I’m exhausted… I don’t know how to break out of this.

I keep having wars inside my head. Dysphoria, imposter syndrome, and OCD that keeps telling me I’m not trans.

I feel really relived when I experience euphoria, but I want to feel like that all the time, which doesn’t happen. So I end up creating an image in my head of who I want to be, I somehow manage to live as this image instead who I am right now. But I also can’t keep that image alive 24/7 without feeling like my head is gonna explode. Whenever that image breaks, I feel really sad. Perfect opportunity for the negative thoughts to return, and I’m already exhausted from trying to keep that image alive that I end up disconnecting from everything.

I’m just numb, my head is so empty, but I’m sure after a few hours, everything will be a mess again. The worst thing is that even when I feel euphoric and happy, it doesn’t feel “me”, as if I don’t have what it takes to be “him”, and I don’t feel like I exist at all. I just want to keep living from my head.

Sorry, nothing I wrote makes sense at all.

  • Bloom@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    5·
    10 days ago

    Everything your wrote made perfect sense.

    And it is sooo relatable for a lot of trans people too. Dysphoria, imposter syndrome, the need for change and the pace with it, perfection. Those feelings are confusing and exhausting. Some are fun too (euphoria). Then numbness, the disconnection, the sense of not existing >.< that’s heavy… I am so sorry you feel this way

    If things feel too much that’s valid too. For now, be in the present. Just be. Drink some water, breathe. Maybe do something that you can do without thinking?

    Give yourself the time. Be gentle with yourself 💕 You got this, and we got you! You, your struggle? So valid.

    On a more practical note: if and when you feel more energetic (and only then) , you could start writing down your thoughts and organise them. You also already discovered a pattern in your behaviour ! That’s really good. Self awareness is often the first step in improvement and understanding. Writing helped me also. A bit like you have done now. I would also encourage you, if you have that option, to seek a therapist. Preferably one that specialises in transgender care.

    Take a one step at a time, and you know where to find us xo

    • ckytoshi@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
      3·
      10 days ago

      Thank you, I’m glad I’m not alone.

      I actually realized I don’t really live in the present. I tried to do that today, but somehow it’s really scary and doesn’t feel real.

      I will try writing when I can. will do my best.

      • Bloom@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
        2·
        9 days ago

        You’re welcome ! Aw >.< I just want to give you a biiig hug ! 🩷 If therapy is difficult to do now, would it be helpful maybe to reach out to a trusted family member or friend? You don’t have to tell them everything, just what you’re comfortable with.

        Please be kind to yourself x