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Anyone who is going through this, you have to try. You have to put effort into yourself and get used to rejection. It’s not fun but if it’s important to you then it’s important to show up.
I didn’t have my first kiss until 26. I have a wife and two kids. Just so you don’t think it was easy for me.
Can’t.
I spent my whole life being told to not be a creep, don’t just go up to women they don’t want random men approaching them, they’re at the club for a good time with friends, etc.
So that only leaves online dating and I’m not a 10/10 so never get a match.
So that only leaves online dating and I’m not a 10/10 so never get a match.
Bullshit. That’s just toxic internet culture talking. You may have to put some effort in your profile, but it worked for me and I’m a 6 at best.
Been doing it for a few months now and no matches. Rejected 4 times in real life. Also, because of other preconditions my capacity for social interaction is very limited.
I hate when people say “just put in some effort”. I’m doing it, I’m giving it all I have but I did so for about 10 years now and I got nothing. I don’t hate the people that rejected me but this can’t be normal, and I’m not the only one.
I’m happy for people where it works out but I feel immense pain knowing I’m back to square one for the 4th time. And let’s not kid ourselves, 10 years going by doesn’t exactly make me more attractive.
Are you liking lots of people on these apps or are you very selective about how you give out likes? If you’re not very selective you’re probably being flagged as a bot and it’s putting your profile at the bottom of the stack of profiles.
Are you using friend finding apps as well? I found that on those, the expectations are way more normal. If the goal is just to meet someone cool and then there could be a relationship after then that already lowers those guardrails that the dating apps cause, from my experience.
I highly recommend changing your approach if what you are currently doing is not working. I recommend joining a running or biking group local to meet people, or even looking for speed dating events in your city.
I guarantee there are people out there that would match your tempo perfectly. The caveat is putting yourself in spaces to meet these potential matches. Do you read, have any pets, or have any fun hobbies a potential partner would find attractive? If you do have any of these things, then mentioning it in your profiles and such can matter.
Someone I know, that I was strongly convinced was going to marry a body pillow, is married to a woman he has dated for a few years now. I firmly believe that there is hope for anyone to find a perfect partner. The crux is that you might have to change what you are doing to encounter some of these people.
What are friend finding apps? Can you name drop some please.
MeetMe was one I used; Interpals was a website I used for penpals. Some other ones that seem alright are Hoop, Meetup, and Peeps.
I am constantly changing what I’m doing. I have been more selective and less selective over time. I have switched to a different dating app. Now there’s more people, but still no matches. I even got a friend helping me match people just so I am not too picky or anything. He also looked through my profile and said it’s fine. I am quite nerdy but every now and again I end up in random places trying out new things. Because of my preconditions I really can’t do this as much as I would like because otherwise I would go insane, so unfortunately that’s something I cannot change. Don’t get me wrong I will still try because giving up would suck even more but at this point I’m also starting to fight loneliness and depression again, which tbh was just a matter of time because of these things. I did therapy, I tried to grow and change, I did all of it. In fact, my self-optimization can at times be an issue in itself, which I have been trying to fix for the past 2 years, and I am aware of the irony.
What I’m saying is, if this is the way to find a partner, I might die before getting there, one way or another, and it’s incredibly frustrating when you never know what or when you’re doing things right or wrong.
I also realize that I’m sounding like an incel, but the truth is I effectively am. I definitely don’t wanna become old and bitter but everything is signalling me to give up.
That’s good that you are trying different things out, you really want to be casting a wide net to find your perfect matches. I’m of the belief that there’s probably only about ~5%-10% of the population that’s we are a perfect match for and vice versa, but that’s still a ton of real people and many of them may not be on dating apps.
I’ve been coaching a friend of mine that has had similar answers as you. He tried a different app and his match rate was still close to zero, if not zero. Oddly when he turned one year older his match rate went up a lot, so maybe there was a decent amount of women he was attracted to that wanted someone a bit older and more mature.
That’s good that you have had a friend look over your profile. I feel that dating profiles specifically are a bit clickbait-ish. Having some good quality photos couldn’t hurt your chances to having a conversation, do you have any pictures that show you socializing with peers and other women? I would encourage you to ask any women that are friends SOs or family to help give another look over your pictures and even your bio.
What I liked about some of the friend finding apps I mentioned is you could reach out without having to match with anyone. I was shocked at how many more conversations I was having with even people less than 5-10 minutes away from me.
That’s totally understandable to be limiting the amount of events for your own health. Being able to have fun while going out is an important part of it.
It’s okay to focus on yourself a bit more as well. I feel that dating comes second to your mental health. It’s important to show yourself some love to be able to share that same love with others. Growth and change don’t have to be linear, each step you take is worth the effort even if you feel like it’s been up and down. Self-optimizing feels like it should be helpful, until those shortcuts start hurting, as I’ve been sorely learning lol.
I recommend taking breaks from looking whenever you’re feeling burnt out, for your own sake. Sometimes it can be where you are that is impacting your outlooks. For instance if you’re trying to meet up with nerdy women in an area that isn’t very nerd friendly then there can be less nerdy women around your local area, at least on some of the apps.
I feel like so much of it really is about time and place being the main factors for finding your match. The owners of the dating apps want you to be on their dating apps as long as possible because they profit from it. Men and women get sick of these platform and pay for the pro-features that put their profile at the top of the stack for others to view. Many issues with modern dating is caused by these for-profit dating apps.
I had about 3 matches per year. I married one of them. Been together for almost 7 years now.
Dating sites have the data on this. Women on dating apps rate 80% of men below average. Men rate 50% of women below average. It’s not just a talking point.
That is true, but being rated below average does not make it impossible to find a partner. Just more difficult. On the other hand, when being rated below average you will get less matches, but from what I hear the matches you do get are less superficial.
From my experience online dating (as a man) is a complete waste of time. In about one year I got like 10 matches at Max and half of those didnt even had any form of somewhat decent communication.
I did put quite some effort into my profile but it didnt help anything.
Now since I switched sides I have gotten more likes in a single week than I got in a whole year just because I switched from male to female. I Am pre everything, so I dont even look remotely feminine and most of my pictures are kinda ass, but I dont really bother to make some good ones.
From my experience online dating as a man is either hit or miss. A friend of mine had luck with it several times, but at least for me online dating was the biggest waste of time of my life.
Online dating has also been poisoned by creepy dudes. A lady I matched to on Bumble told me that when she matched to some guy and when the dude realized they lived close enough, he wanted to have a quick one night stand with her. Now, this dude was supposedly a surgeon. So, it makes things difficult for all of us, who are looking for something more stable and long term.
And herein lies a big issue - only a minority of men are creeps towards women, but because they’re creeps towards so many women it means that women ubiquitously experience creepy dudes. That causes women to become (understandably) more guarded and jaded and makes things harder for the majority of men who aren’t creeps.
It’s truly a vicious cycle that makes things worse for everyone.
You’ve reduced your options to online dating or hooking up with club girls. I’d start by expanding those options.
So don’t be a creep, meet people as they are, don’t meet people expecting them to have sex with you
Work on yourself, go to therapy, get a hobby or read a book, join a reading group.
You have to be a part of a community to meet people. You can’t just hang out on the internet posting about how unfair it all is, and expect anything to magically change
take care
Just for anyone else in the thread: this doesn’t work lmao.
I used to be depressed and anxious af. Took a break from uni, moved back in with my parents, went to therapy, got better, joined a book club, started hanging out more at social centers and talking to people, got a part-time job as a waiter, started working out and paying attention to my looks… still no gf. You can’t become a successful person by merely going through the motions of what you think a successful person’s life looks like. You can’t cargo cult your way into happiness.
I find it hard to find people though. I do my regular activity and hobbies and go about my life, I make friends but they’re mostly guys. I’m also not the type to ask every cute girl out. Idk, I still got one more year at school so maybe something will happen
It sucks even when you don’t have any inherent issues; but imagine trying to find a relationship with BPD and you constently self-sabotage yourself because your stupid broken brain says that you’re a fool for believing anyone gives a single shit about you.
The guy is a fucking bum. Why are so many people here trying to force positivity when the point is realizing he wasted his life. The point isn’t to twist it into some exercise in tolerance to smell your own farts. It’s ok to say “you bum”
Anon wasted their life by age 33 by working a job and not finding someone?
Yes, absolutely. I’m still tired of this acceptance of this type of acceptance because it translates into so many of you crying about being miserable the rest of your life. Well no shit you’re miserable if you accept low skill low wage jobs. There’s a point where this push for seeing positivity and acceptance of all things turns into something that is misleading. Young people see the attitude and adopt it. Next thing they’re 33 and still working these jobs and miserable.
Someone who is hardworking and disciplined enough to keep the same shitty job for ten years could easily make a partner happy and get satisfaction from a relationship. Too many people look at what other people have and let it make them feel hopeless when they should be looking at what they have themselves and let it make them feel empowered.
i mean in 10 years you’ve moved up from server to server, maybe focus on that first? you shouldn’t be hanging around in a low level job for any longer than you need to (unless you enjoy it then serve people till your hearts content)
I don’t know if you know this. but no one is promoting people to higher positions. at all. it could take decades to go from server to idk, shift manager? and often, it comes with no pay increase and less opportunities for tips. There is no forward progress labor has faced stagnate wages for decades. Also, the single most accurate metric to find out how you’ll be doing in life, is your parents zip code when you were born. so merit isn’t the thing that gets you moving along in life. in all likelihood the guy with the girlfriend, wife, kid, is making the same money his parents were making.
no one is promoting people to higher positions. at all.
Then your only job outside of serving is to skill up and go find a job elsewhere even if it’s in another category of work
No matter how much you insist we live in a merit based society, we do not. Again. This is still true, the most accurate way to determine your income as an adult is your parents zip code when you’re born. That’s not merit. That stagnation. That’s the reality we live in. Don’t agree with me? Talk to the several successful people who will tell you, they got where they are either because their parents had connections, or they got Lucky and after getting lucky they happened to also be skilled. But the luck is still what got them there. It doesn’t matter how good you are. If you aren’t someone’s friend or cousin, it’s not happening 99% of the time.
Talk to the several successful people
Hello, I earn more than apparently 99% of Lemmy
they got where they are either because their parents had connections
Nope
or they got Lucky
Nope
I made my own luck, by studying damn hard, putting in a shitload of effort and working my way up from dropping out of high school to being in an incredible job.
But thanks for reducing the thousands of hours I put into my job and education to ‘luck’ or ‘has parents’.
I now interview people, if you show up with skills and effort you can make a lot of money very easily but a lot of people don’t even show up with effort.
If you aren’t someone’s friend or cousin, it’s not happening 99% of the time.
You need to step out of the echo chamber or whatever cope cage you’ve built yourself, this is a complete joke and honestly I’m not going to reply to anymore because I can’t tell if you’re trolling or not this is such a stupid opinion.
This is a huge deal. Truly. Male loneliness in particular is a swollen lithium battery ready to be poked. I doubt it will be addressed correctly. I have no idea how to fix it and infinite empathy for anyone, male or female, going through this.
It’s messy AF
Guys are afraid of rejection, but also not great at making themselves more appealing candidates. That whole woman chooses the bear thing is real, even if, in general, we’re not worse than the bear.
From the woman’s standpoint, if they let the guy in and get knocked up, they might end up having to raise the kid and maybe deal with some asshole for 20 years. Statistically, they have more to lose.
It’s even harder when you’re young because you don’t want someone with kids, or issues, or baggage, but then being uncharismatic and mediocre is seriously underrated baggage.
We need male boot camps for loneliness with counselors and coaches. Help people work on their empathy, see what the other side sees and figure out how to work toward improvement to the point where they can find what they’re looking for.
I know he’s a right-wing nut job now but I found Jordan Peterson really helpful in my youth. “Clean up your room”, “dress like the person you went to be”, “happiness is fleeting, and suffering requires constant meaning”.
His old stuff was simple and straight forward, good lessons for a lost young man
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Comparing Jordan Peterson to Hitler… What a retard. 🤦🏻
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He got rapey with his cousin, and created a stockholm syndrome type of situation.
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> Works
> Goes home
> Masturbates
> Sleeps
> Works
Why am I single?
Don’t forget watch Andrew tate and Joe rogan all night.
“Why are women disgusted by me?”
If you’re suggestion is that lonely people are all dickheads… then you, sir, are a cad
Wtf are you talking about?
You can figure it out
Stop trying to revive a week old thread and go outside you absolute muppet .
I’ll do whatever I want you sack of shit
Lol
You are a Computer Aided Design apparently.
Idk what OP is doing wrong, but in my experience bartenders and service workers are always hooking up - with each other, with patrons, at after work social engagements…
The job sort of requires you to be social, to be friendly, to engage with strangers, and to empathize with other people.
That’s not to say the relationships last. Plenty of drama in the service industry, too. Lots of substance abuse. Lots of cheating. Lots of traveling, boom and bust with the economic tides, and risk taking for better or worse.
But the idea that you’re just a bartender for ten years and nothing is happening in your life is crazy.
You are missing one crucial aspect.
90%of greentext is completely fabricated.
If countries’ leaders weren’t dumb as shit they would offer public dating apps that don’t try to exploit people.
These apps work great when the goal is to match people who would get along, capitalism enshittified them.
It’s obviously how most people want to meet, why not offer people a dating site that isn’t shit to fix isolation?
I honestly think countries don’t want to fix their birthrates at all, none of them do anything significant to help them.
I feel like if countries’ leaders weren’t dumb as shit, they’d work to fix healthcare, education, and the economy, as that would have a much larger positive impact than a dating app.
yeah, just fix the world guys
