Everything your wrote made perfect sense.
And it is sooo relatable for a lot of trans people too. Dysphoria, imposter syndrome, the need for change and the pace with it, perfection. Those feelings are confusing and exhausting. Some are fun too (euphoria). Then numbness, the disconnection, the sense of not existing >.< that’s heavy… I am so sorry you feel this way
If things feel too much that’s valid too. For now, be in the present. Just be. Drink some water, breathe. Maybe do something that you can do without thinking?
Give yourself the time. Be gentle with yourself 💕 You got this, and we got you! You, your struggle? So valid.
On a more practical note: if and when you feel more energetic (and only then) , you could start writing down your thoughts and organise them. You also already discovered a pattern in your behaviour ! That’s really good. Self awareness is often the first step in improvement and understanding. Writing helped me also. A bit like you have done now. I would also encourage you, if you have that option, to seek a therapist. Preferably one that specialises in transgender care.
Take a one step at a time, and you know where to find us xo
You’re welcome ! Aw >.< I just want to give you a biiig hug ! 🩷 If therapy is difficult to do now, would it be helpful maybe to reach out to a trusted family member or friend? You don’t have to tell them everything, just what you’re comfortable with.
Please be kind to yourself x