Guess what? People go to bathrooms to use the toilet, fix their makeup, fix their hair or just be alone. Normal human things like that, not to cause anyone any trouble…
You always need a few women at the bar that understand the importance of being the mom, and once I left my “drunken shitshow” stage that I was in early in transition I started leaning into the bar mom role when it’s needed. Someone’s gotta keep an eye on the wasted girl’s drink. Someone’s gotta offer a hand. And sometimes someone’s gotta distract the way too drunk girl while someone else pours out her drink because she probably shouldn’t have been served that one. Someone’s gotta listen to the girl going through some shit, because the booze won’t help, but community can (though be aware some of these people have way too big of issues and will try to latch on in a destructive way, learn to establish and maintain boundaries).
I don’t do it that often, because the gay bars I go to don’t need it that much, but I take pride in the fact that I do it. And baby trans folks especially need someone like that.
Oh this is so sweet! Thanks for being the bar mom when you can <3
Thanks, it’s a role I naturally fell into over the years, lol
And for anyone who may need a bar mom, especially if you’ve found yourself too drunk, unable to get someone to stop hitting on you, or just in over your head in some way you can come ask for help. If you’re in a position to be choosy you’re looking for someone who:
- seems confident - though a baseline awkwardness is fine, but you want someone comfortable in the environment
- ideally is talking to people - higher odds someone knows how to help, also more hands, but also this means she’s being social, which indicates community focus
- ideally isn’t too drunk - the wasted helping each other into cabs is adorable, but higher risk, and if you’re taking transit home…
- ideally is late 20s or older - we’ve got experience and have often been there done that
- isn’t currently hitting on someone - me and a woman I was hitting on have teamed up to help a drunk girl before, but flirtatious tunnel vision is real, and also you don’t want to accidentally hand yourself up to someone who might have less than wholesome intentions
- If you’re transfem look for someone who might be transfem and well into her transition, or a group with some of us there
If you aren’t able to judge by those things, just reach out to someone. I’ll also add to not be scared away by someone looking scary/tough/alt. Mom aesthetics are real and awesome, but don’t be afraid to ask for help from the 30 something punk, the chick wearing leather to a gay bar, the elder goth, or whoever else, a lot of us have been the irresponsible drunk girl. A lot of us want everyone to get home safe.
Also if people keep asking if you’re ok, sip on a water for a bit or make your next beer/cocktail NA/virgin, it’ll make people less worried and it’ll probably make you less awful in the morning.
Well that got away from me, but yeah, other drug use communities have lots of stuff like this for safer drug use and I think it’s important we also have such conversations for bars and alcohol.
Do you know whom I want to share the bathroom win? Nobody! Because I want to poop in peace and solitude! 😭
Besides that, I’d rather have all the trans people in the world there than one single hypocrite pedo enabler “christian”.
I have seen an uptick in single-person bathrooms recently. Most places could def fit 4 small bathrooms in place of two large ones and only really have issues at truly high usage times.
Who the fuck poops alone?! I can’t do shit without somebody watching.
I mean, there’s always MS teams…
I’m not into inteamsmacy.
Now, I always figured a SeductiveTortoise would be more open-minded.
There are borders for even the most open minded species they do not want to cross.
MicroSlop products for example.
Yeah exactly. Who will make sure I wiped thoroughly enough?
How does one even know if they’re sharing a bathroom with a trans person? This looks like a toupee fallacy.
Are you talking about now or the 90s? If it’s the later: the 90s was a very different experience for anyone LGBTQ, especially trans people.
People started transitioning much later in life and the medical/social resources (if one could even find them) were primitive compared to what we have today. “Passing” was much, much harder to achieve.
Add in being part of an extremely marginalized group with no anti-discrimination protections: good luck finding employment that pays enough for quality care – insurance won’t cover it. Even then all there was is word-of-mouth to find these resources.
I’m not in public bathrooms or at parties all that often cuz I’m a nerdy homebody. But I’m the transwoman who has pads in my purse that I don’t need just in case someone else does. With pain relieving medication, of course.
I keep a heating pad with me in the trunk of my car in case someone at work needs it. Got to save someone’s day about three times with it!
Extra hair ties and scrunchies, safety pins, gum, and so much more in my purse at all times.
Now I keep a few sewing supplies in my purse just in case someone tears a hole in their clothes. Learned how to sew during COVID19
Ladies I fucking got you, because I know you got me. Have cried in a few bathrooms and been comforted. So many compliments on my hair. When I’m doing makeup nobody stares or makes me feel embarrassed. We’re sisters no matter where we are.
You’re an angel
We’re sisters no matter where we are.
<3 <3 <3
Bless you sister 🩷
The cis women in the 80s that were afraid of trans women and drag queens may have been victims of abuse of cis men, and those homophobic and misogynistic cis men pushing fear and hate as propaganda.
Or like the transphobia not differentiating creepy ass pervy rapist cis men from trans women, putting us in the same category.
Like when people blame all animals for either past trauma or all dogs that even look remotely like the breed of the dog from your trauma.
Like I seriously question if there was EVER a justified fear of non-passing trans women in women’s restrooms. Because at this point, it seems like it was cis men the whole time and all of this has ALWAYS been unjustified scapegoating by fearmongering us.
Which then begs the question of why cis people aren’t also blaming cis men,along with cis women? Gender segregation is not a solution for sexual abuse. In fact, there is overwhelming amounts of evidence that it’s explicitly counterproductive and causatively results in abuse and bigotry.
Only predators go around thinking about attacking someone in a restroom. They’re self reporting, and we need to publicly call them out for it.
I wanted to comment something like this, yeah. They might not be the specific ones, but it is prevalent in their community so they they think it is that common everywhere. So projection is going on there for sure. Also, now that the potty police have arrived, I certainly feel less safe with random self-deputized cis dudes thinking they can barge in and start fights with random women.
Pretty much. The people that cooked up that attack literally think “If I had unrestricted access to the ladies room, this is what I’d be doing” and therefore that’s what everyone else must think too. These people can’t fathom anyone thinking differently than they do.
It’s why their main attack before the Epstein files started coming out was “Are you sure you want them to come out Librul? It’s probably mostly your faves in them!” and they couldn’t deal with the answer being “Why would I care about that?” because to the people at the top it was only ever something to attach Democrats with, they didn’t actually want them out. So obviously “The Left” thought the same right?
They don’t understand that other people have different thoughts than they do genuinely.
exactly. there’s much worse people to worry about sharing rest rooms with than trans women.
No joke, I’ve felt more safe in a room full of trans people than around 1-2 conservatives.
I hate how those fuckers see me as one of them and don’t hesitate to share in their bigotry just because I look like I’m one of “them”.
everything the fascists say is self report, and they tell us how to stop them too. they must be exterminated.
Okay, I hate the republicans too, and by coincidence, a lot of them are sexual predators, but this is some stupid logic.
“Only thieves think about mugging someone in an alley. If you meet someone who’s afraid to go out at night, report them!”
Muggers and victims actually, but assaults in women’s spaces are far more rare than assaults on the street (which are, in turn far more rare than traffic collisions.)
But xenophobic movements commonly assert their target undesirables engage in SA, and attack kids. Rapists and murderers. The old canard that gay men sexuality assault children more than the general population is still with us in spaces where white supremacist rhetoric is tolerated.
Although, social environments that seek to preserve hierarchy and encourage obedience present a fecund field for predatory behavior, since administrators will pressure victims to stay silent to preserve the reputation of the institution. Statistics are harder to find than those of muggings, but we have a long history of religious ministers and youth pastors in the news.
If our LGBT+ advocates have their way, the world will be safer for everyone.
If white supremacists have their way, upper strata will be able to prey on lower strata with impunity, and contrived desperation will keep the victims quiet.
Of course. Absolutely. Everything you just said, 100%.
All of that is true and needs addressing yesterday. None of it implies the people who say “<hate target du jour> are rapists and murderers” are rapists and murderers themselves. Those are serious accusations, and as much as I despise conservatives, I don’t like throwing them around without even a single woman’s accusation’s worth of evidence.
Republicans who have been so accused should be prohibited from campaigning until their court dates, and then thrown in maximum security for a very, very long time. But Republicans whose only crime is hate speech… well, they still deserve jail time, but not rape accusations.
You know full well my comment wasn’t meant as literally as you’re taking it.
The average person isn’t worried about these stupid thoughts in their daily lives, other than those falling for the fear mongering propaganda. Just like the average person isn’t scared about being mugged every time they go outside.
The people that constantly think and talk about the LGBTQ+ community being predators however do so because they’re projecting their own thoughts, that they know are bad, onto a group they can then marginalize and blame.
Okay, first of all,
the average person isn’t scared about being mugged every time they go outside
the women I talk to online (men too if I’m honest) sure had me fooled, and second of all, is it that people who talk about LGBTQ+ people being predators/groomers (perhaps because they saw a trans person and were reminded of what Fox and Friends told them) can only be doing so because they themselves are rapists/pedophiles, or was my comment suggesting that that line of reasoning was flawed a ridiculous misrepresentation of what you said?
Again, I hold no love for these people. They hold a disgusting disregard for human rights and need to pull their heads out of their asses immediately. But I’m also going to stop short of calling them rapists based solely on the fact that they’re (baselessly) scared of getting raped. (We should call them rapists because women have accused them as such.)
See the Republicans don’t want you to get home safe when you are drunk
My dad used to call it ‘talking to god on the big white telephone’
I used to know it as ‘praying at the porcelain altar’
It’s bizarre to think that in some ways, discrimination and prejudice have been getting worse in our society
Discriminiation has dramatically gone down for many decades. In the 80s, LGBTQ+ people simply didn’t exist in public discourse. If one of them got beat up or even killed for simply existing, it was like it happened on the other side of the world. Things like same-sex marriage weren’t just not possible, it wasn’t even talked about. Calling someone “gay” was a popular insult.
The reason it feels like things are getting worse is because LGBTQ+ people exist now, nobody can ignore that anymore, and everyone has to deal with that. I think most pepole (by far) don’t even care, but a small minority has no idea how to deal with that. And because they are so loud it feels like things are getting worse. But they really aren’t.
That’s why I said “in some ways”. Progress isn’t linear, neither a guarantee.
Calling people “gay” as an insult was popular in schools until at least 2010
Xenophobia drives social movements that enforce hierarchy. And rich people afraid of being less rich will bankroll and support these movements since they’re at the top stratum.
But then pluralistic social movements value equality, law based on principle (rather than loyalty and tribute) and this promotes commerce and culture.
So we have social forces that tug society in their respective directions.
Eventually plutocrats will develop technology that allows then to control and contain the masses, and prevent popular movements from taking hold.
Or, eventually we’ll make the plutocratic class impossible, and keep tight reign on the political class to keep them from seizing too much power (or using it for narrow interests). One or the other.
It ebbs and flows, mainly with society’s tolerance for allowing bad men to exist as role models (or abandon their families), which of course has its own causes, but mainly stems from a stigma against emotional wellbeing in men.
and we keep getting gentrified 😭
True, but we deserve the same opportunity to be middle class and boring as everyone else
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