
“How does that make you feel” is another good question. I might be unaware that my actions are upsetting in the first place.
But saying “why do you feel that way” creates separation between yourself and your actions and places the burden of introspection on the partner, not yourself. My partner gets upset when i make a mess, because I made a mess. Their feelings do not require introspection. My actions are the issue in that case. If im confused i would ask “How do my actions affect you?”. I might not realize how big a problem the mess is for them, that’s where the education is needed, not on why they have feelings about my mess.
You clearly need to improve your communication skills
/s
Trying to start a terapy randomly feeling like the one of the wort advice personally. In theory it is best thing to argue about something but in practice probably it will devolve to something else.
In theory it is a basic and clever method but if you are dont know what are you doing it will be like landing a plane with written insturactions.