My dad was number 14. He was once asked for advice by a man who had several children already and wanted more. My dad’s advice?
“Stop.”
My dad went on to explain that this guy was already neglecting his current children and that it was abuse to continue. Because there simply isn’t enough time and resources available.
My oldest sister wanted to do the same. My brother in law got a vasectomy in secret after the 7th. Everything your dad said is exactly true.
Edit: I don’t mean to imply that some women aren’t forced into the position of having more kids than they want. But usually having a lot of kids requires two mentally unwell religious fundamentalists.
Oh you’re totally right that there’s people who willingly do this as well! Thankfully we have more choices when it comes to how many children we want these days.
tell that to any woman in the use asking to be sterilized, crazy the hoops you have to jump through
That’s entirely about finding the right doctor. I’ve known men who were refused a vasectomy because “you’ll want kids later and it isn’t always reversible” and were asked to get a consent form signed by their wife. Both are things that are common “hoops” women go through when trying to get a conservative doctor to do a hysterectomy or tubal ligation.
My wife actually brought me with her to the doctor’s appointment where she asked for her hysterectomy “just in case” and the doctor asked why she brought me with her and I kind of sheepishly answered “moral support.” She had seen every other gyno in the area and had problems with all of them, ranging from ignoring her issues to doing a uterine biopsy using a kevorkian punch (look it up, it’s designed to be inserted, and then essentially a metal claw on the business end gouges out a piece of tissue to sample) with no pain relief of any kind on the grounds that “it’s less painful than childbirth”. Most of them were women (including the one that did the uterine biopsy), the one who did her hysterectomy was one of the only men.
Ya I had an exgf who had a kid with pretty severe ms. The poor little dude barely made his 9th birthday. Apparently she carries the gene, I’m not sure the exact details. But the risk that any other children she had would be afflicted was too high. She had to go to 6 Drs before she found one that would tie her tubes. Absolutely ridiculous
Yeah it’s still an issue now, but there are more options than back then.
It’s very hard to hide birth control and it can be tampered with easily. I’ve heard of men microwaving their partner’s birth control pills, poking holes in condoms, even forcing their partner to remove IUDs.
Maybe it’s just cuz I’ve got a neurospicy bean who is AuDHD and PDA af, but I do not understand how people can have more than a couple kids. Hell, my wife is the oldest of 5 and it’s crazy how much abuse I now see they all endured (both neglect and actual SA abuse of the youngest ones that wasn’t brought to light until a few years ago).
No, some people get a thrill out of the power of making more people, of having a huge family, even if they don’t take good care of them.
I personally don’t get it. But I have a friend who is a really incompetent person - when we hang out, we have to make extra sure she doesn’t do dangerous things like she is a child. She is a sweet person, but very oblivious in a way that is hard to put a pin on. She is married, and her husband takes care of her and has always seemed to kind of like the responsibility. To each their own. But they now have 2 kids and he is completely overwhelmed. But she wants more and keeps talking about trying to talk him into it or ‘oops’ getting pregnant again in a few years. We all yell at her when she says stuff like that.
It is the perfect flip-flop of the usual gender roles - where Dad has all the responsibility and doesn’t want more, and Mom just sees it as some kind of power trip about her self image and is oblivious or just doesn’t care that it would break her partner.
Right? I’ve got one kid and I’ve got my hands full! I can’t imagine having more kids than I wanted because of lack of access to contraception. Sounds like a nightmare.
You see, it’s simple – once you’ve been going for 5 or 6 years, you make the older children take care of the younger ones. Parentification is fun and saves you lots of work!
The folks who have large numbers of kids typically start handing off childcare duties to the older ones as soon as they’re physically capable of doing those tasks. Especially the girls - usually these sorts of families don’t want boys doing child care unless there are no girls, but the boys start getting used for labor around the same age.
Yeah, I grew up catholic and that’s how the big families I knew were. You had kids who were largely raised by their big sisters raising the younger siblings… And no, they weren’t ok, they ranged from mad about it to excited to be the mom in such a dynamic
Lol they aren’t inbred. My grandmother had 16 children so my eldest aunts were old enough to have their own babies while my grandmother was continuing to get pregnant herself.
I’m sorry you were forced to be in that position.
My dad was number 14. He was once asked for advice by a man who had several children already and wanted more. My dad’s advice?
“Stop.”
My dad went on to explain that this guy was already neglecting his current children and that it was abuse to continue. Because there simply isn’t enough time and resources available.
My oldest sister wanted to do the same. My brother in law got a vasectomy in secret after the 7th. Everything your dad said is exactly true.
Edit: I don’t mean to imply that some women aren’t forced into the position of having more kids than they want. But usually having a lot of kids requires two mentally unwell religious fundamentalists.
Oh you’re totally right that there’s people who willingly do this as well! Thankfully we have more choices when it comes to how many children we want these days.
tell that to any woman in the use asking to be sterilized, crazy the hoops you have to jump through, our outlook is so ass backwards
and I imagine in a controlling relationship, birth control would be hard to hide
That’s entirely about finding the right doctor. I’ve known men who were refused a vasectomy because “you’ll want kids later and it isn’t always reversible” and were asked to get a consent form signed by their wife. Both are things that are common “hoops” women go through when trying to get a conservative doctor to do a hysterectomy or tubal ligation.
My wife actually brought me with her to the doctor’s appointment where she asked for her hysterectomy “just in case” and the doctor asked why she brought me with her and I kind of sheepishly answered “moral support.” She had seen every other gyno in the area and had problems with all of them, ranging from ignoring her issues to doing a uterine biopsy using a kevorkian punch (look it up, it’s designed to be inserted, and then essentially a metal claw on the business end gouges out a piece of tissue to sample) with no pain relief of any kind on the grounds that “it’s less painful than childbirth”. Most of them were women (including the one that did the uterine biopsy), the one who did her hysterectomy was one of the only men.
Ya I had an exgf who had a kid with pretty severe ms. The poor little dude barely made his 9th birthday. Apparently she carries the gene, I’m not sure the exact details. But the risk that any other children she had would be afflicted was too high. She had to go to 6 Drs before she found one that would tie her tubes. Absolutely ridiculous
yep pretty much this
It is fucked how much easier it is to get a vasectomy than a tubal litigation.
yep the doc wanted my permission for her op like wtf
Yeah it’s still an issue now, but there are more options than back then.
It’s very hard to hide birth control and it can be tampered with easily. I’ve heard of men microwaving their partner’s birth control pills, poking holes in condoms, even forcing their partner to remove IUDs.
:( that’s crazy
Maybe it’s just cuz I’ve got a neurospicy bean who is AuDHD and PDA af, but I do not understand how people can have more than a couple kids. Hell, my wife is the oldest of 5 and it’s crazy how much abuse I now see they all endured (both neglect and actual SA abuse of the youngest ones that wasn’t brought to light until a few years ago).
often it’s just the lack of contraception and/or appropriate education.
No, some people get a thrill out of the power of making more people, of having a huge family, even if they don’t take good care of them.
I personally don’t get it. But I have a friend who is a really incompetent person - when we hang out, we have to make extra sure she doesn’t do dangerous things like she is a child. She is a sweet person, but very oblivious in a way that is hard to put a pin on. She is married, and her husband takes care of her and has always seemed to kind of like the responsibility. To each their own. But they now have 2 kids and he is completely overwhelmed. But she wants more and keeps talking about trying to talk him into it or ‘oops’ getting pregnant again in a few years. We all yell at her when she says stuff like that.
It is the perfect flip-flop of the usual gender roles - where Dad has all the responsibility and doesn’t want more, and Mom just sees it as some kind of power trip about her self image and is oblivious or just doesn’t care that it would break her partner.
Right? I’ve got one kid and I’ve got my hands full! I can’t imagine having more kids than I wanted because of lack of access to contraception. Sounds like a nightmare.
You see, it’s simple – once you’ve been going for 5 or 6 years, you make the older children take care of the younger ones. Parentification is fun and saves you lots of work!
The folks who have large numbers of kids typically start handing off childcare duties to the older ones as soon as they’re physically capable of doing those tasks. Especially the girls - usually these sorts of families don’t want boys doing child care unless there are no girls, but the boys start getting used for labor around the same age.
Yeah, I grew up catholic and that’s how the big families I knew were. You had kids who were largely raised by their big sisters raising the younger siblings… And no, they weren’t ok, they ranged from mad about it to excited to be the mom in such a dynamic
My eldest aunts ended up being pregnant the same time my grandmother was often.
There’s a lot of resentment and grudges in my family tree.
Sounds like there might be more grudges than branches.
Lol they aren’t inbred. My grandmother had 16 children so my eldest aunts were old enough to have their own babies while my grandmother was continuing to get pregnant herself.
Bro I’ve got my hands full with two cats.
My mother wanted two, got two at once, went “DONE NOW” and it was for the best.