Sometimes it’s not because of trauma or being raised by narcissists. Sometimes it’s because you’re neurodivergent and asking for/accepting help lands you in a minefield of social rules, obligations, AND SMALL TALK that require a lot of excess work, time, and goddamn mental energy to navigate when all you wanted to do was move a stupid couch and go back to your day.
OR you could spend five quiet minutes to do it alone with a clever work around that involves none of that garbage.
If you were raised by narcissistic you wont ask for help either. Help always came with pain. Mostly emotional.
Do you need help?
No I don’t want to owe you anything later.
No thats not it. The help you get is minimal and often not what you need. During and for sometime after the “help” you are hit with a constant barrage of statements meant to make you feel inadequate. Although they make sure to bring it up in front of others to prove that they are such good and generous people.
because a lot of us have learned that, while we have to be there for everyone and everything, no one will ever be there for us no matter what.
So we endure and improvise.
Sometime in my late 20s early 30s, I was told hyper independence is a sign of trauma. I’ve been working to trust people more, but it’s tough.
I was told hyper independence is a sign of trauma
Oh, I know.
This is exactly how I feel.
Have I done it? Yes. Do I regret it? Also yes. Did I once decline my very fit neighbors offer to help move a large item because my brain said “don’t bother them they are so nice”….unfortunately. I am getting older and stating to come around to the idea of accepting assistance, so I paid someone to move some of my heavy furniture this time.
I’m trying to work on it lol.
She’s all wrong.
Flip that couch and place it in the middle on top of the office chair, no need to lift anything as long as she can keep it balanced.
I would absolutely stop and help which is why I never ask for help, because even though I would stop to help I don’t want to.
JD Vance: doesn’t ask.
Maybe she just wanted to know if it’s possible
If she was actually a scientist, someone would be walking next to her, taking notes.
Or she was just challenging herself
Once I had a new washing machine delivered to me, except the delivery was to the curb. I lived under a roof in an old building with high ceilings, at what counted as 6th floor. And a teeny tiny elevator going up to 4th.
So I dragged it in the elevator, and then 4 flights of stairs. All alone, and even rejecting a neighbor’s offer of help.
Don’t want to inconvenience anyone
Many people would feel good about helping out. Keep that in mind. I try to think about it when offered help. Else I was always saying no, and it turns out it may also be a trauma response. My braing being used to doing things myself, not wanting to feel dependant, or -as it was said- bothering others (I am a people pleaser)
I don’t want to be inconvenienced.
absolute fact
What are you talking about? She’s got this.
Not only does she got this, she’s being extra efficient by moving two pieces of furniture at once!
It’s not even about efficiency. I suspect that this is easier on her back, because she doesn’t have to keep pace with someone who doesn’t coordinate with her and who makes sudden, unexpected moves that cause her to wrench her back. As someone who has lifted a lot of heavy things in his life, I always find it easier and less painful to move something on my own whenever possible.
“And always remember: Efficiency first!”
You often save time by doing it your self. Mayby not on the one specific task, but in the long run. Because if you ask for, or accept an offer for help, it’s expected to return the favor at some point. So the time saved on one task, now has to be used at some other time on some unkown task (that might take even more time than you saved in the first place).
Also take into account, that it often involves socializing around the event, which is now doubled.
And as an introvert, I value my alone time like others value money. I constantly evaluate how to use less on things I don’t want or need.
ah, but you have to account for the opportunity cost of socialization that you do want.
the event itself now becomes socializing, as you said, which means you don’t have to go socialize on another separate occasion. and because this is a defined task, you can say “well we’re done here” and cut it off.
I’m an introvert, but I still like to spend time with friends in limited amounts. I would much rather somebody help me with a task for an hour or two than go hang around with no defined task for a couple hours. I like having something to do
Apart from the socializing time, the time to help the helper doesn’t accumulate as time spent on your end because the helper will help again speeding up another task of yours. In the long run the time saved from receiving help and the time spent from helping would balance out. The socializing time is lost and accumulates. With that said, there are tasks that are impossible or take significantly more than double when done alone compared to when done with a helper. That could very well make up for the lost socializing time. Now add specialization where you help in tasks that you’re good at and the helper does the same for you and those tasks end up done way faster than without help. And that’s why we invented division of labour, which allowed us to turn nature into useful stuff much faster than before. 😄
I don’t ask for help enough. Replaced a toilet yesterday and my back is complaining today.
I’m not afraid of asking for help when I’m not capable of doing it myself. But usually I would rather pay some professional to do it. That way I can complain if it’s not done correctly. That’s a bit harder if you had a friend do it for free.
If I think I just lack a bit of knowledge to do it myself, I do a bit of research and jump right into it. That way I learn new skills and become even more independent.
I once rented a truck and hauled my queen-size mattress and box-spring an hour away by myself so I didn’t have to talk to anyone
Haha, good one. I once managed to replace my refrigerator by myself. Carrying both the old and new one up and down five steps of stairs and across 15 meters (50 ft) of courtyard.
Now that’s dedication.
Although my back doesn’t like the sound of it
It wasn’t that bad actually. The new one was delivered safely secured in a cardbord box, so I could just corner walk it across the courtyard. Then tilt it towards the stairs and push it up. And for the old one, I flattened the box from the new one, and used it as a slider to get it down the stairs and then corner walked it as well across the courtyard where is was picked up for disposal.
And that’s why I always say “Work smarter, not with others”.
Often because doing what the image represents is easier than asking an extrovert and handling all the shit that comes with that.
