Every relationship is built on ultimatums. Such a weird opinion to say it’s abusive. I’m leaving if my partner cheats, picks up a drug habit, or spends all of our money, for instance.
I think there’s a difference between a hard boundary and an ultimatum. The former exists before it needs to be said, and the latter is a “do/stop this or the relationship is over”. It’s often associated with existing relationship issues or a sudden change in the relationship.
It’s also associated with an expectation that one gets their way. Rather than approaching as a conversation about “are we still compatible” it becomes a cudgel. When I rejected my ex’s ultimatum it resulted in her begging me to change my answer and later yelling at me about my being willing to end the relationship.
yep, been there. I had one ex crash out at me 6 months later, because they found out I had found someone else… while they were also dating someone else. Like we broke up in Sept than one random day in March I had multiple ranting voicemails that I woke up to one day about how I ‘betrayed’ her and how I had ‘clearly never loved her’.
She was the one that initiated the breakup over an ultimatum, but her ‘plan’ was that I would come crawling back to her or something. Because it’s only True Love if you’re completely broken and subordinate to the other person, including abuse.
Every relationship is built on ultimatums. Such a weird opinion to say it’s abusive. I’m leaving if my partner cheats, picks up a drug habit, or spends all of our money, for instance.
I think there’s a difference between a hard boundary and an ultimatum. The former exists before it needs to be said, and the latter is a “do/stop this or the relationship is over”. It’s often associated with existing relationship issues or a sudden change in the relationship.
It’s also associated with an expectation that one gets their way. Rather than approaching as a conversation about “are we still compatible” it becomes a cudgel. When I rejected my ex’s ultimatum it resulted in her begging me to change my answer and later yelling at me about my being willing to end the relationship.
yep, been there. I had one ex crash out at me 6 months later, because they found out I had found someone else… while they were also dating someone else. Like we broke up in Sept than one random day in March I had multiple ranting voicemails that I woke up to one day about how I ‘betrayed’ her and how I had ‘clearly never loved her’.
She was the one that initiated the breakup over an ultimatum, but her ‘plan’ was that I would come crawling back to her or something. Because it’s only True Love if you’re completely broken and subordinate to the other person, including abuse.
There’s a difference between ultimatums and boundaries