I’m exhausted… I don’t know how to break out of this.

I keep having wars inside my head. Dysphoria, imposter syndrome, and OCD that keeps telling me I’m not trans.

I feel really relived when I experience euphoria, but I want to feel like that all the time, which doesn’t happen. So I end up creating an image in my head of who I want to be, I somehow manage to live as this image instead who I am right now. But I also can’t keep that image alive 24/7 without feeling like my head is gonna explode. Whenever that image breaks, I feel really sad. Perfect opportunity for the negative thoughts to return, and I’m already exhausted from trying to keep that image alive that I end up disconnecting from everything.

I’m just numb, my head is so empty, but I’m sure after a few hours, everything will be a mess again. The worst thing is that even when I feel euphoric and happy, it doesn’t feel “me”, as if I don’t have what it takes to be “him”, and I don’t feel like I exist at all. I just want to keep living from my head.

Sorry, nothing I wrote makes sense at all.

  • ckytoshi@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
    3·
    10 days ago

    Thank you, I’m glad I’m not alone.

    I actually realized I don’t really live in the present. I tried to do that today, but somehow it’s really scary and doesn’t feel real.

    I will try writing when I can. will do my best.

    • Bloom@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
      2·
      9 days ago

      You’re welcome ! Aw >.< I just want to give you a biiig hug ! 🩷 If therapy is difficult to do now, would it be helpful maybe to reach out to a trusted family member or friend? You don’t have to tell them everything, just what you’re comfortable with.

      Please be kind to yourself x