For me, I noticed that a lot of my general negative feelings became more specific, like finally being able to put a name to it let me realize what was at the root of those feelings. Unfortunately, being aware of it more specifically also made the dysphoria worse. Curious about others’ experiences though
I wouldn’t say my dysphoria got worse, i just became more aware of it.
I think that’s a better way of phrasing what I was trying to say
Disclaimer: Somewhat rambly wall of text ahead
My egg cracked first at 12 and I let it fester for 14 years until the choice was transition or die (pretty sure apathy strong enough that you’re not eating for days on end is probably lethal long term).
After a few years I managed to bury that I was trans, hid it from myself just well enough I honestly forgot that’s where the anguish was coming from. It manifested as impostor syndrome, and a mask a mile thick.
I stopped wanting children when I realized I couldn’t be a mother to them. Started smoking cigars, drinking bourbon, to put on this aire of pained masculinity, my reference for what sad men do. Fought with my ex-wife a lot, realized after the divorce I was really controlling to her, probably because I didn’t have any control over my own life.
Its been 4 years since I came out, 3 since I began my transition. Nowadays, when I feel bad about myself, its about something I did or someone I hurt in the past, rather than a self-loathing that comes from nowhere I understood. Hatching (but not yet coming out) 5 years ago, helped me realize where my body issues were coming from. I didn’t care that I had belly-fat, I cared that it was manly fat. I didn’t care that I had body hair, I cared that it was curly and thick on my chest. I didn’t care about my giant neckbones, I cared that they were so broad they made me look like a linebacker.
I overcorrected.
All Pink all the time! This doesn’t feel right either but at least I’m cute?
Goth Girl summer? Nah that’s not it either.
Turns out my model of femininity was my mother (who’d have thought😅) and I feel most at home in sweats and a cami, no makeup, with a ratsnest on top of my head.
I’m not often depressed anymore. I don’t often experience dysphoria anymore either. When I do its usually because I’m focusing on something some transphobe said early in my transition.
I’m lucky to be in a very trans friendly area, so its been nice for me to be able to care less. Passing culture is toxic as hell, but before I moved here I was constantly putting in bonkers effort to be cis-passing. Nowadays I don’t care, I just wanna be seen as a girl, I couldn’t give two shits if I get clocked as trans.
Edit: fixed year estimate because I’m bad at kwikmaffs
Yes, this. I didn’t really suffer dysphoria until realising I was trans. What I noticed was that I didn’t fit socially with men, and because I belonged to that group, I felt alienated from women, esp as I for older (I’m 50), but historically women have always been my close friends. But since realising that some people are trans and that seems to include me, then I’ve realised how transition steps made me feel good. But then also came the Oh shit, I don’t look like a woman, this is awful.
I’m still struggling to accept it.
The time between between being certain I was trans, and starting HRT was by far the worst.
Ignorance is genuinely bliss, but HRT is better!
I hatched a couple of months ago and have mostly become extremely impatient and irritable. Mostly because I haven’t had the opportunity to start hrt yet.
Oh it got so much worse quite rapidly. I could pinpoint what hurt and it sucked until I resolved it.
Oh, this is an excellent question.
Yeah, everything that had been general background malaise became a lot more specific once I knew I was trans. It became a lot easier to pinpoint “I don’t like this about myself”. Which sucks, because I felt bad, but was also good because I could do something about it. Mostly that was “wait for HRT to sort it out”. And, mostly, HRT has fixed it. Or just time in general, like growing my hair out or losing weight.
The other thing I noticed is I tend to have a single thing that really bothers me, and everything else is a lot less of a bother. Once that’s dealt with, the next most important thing becomes apparent, and so on. At first I didn’t know whether I wanted bottom surgery, because I was so upset just looking male in general. But once my face softened up and my hair started to grow out, it suddenly became very obvious to me that surgery would be necessary.
The absolute worst thing when I was just starting out was my face looking like a man. I tried makeup, and that just made me look like a man in makeup. But, slowly, it started working: a bit of mascara made me feel better. Then foundation started smoothing out my face, rather than highlighting the masculine features. Eye shadow and lipstick started looking good.
Time-wise, I think the absolute worst period for me was about three months in. Six months, I started to see the effects of HRT. Nine months, I started passing as a woman. Twelve months, I could see it for myself.
