I had a bunch of baggage that made screening for kink both necessary and difficult for me while dating. Shortly before I met my husband, I thought about what makes someone a good dm or a good dom for me, and the Venn diagram was basically a circle. Then I thought about all the dms I know and what I know about their sexual tastes, and I started using dm as a green flag to investigate further.

Of course, my husband just put a quick, dry note in his profile, double checked near the end of the first date that I knew what it meant and was interested, and then we didn’t address it again until we had been on several dates and were more invested.

That’s better than my janky avoidant system, but my system works better than anything I’ve tried other than direct communication. But if you aren’t in a place where you can communicate directly with potential partners, you probably shouldn’t be trying to start anything(1). If you’re going to anyway, look for a partner who’s the right level of assertive for you, but it will come up as something problematic if you’re trying to enter a longer term relationship.

(1) In my case, it’s just that I had difficulty speaking plainly about my wants and needs before having sex with someone. I never had too much of an issue afterwards, but I also catch feelings after having sex with someone, so I need to get it out of the way first, because closed ltrs with incompatible partners suck.