I feel like everyone here needs a reminder that love bombing is something that happens AFTER mistreatment to make the victim calm down and become compliant.
This isn’t just being overly affectionate, it’s a technique used to manipulate behavior and keep a victim loyal.
Though it can be used during the initial parts of a relationship to make it progress at a very fast rate. Imo it’s best to hit the brakes even if the other person isn’t abusive. And hit the brakes as in don’t rush to move in with them, get married, or have a kid, as I think ending a relationship because it’s moving too fast is just as likely to end a good thing as avoid abuse.
IMO detecting abusive people is best done by seeing how they react when challenged, especially by someone they might consider a lesser.
With someone coming on too strong too fast you need to keep your eyes open and be aware of your boundaries. It may be someone who’s awesome and sincere who’s just on a different pace than you, it may be an intentional abuser being machiavellian, but it’s also got a pretty good chance of being someone unstable and sincere and oh fucking boy will that cause problems if you don’t have and maintain boundaries.
Also, despite the name, the relationship does NOT need to be romantic for this to apply. Literally anyone in your life can be a abuser with tactics like this. Usually, sadly, it’s someone with some authority or ability to screw up your life. For example, like a workplace manager or a family member.
I never got to this point in the first place. But generally, I don’t respond.
“Ok, I’m evil, I admit it, goodbye”.
Everyone is happy, the end.
You can walk away and be criticized for going your own way instead.
“…this is a Wendy’s.”
Anon you’re an asshole and you know this since kindergarten. Stop gaslighting
360 you stay exactly where you were
“I do tend to overexplain and I’m sorry, please shut me down if I do, but please believe me when I tell you that I overexplain everyone and it has nothing to do with your perceived gender, I just have the *tism.” - this is my usually response because it’s true.
I got accused of mansplaining because I was helping someone on a tech support call (they were taking the call to support a user, and I was assisting them) and I started with the basic information they’d need to understand the problem and how to fix it. After the call she turned around to the guy next to her and complained about it and he was just like, “oh, no, he’s like that with everyone”.
My philosophy was based on the fact that our managers hired people for people skills over technical background because they assumed the tech stuff could be trained and that if someone was asking me for help there was a gap in their knowledge somewhere and I had no way to know where it was other than to begin at the beginning and work through it. Most people appreciated it. But some were full of themselves and got pissed about it, those types typically didn’t last very long on that job.
banger
You are a big girl, use proper words.
Reflect upon how you are acting. Empathize with the other person’s POV. Then discuss rationally from a point of mutual benefit.
Lol, no.
Name checks out
Hey, they don’t have any for me either.
The lovebombing accusation is what gets me. Sorry for being lonely and easily getting infatuated on the rare occasion I get to date someone 😭
Edit: For clarification, I am just saying that “lovebombing” doesn’t necessarily have to be an intentional manipulation tactic. I am not saying it’s not a reason for concern
I man no disrespect but you gotta reign it in. I totally get where you’re coming from but getting lovebombed is a red flag for good reason.
You alluded to one reason why in your comment…if the infatuation isn’t mutual, it feels like the person is just excited to be in a relationship. They’re in love with being in love, not with me.
And unless you’re a narcissist, it just feels weird to put on a pedestal. Getting fawned over 24/7 is too much. People just want a partner that is a normal person most of the time.
It also has the connotation of codependence. And with that, it’s likely this person is going to have a mental breakdown if we break up in a year.
Lovebombing usually means baggage. It’s understandable that people don’t want to start a relationship with someone carrying a ton of baggage.
I mean, thank you for your advice, but I’ve been dating for quite a while now so I already learned I have to tone it down. It just feels frustrating having to pretend I’m less interested than I actually am, when I’m usually a person that hates being dishonest
But the reasons to be put off by lovebombing are justified. You’re a stranger juggling knives and frustrated that they’re backing away lol
Yes, I am well aware. I just know that lovebombing can also be seen, like in this greentext, as a deliberate manipulation tactic (and often probably is). My original comment was just meant to show the other side, that it isn’t always a manipulation attempt. And I’m absolutely not saying they are in the wrong for being weary of it.
I am childfree, and it’s very hard in my country to find women that also never want children, so I get overly excited when I find one that is willing to go on a date with me. I have learned to tone it down
Stop getting relationship advice/expectations from 4chan, for starters.
But my relationship is going a little too well
Ask “Why do you feel that’s what I’m doing?” then reflect on the answer and how your behaviour was perceived this way. Finally, if after reflection you come to the conclusion that indeed you acted poorly, apologise and try to behave differently in the future.
“Because youre doing it”
Now you’ve determined that your partner is a poor communicator, because “because” is never a useful answer. Now your question is whether to try to work with your partner to improve communication, or give up on an adult whose communication skills haven’t advanced beyond those of a child in first grade.
Because is literally the answer to any question starting with “why”. Even if you leave “because” unsaid it’s implied in any response to “why?”
Because is not an answer. Because can be the first word in an answer, but if nothing is provided afterwards than the answer is essentially, “I believe it to be so, and I choose to provide no evidence whatsoever to support that belief.” And how do you move forward from that? In fact, your specific statement I responded to was
“Because youre doing it”
What kind of response can be made to that? There is no example, merely an assertion. There is nothing specific, merely a general response. What kind of resolution besides complete capitulation or parting ways can be made based on this statement? In fact, if I was given that response in a conversation and was feeling combative, I would be inclined to respond with, “Who’s stonewalling now?” And, given how I put because in quotes, implying a complete statement, I could argue your response to my previous comment was gaslighting.
Well ask a dumb question you get a dumb answer. If someone’s being a dick I’m gonna feel like they’re being a dick because they’re being a dick. What other answer you expect? “Because im on my period and being irrational?”
If someone is behaving poorly, there are two broad reasons. They know and are choosing to (for some value of choosing) and they don’t know and are doing it anyway. If someone is being a dick and doesn’t realize why they’re being a dick, pointing it out can cause them to realize they’re being a dick, at which point they can choose to stop (again, for some value of choosing) or they can not, which puts them in category of knowing and choosing to. All that assumes that they accept your assessment of the situation is correct.
Now, as for your specific alternative? Having been in this type of situation, I would go with something along the lines of, “Aww, honey that sucks. Let’s stop arguing about how your feelings about the state of the kitchen aren’t my problem. Now, do you want cuddles before or after I tidy the kitchen, and where does chocolate and/or ice cream fit into this process?” Now, granted, my wife has learned to accept that my stupid, overly-specific ass is just that and is willing to say things like that on occasion since subtle is only a theoretical concept around here.
If someone is being a dick and doesn’t realize why they’re being a dick
I think you’re confusing the words “how” and “why”. Why they’re being a dick is a question for a therapist, unresolved childhood trauma, insecurities etc.
How they’re being a dick is the question you seem to be referring to. They don’t realize that what they’re doing is wrong or hurtful, because they don’t see how their actions are affecting their partner.
“How does that make you feel” is another good question. I might be unaware that my actions are upsetting in the first place.
But saying “why do you feel that way” creates separation between yourself and your actions and places the burden of introspection on the partner, not yourself. My partner gets upset when i make a mess, because I made a mess. Their feelings do not require introspection. My actions are the issue in that case. If im confused i would ask “How do my actions affect you?”. I might not realize how big a problem the mess is for them, that’s where the education is needed, not on why they have feelings about my mess.
You clearly need to improve your communication skills
/s
And if it doesn’t?
Then they are acting unreasonably. It’s not so hard.
Trying to start a terapy randomly feeling like the one of the wort advice personally. In theory it is best thing to argue about something but in practice probably it will devolve to something else.
- If you are not know what are you doing probably wont accomplish anything.
- For this to work both side need to be adult in their emotion and thinking but this is a very rare situation.
- There is a chance if other side thinking you are being arrogant, manipulative or blaming other side.
In theory it is a basic and clever method but if you are dont know what are you doing it will be like landing a plane with written insturactions.
Well it’s either you or her. Get better at communicating or tell her to figure out her shit.
Or both. It could be both. Really, its usually both.
It’s best to explain why what’s your doing is not mansplaining. That always works.
The real answer is to leave. I don’t think I’ve ever had a meaningful or productive conversation where any of these were used.
Though I can see stonewalling being used in earnest.
It’s best to explain why what’s your doing is not mansplaining. That always works.
If somebody accuses you of mansplaining, there is nothing you can do. that makes this so toxic as an argument. It’s basically saying “Whatever you are saying or want to say is worthless because of your gender”. I know that mansplaining is in theory a specific kind of disrespectful explaining, but in too many cases it’s used to deflect valid arguments. If someone is acting like that, the only way is to not interact further.
Yeah that top part was a joke.
It would be like asking a woman if it’s her time of the month or if she’s PMSing. It’s aggressively devalidating and at that point there’s nothing to say.
Stonewalling is probably the best only one on that list where a response would actually make anything better.
tell her to calm down, she is being hysterical
Respond with a strong assertive wave of the hand and a firm “silence women”
“Men are speaking” emphasised with a pat on the bottom.
Probably that time of the month
And then suggest the Edwardian era cure for hysterical women: orgasm.
