I think this is less about guilting the victim and more about reminding them that people care about them. The assumption is that those who take their own lives feel like no one cares for/loves them.
Unfortunately, this take often reads like conservative pundits that only “care” about fetuses until they’re born, at which point they’re considered a drain on society.
A lot of the quotes people repeat when trying to help someone ends up backfiring. You can’t just repeat plattitudes. People suffering from mental illness aren’t stupid or deaf, they’ve already heard the lines before. Mimicry doesn’t help.
The only generalized thing I can recommend people to say when trying to help someone with mental issues is to just ask: “What do you need?”. If they need space, give it. If they need to talk, listen. If they need something else, be honest about whether that’s in your ability to help with.
Another important thing to note is to not view them as something that needs to be fixed. And you need to be very honest with yourself about that. Most people will try to “help” because it makes them feel better, not the person they’re trying to help.
there is a difference between someone caring for me as a feeling, and doing it as an activity.
like yes, my parents cared about me, emotionally. but their actions, were hardly ever caring.
and people don’t seem to understand the difference. i have had the same thing in romantic relationships. someone saying they care about you is very different than them actually doing this that show that they care, and sometimes, their feelings of care, lead them to engage in activities that are abusive and make the other person feel like absolute shit about themselves and the relationship.
have you ever been in a relationship with someone who claims to love you, and just systematically does things that show you they don’t love you, or does those things under the guises of love, but is actively harming you?
because that’s what physical/emotional abusers do. they see their abuse of you as them loving/caring for you. or ‘just trying to help’.
i think my favorite example was LTR i was in once, where i had a girlfriend who showed she cared about my studying for cert exames, by buying me pencils… cute. but then she systematically got enraged that i was spending so much time studying and not spending it with her, and that she engaged in active sabotage of me emotionally so that i’d fail the exams. but she ‘was loving and supportive’ by buying me… pencils… least to say i was never able to articulate the problem to her of her actions. She basically just told me I was a awful jerk for ‘neglecting her’ by needing a couple of nights off to study… she was co-dependent and saw those 5-6 hours of me investing in my (and our) future… as ‘theft’ from her need to be with me everyday. i only broke up with her because shortly thereafter she physically assaulted me, again under the guise of ‘correcting’ my ‘abuse’ of her, which she alleged was because I was not ‘doing enough’ to impress her parents…
I think this is less about guilting the victim and more about reminding them that people care about them. The assumption is that those who take their own lives feel like no one cares for/loves them.
Unfortunately, this take often reads like conservative pundits that only “care” about fetuses until they’re born, at which point they’re considered a drain on society.
A lot of the quotes people repeat when trying to help someone ends up backfiring. You can’t just repeat plattitudes. People suffering from mental illness aren’t stupid or deaf, they’ve already heard the lines before. Mimicry doesn’t help.
The only generalized thing I can recommend people to say when trying to help someone with mental issues is to just ask: “What do you need?”. If they need space, give it. If they need to talk, listen. If they need something else, be honest about whether that’s in your ability to help with.
Another important thing to note is to not view them as something that needs to be fixed. And you need to be very honest with yourself about that. Most people will try to “help” because it makes them feel better, not the person they’re trying to help.
there is a difference between someone caring for me as a feeling, and doing it as an activity.
like yes, my parents cared about me, emotionally. but their actions, were hardly ever caring.
and people don’t seem to understand the difference. i have had the same thing in romantic relationships. someone saying they care about you is very different than them actually doing this that show that they care, and sometimes, their feelings of care, lead them to engage in activities that are abusive and make the other person feel like absolute shit about themselves and the relationship.
have you ever been in a relationship with someone who claims to love you, and just systematically does things that show you they don’t love you, or does those things under the guises of love, but is actively harming you?
because that’s what physical/emotional abusers do. they see their abuse of you as them loving/caring for you. or ‘just trying to help’.
i think my favorite example was LTR i was in once, where i had a girlfriend who showed she cared about my studying for cert exames, by buying me pencils… cute. but then she systematically got enraged that i was spending so much time studying and not spending it with her, and that she engaged in active sabotage of me emotionally so that i’d fail the exams. but she ‘was loving and supportive’ by buying me… pencils… least to say i was never able to articulate the problem to her of her actions. She basically just told me I was a awful jerk for ‘neglecting her’ by needing a couple of nights off to study… she was co-dependent and saw those 5-6 hours of me investing in my (and our) future… as ‘theft’ from her need to be with me everyday. i only broke up with her because shortly thereafter she physically assaulted me, again under the guise of ‘correcting’ my ‘abuse’ of her, which she alleged was because I was not ‘doing enough’ to impress her parents…
everyone cares about when you’re dead
because at that point you are nothing but a memory and you can’t ever upset or burden or annoy them. they can just idealize you.