i’m fine with yap. and i get you.

i got it without a diagnosis or a test by just talking it out with a local doctor who prescribed some stuff “just to see if it would help” and it did. it’s not perfect, i still get episodes, but i can get out of them myself now. i was worried that i would… lose myself, but what actually went away was some of the time that i just spend dissociating or procrastinating. i got more of me. but it makes sense that hrt would have a similar effect, as the stuff i got is also hormonal.

hugboxes are good sometimes because it makes you realise that just because you can doesn’t mean you have to. while it’s true that nobody but you controls your brain chemicals, being told that while full of bad brain chemicals is how you get a spiral going. and that’s when a hugbox comes in handy.

i have been actively working on not being my own worst critic for years at this point. i used to beat myself up over every little mistake, punish myself when i failed at tasks, and go into hiding when people disagreed with me online. being an overachiever with bad motor skills and bad braining skills is a shitshow. so i went into some sort of half-burnout coasting phase. and i used that to think to myself what the point was when the only one who cares is me. it took a long time to get out of that mindset and there are still remnants of it (no real sense of self, defining yourself by what you don’t like…) but i’ve made progress.

that’s why it’s so annoying that the lying thing works. if you’re stuck in a well and people are lowering a bucket, thinking “that bucket isn’t for me, it’s for fetching water”, then you’re going to continue being stuck. but if you think “maybe it is for me”, then you eventually get out.

…that’s the dumbest metaphor i’ve ever written, i think.