There was the time I had to hunt down an employee to make a copy of a house key for me because they didn’t have any of the automatic machines and the other home improvement super store in the area which did have an automatic key making kiosk unfortunately did not have a functional automatic key making kiosk.
For 45 minutes, I tried to steer the conversation away to almost any topic besides the one he insisted on having about his favorite American football team, The Patriots. This guy was stopping the key duplication process just to look me in the eyes and tell me about The Patriots. He messed up his first 2 attempts at copying the key I was having made because he was too busy talking to me about The Patriots. I probably told him 10 times in the course of this episode that I don’t watch sports at all, don’t know the teams, the players, the rules, the seasons, and I have no interest in it. That didn’t dissuade his passion to discuss The Patriots with me at all.
Got home and of course the set of keys he made didn’t work.
When someone asks me for project advice, it’s usually someone SO woefully ignorant that I think it’s irresponsible to sell them tools. The other 1% of the time, it’s someone very experienced asking me an incredibly detailed question that I couldn’t possibly answer.
At a computer store I’m the 1% guy. At a hardware store I’m the 99% guy.
Hardware store guy: “I’m here if you need any advice!”
Me: “How do I begin to heal from past traumas when my only coping mechanism is fantasization and when the only emotional reaction I have to someone breaking contact with me is validation of my belief that I’m a burden and they are better off without me in their life?”
My stereotypical hardware store guy response would probably be, “Whiskey”.
Put some wd-40 on it
They might know where something is, that’s about it.
However, there was an autistic kid working at my local Lowe’s for a while. If I had trouble finding something, I’d ask him, and he’d quietly walk me right to it. Every time, no matter what it was. One time, I was in looking for a locking door knob set, he pointed me to one that had been mis-priced and was 80% off. He said it was a pretty good deal, and that he’d sold a couple of them that day. I took it to the check out and it threw an error. I explained the situation and waited. After a while, a “manager” showed up and said they couldn’t sell it for that price, but they’d give me 50% off.
I can’t remember how old I am sometimes…
I mean, I also have some autism flavor with enhanced memory, and I don’t either remember my age most of the time. It’s just not terribly relevant information and it keeps changing every year as well. And for the few situations when I do need it, I can work it out with maths, it’s fine.
I can’t remember just about anything lol, but that does make me feel better, thank you
The look they give you when you are the twenty seventh customer and ask for your free ballpeen hammer
David Cross is a great stand-up comedian.
David Cross when you call him “that guy from the Chipmunk movie.”
Isn’t he the world’s foremost Anal-Rapist
you’re out of the band.
“How do I open the package on my battery operated package opener?”
My favorite is needing a screwdriver to open my screwdriver.
Carefully.
Unless you visit Ace Hardware.
Yeah I’m a useless yuppie and I love how genuinely helpful the workers at Ace are.
Damn them and their neutral expressions!
True Value was my first job as a teen. I was beyond useless when it came to actually using the things sold in the store. I lived at home, had never done any actual projects myself beyond a pinewood derby car, and was not to be trusted beyond which aisle something is in.
I know more than them, the only advice I need is where to find the bathroom
He looks like he could use a Thunder Muscle.
