Hi all. As this is the internet, I’m sure I’m going to get backlash and negative comments about me personally (“you were never REALLY vegan”), but before you do that please know this post is coming from someone struggling with a lot of things beyond just this and is legit looking for help.
I’ve been vegan for 6 years now (for the animals and for the environment). During that time I have never knowingly consumed any kind of animal products be it food or otherwise. I always felt I was doing the right thing for me and strongly felt the need to reduce harm that I inflict as a human consumer. I struggle with self-esteem so I always figured “I’m a piece of shit, why should anything have to suffer to sustain me?” I should note I also live in a very VERY rural area and I’m the only vegan I personally know both locally and anywhere else.
Lately I’ve been struggling with my conviction when it comes to being vegan. I see all the horrible things in this world. How no one seems to care for anything other than themselves these days. Humans can’t even treat each other with basic decency let alone animals. All humans seem to do is destroy the environment so they can google something faster or generate some slop that looks the same as all the rest. So why should I even bother anymore? Buy that leather belt, eat that chicken. Baseline decency is no longer needed it seems, why go further?
I guess what I’m saying is the world is shit and most of the people in it seem to be as well. Why should I care about harm reduction anymore? If the status quo is to treat everything and everyone like shit, then what’s the point anymore?
When I play it forward in my mind, the thought of actually consuming animal products makes me physically ill, but I feel like I’m thinking about it more and more and the time it takes for me to get to that nausea takes longer and longer. And that is what truly worries me.
I hate that I’m starting to not care about others anymore, and frankly could use a caring ear and words.
EDIT: Thank you for the advice and encouragement all. I know this is something I’m going to struggle with for some time, but I’m bookmarking this to come back to your reminders about why I do this. Whether that reason is compassion or spite. Both work depending on the day. I am grateful for you all.
That makes sense. When I say spite is a motivator for me, it’s always been to prove myself: “Oh you think this is too hard for someone to do? Watch me.” That sort of thing. It’s how I quit smoking many years ago, to spite those that thought I couldn’t by simply going cold turkey. Telling me I can’t do something is, or used to me, the easiest way to get me to do it to the best of my ability. Just to prove the other wrong about their assumptions about me. Maybe that voice in my head telling me to fuck being vegan is the one I need to prove wrong this time.