My ex tried this shit with me talking to any women. I had never, even once, given her any hint of inpropriety.
I ended it there, that day, and just stayed single for the next year or so.
The answer to most ultimatums is no. It’s one thing if it’s something you need to change and is reasonable to demand, but even then by the time it hits an ultimatum the relationship is often in a position where the damage runs deep.
I’ve ended an engagement over an ultimatum and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve made
What blows my mind, is everytime I was issued one of these… it was from a person who was objectively like way worse or had way bigger issues than I did.
Like, yeah I have to stop playing video games, but you have to pay off your $50,000 in credit card debt.
And the reply was, no, you have to quit video games, so you can work more, and make more money and pay off my debt for me.
And naturally friends/family took her side, because I have the penis and it’s my job to pay off her debts, or some bullshit.
anyway, good news is i’m single and financially secure, and happy, instead of together with someone being broke and miserable all the time and doesn’t allow me to have any joy on my own.
Them: You have to stop playing video games, they’re a waste of money and time and take up too much space
Me: Ok, then you stop collecting funkos
The answer to most ultimatums is no
or https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mu_(negative)#Non-dualistic_meaning
Such an alpha move when, if someone sits you down, you first get up and sit down on the other side of them before you respond.
Memes aside, there’s nothing more important than the people in your life. Spend time with them.
I’ve had a partner criticize my video game time before. They didn’t want to spend more time with me though, they just didn’t like that I was talking to other people online. I’ve also had a partner spend 90% of their free time online and ignore our relationship. What I find most interesting about the meme however is that any time it comes up it’s always the female partner giving the ultimatum, and I do not think that is a coincidence, I think it’s shaping a perception, and rage bait.
I do not think that is a coincidence, I think it’s shaping a perception, and rage bait.
Also notable that the people in the meme are inevitably very attractive. They tend to be younger, whiter, and upper class. And the wall-of-text response is always dripping with smugness and guaranteed the final word.
It’s all very Reddit.
I think it’s shaping the perception that guys tend to spend more time playing video games compared to women, or at least that is the view from a societal standpoint
It’s absolutely pushing an agenda. But for once, the guy’s response is reasonable and healthy.
And yet, it’s also what a person would say if they did prefer gaming 24/7 but also wanted her to feel that she was at fault for ruining a relationship he was never invested in. He’s not even looking her in the eye to make his accusation.
Meh. Judging people on eye contact is ableist.
But yeah, it could be that tactic and then the outcome is still good. Relationship ends.
Yeah it wouldn’t be a bad response at all in a healthy relationship context. I wish all partners could give each other the same respect. I like the response, just not the frame.
Yes, but:
Three hours later
OMG so why did you guys break up? You were so perfect for each other!
He chose his video games over me…
Wow what a loser, you’re so much better than him
I’m sure he’s devastated that his ex’s friends are supporting her.
Not uncommon for couples to share friends. No matter who it is, no one likes getting bad mouthed behind their back
“Can you believe she had the gall to accuse me of choosing video games over her‽ Anyway, back to the campaign…”
Upvoted for the interrobang.
Relationships built on ultimatums are very abusive. You’re forcing someone to do something they don’t want to do to fit your expectations.
If you feel like your only recourse to get what you want is to make an ultimatum, maybe it’s already time to move on.
It depends on the more on what is at stake more than just the ultimatum. Get sober or get out is very different than stop your hobby or get out. No matter how you try to get someone to give up their running club, it’s probably an abusive move.
It doesn’t matter though, you’re still a massive asshole in the other person’s mind.
Even if it’s objectively something positive, like stopping drinking or other destructive behaviors.
People have to want to change themselves, if they don’t, you’re just being a dick. It’s very different if your partner wants to change habits and lifestyle and asks for your assistance.
You either never cheat on me or this relationship is over.
i would like to gave a gaming relationship like this (playing with no cheaters)
You just have to install Denuvo on your partner.
Every relationship is built on ultimatums. Such a weird opinion to say it’s abusive. I’m leaving if my partner cheats, picks up a drug habit, or spends all of our money, for instance.
I think there’s a difference between a hard boundary and an ultimatum. The former exists before it needs to be said, and the latter is a “do/stop this or the relationship is over”. It’s often associated with existing relationship issues or a sudden change in the relationship.
It’s also associated with an expectation that one gets their way. Rather than approaching as a conversation about “are we still compatible” it becomes a cudgel. When I rejected my ex’s ultimatum it resulted in her begging me to change my answer and later yelling at me about my being willing to end the relationship.
yep, been there. I had one ex crash out at me 6 months later, because they found out I had found someone else… while they were also dating someone else. Like we broke up in Sept than one random day in March I had multiple ranting voicemails that I woke up to one day about how I ‘betrayed’ her and how I had ‘clearly never loved her’.
She was the one that initiated the breakup over an ultimatum, but her ‘plan’ was that I would come crawling back to her or something. Because it’s only True Love if you’re completely broken and subordinate to the other person, including abuse.
There’s a difference between ultimatums and boundaries
…he said, adjusting his gaming diaper.
That gal negotiates like donald j trump, the president and moral leader of the united states of america! /s
Do you fuckers even know what a meme is? 2/10 do better.
If she is saying this at this point it feels like she feels that he is neglecting her to play video games
So the line ‘While you are obviously more important to me than some silly games’ is not obvious at all, to the point where she feels like she is not important to him at all and thus worth ending the relationship over (since there is effectively no relationship)
In fact I’d argue this is a complete strawman of a meme and designed entirely just to make 1 person look bad and the other feel smug and superior 🤓
No, it’s not.
I’ve had women bring this up to me. I was not neglecting them. They simple HATED video games and thought they were awful and terrible. They were a ‘waste of time’. Meanwhile her scrolling on her phone hours a day is not.
Often it’s because the other person is insecure and controlling and has double standards.
I’ve personally had a girlfriend criticize my video game playing. While she was on vacation. In the first month of dating her. She was saying that playing video games was immature and that I really should only play video games to spend time with my nephew. This meme resonated with me because it reminded me to respect myself and my hobbies even if I get shamed for it by women.
Believe it or not, women can be toxic too.
Yep. I don’t understand why people can’t admit this stuff. Some people, many of them women, have an irrational negative view of video games, based on stigmatic beliefs that are objectively untrue.
You’re right - it may feel obvious to him but not her. But saying “sometimes I feel neglected, let’s figure out how to fix that” is much healthier than saying “stop or I’ll leave”
Take memes seriously and get into arguments on the internet!
It seems like you’ve never had a partner who tries to totally monopolize your time, and treats any time not spent focused on them as neglect. I can assure you this is no straw man.
My ex wife did this. Also, didnt allow me to go to bed until she was ready, which meant that I’d be going to bed at 2 am every night, which is terrible when you have to wake up at 4 to be at work by 5:30 every morning.
Literally sitting on the same couch with her leaning on me, I’m reading a book and she is watching tv; “I don’t feel like we spend any time together anymore.”
So!
You might have some neurodivergence. I was diagnosed with ADHD (Inattentive-Moderate) and I recognise this situation.
You are happy and fulfilled by ‘parallel play’ where you are with someone but you are each doing your own thing.
It sounds like your partner is asking for dedicated quality time. With active interaction.
So here’s what you do: Buy LEGO.
Nothing major (at first). The Botanical sets are lovely. Then you pick an evening, put on some background music and sit across from each other building your own set and talking about stupid garbage.
Once you’re done, order some food in and cuddle on the couch with a comfy movie. (WALL-E, Spirited Away, Hot Fuzz. Something like that).Maybe, if you’re a giga-chad, you sneak some fancy dessert into the house earlier in the day.
I reckon people have different opinions on “what spending time together” entails - ranging from
- being in the same room doing different stuff
- Sitting next to each other doing different stuff
- sitting next to each other watching the same movie
- Talking together Etc.
for some folks it means you can’t have any other hobbies/friends/interests that dont include them.
this is called co-dependency.
I had a girlfriend once who basically would not let me leave the house without her, to like even go buy milk. she was so insecure she lacked object permanence. Of course, I didn’t know this about her until we lived together. But basically after a few months we broke up because I was basically living with a toddler, and in her mind I was the abusive awful person, for thinking I could go leave the house for 5 minutes without her, and fi I wanted to like come home later and get some time alone, that was ABUSE.
Oh right, and she used to run every morning and if I was feeling sick or otherwise not up to running with her… I was ABUSING HER.
Her own parents tried to talk her down out of absurd was she was being, but she simple took that as me having manipulated her parents to my side… yeah… she was not well.
Suffice to say in reality there would be context to indicate who in that partnership would be the unreasonable one. As presented, no way to know if he gamed once in a while and she is annoyed because she is disdainful of the activity, or if he is marathon gaming and never engaging with her.
Ok, well then the partner whose time is being monopolized has agency and probably should have ended the relationship before this conversation
Easier said than done sometimes.
Definitely. Relationships are hard
Does it change anything at all that it’s just a meme and not a real description of life?
Does that change anything at all for you?
It is a strawman but giving an ultimatum is also a nuclear option in a relationship and it’s over when the other person said “it’s me or…”, that is the last argument of a failed relationship. Does the first person have an unhealthy habit that they are unwilling to change, possibly, but if you’re trying to change someone to fit your wants and needs then you’re not ever going to be in a healthy relationship.
Maybe you or they change or develop a new habit during along relationship, well then everyone has communicate in a healthy manner and then there’s possiblity of breaking off the relationship.
But I’ve seen this scenario more than once where the partner went straight for the ultimatum and the obvious defense to me would be to not engage or deflect because that’s a Kobayashi Maru.
I took it as a non serious joke riffing of a common meme.
See and I took it as the same neurospicy toxic culture that seems to be growing from all these young men that are just generally immature and angry.
Though god forbid you highlight that because many of them will rail back because they have all the time in the world because they’re all losers and some of them are mods and will delete your comments anyways.
Yeah you had me in the first half but went off the rails there
An expert display of narcissism. He completely dismisses how she feels and then tells her that she is the problem.
narcissist for not tolerating manipulation and abuse?
The narcissist wouldn’t dump her over it, he’d apologize and keep doing it.
No. He’d dump her, then come back all apologetic less than 24 hours later, beg for forgiveness, and promise to change. He’d make grand gestures in the first few days and make her feel like he might be serious this time. Within a week, whatever it was will have become her fault, she’ll always have been the real abuser in the situation, and he’ll punish her by withdrawing until she interprets his vague, passive-aggressive hints correctly in order to atone for her sins against him in the only way he has deemed appropriate. This whole thing will have been just one one in a long line of many similar incidents, which have escalated over enough time that he has convinced her that she is, in fact, the bad one and that she deserves to be treated this way because of it. She’ll have been kept on an emotional rollercoaster for so long that when (if) the relationship finally does end, it will take a very long time for her to be able to identify the pattern.
I have some first-hand experience in this area.
Hmm yeah “how she feels” being a manipulative ultimatum
Yes, “It’s me or your video games” strongly suggests, in this fictional scenario, that it’s by no means the first time this issue has been brought up. Even if that were the case, however, the reply by the guy would be arrogant and selfish, since it ignores his partner’s needs instead of respecting them.
Maybe, maybe not. It could be that he’s actually neglecting her for video games. It could be that her idea of “neglect” is any time at all pursuing his own hobbies. Both scenarios occur, I don’t think it’s reasonable to say this “strongly” suggests one in particular.
Yeah, armchair psychologists often like to throw out the “this isn’t what it seems” argument with such conviction that they forget that it still definitely could be what it seems.
… he says from his armchair
I suppose that would be a gotcha if I we’re actually trying to read into a scenario I know nothing about, rather than just calling someone else out for doing so.
Eh I’m just teasing you it’s all good
I guess I’m just an armchair armchair-spotter, haha!
In any case, this response isn’t very helpful, since it doesn’t aim to resolve the conflict. Ending the relationship might be the solution—but even then, it probably wouldn’t be the most conciliatory way to part ways.
I simply assume that most people are capable of communicating with one another. If that isn’t the case in a relationship—whatever the reason may be—I don’t think the relationship will last long—at least not if everyone involved is supposed to be happy in it.
I think you’re totally right, but also don’t underestimate the average person’s willingness to tolerate being in a bad or even toxic relationship. A lot of those folks are commenting here in this thread
Thanks. Yea, it seems I didn’t take some sensitivities into account in my comment, judging by the downvotes it received. It was by no means my intention to upset anyone; I simply wanted to express my belief that it’s a good thing to treat each other with respect and show understanding for one another, even if that can sometimes be difficult.
At least for me, this has always worked pretty well in relationships, which is why I thought I’d recommend it.
Who is “he” in this?
Haha no, short answer: too bad for you, it’s video games! ❤️
I feel like the whole situation would not even happen if they had a healthy relationship, as in discussing their feelings.
It’s good to talk about our feelings.
