I think it’s about that weird thing people (not women) do that makes them attracted to strangers but not friends. I find it mentioned everywhere, both online and offline.
I think that’s what anon is experiencing too.
I really don’t understand why people just lose all attraction as soon as mysteriousness is no longer a factor. And I’ve seen it happen with my own damn eyes, to me AND others.
I don’t get it.
It’s as if as soon as I become readily available to anyone, I suddenly become much more worthless and disposable too… Suddenly every other aspect of theif life takes priority and I’m number last. I guess because other things are only available conditionally whereas I’m pretty much always available? Idk.
Also if I’m not interested in someone, that someone always wants to interact. It’s as if life constantly works to spite me.
Getting to know people better can change your feelings about them… sometimes it makes them more attractive and sometimes less. I don’t know if anyone has found me less attractive after getting to know me but I’ve certainly had that happen with girls I’ve been attracted to.
If it’s a common experience for you it’s probably worth exploring whether or not it’s a you problem, and if so if it’s something you can and should correct. There’s no shortage of crappy, shallow people so maybe not but being introspective and honest with yourself is always good for you.
I usually need to get to know someone before they are attractive. I describe it as me being greedy, i want the full package not just one that looks nice.
I don’t think that’s greedy, I think that’s pretty normal.
I need to see how a person interacts in conversation to be attracted to them, as i am far more attracted to mannerisms and values than looks. A cute face is great, I couldn’t care much about body as long as a person is relatively healthy (this is a very broad range for me).
they lose attraction because they were never attracted to the person. they are attracted to the fantasy of the person.
and once you become too ‘real’ you destroy the fantasy and they have no more interest.
Why do you think romance books are SO HOT right now? because they are pure fantasy and lots of ladies want nothing but a fantasy romance and they are addicted to daydreaming, and they compare the real world romance to and it and angry it doesn’t ‘live up’ to the storybooks they read.
it’s like if a a guy was very angry and mad that he didn’t have superpowers after watching a bunch of Marvel movies or comic books… it’s absurd… people would mock and laugh at him.
but you if you tell women that they will just claim you are a misogynist and you are defending men for ‘failing’ by not being minotaur billionaires that they feel they ‘deserve’.
Why do you think romance books are SO HOT right now? because they are pure fantasy and lots of ladies want nothing but a fantasy romance and they are addicted to daydreaming, and they compare the real world romance to and it and angry it doesn’t ‘live up’ to the storybooks they read.
The irony is that a bunch of boys got into incel culture because a lot of the media they consumed had women as a prize or “side effect” of being the hero or a “good guy”, but got blindsided by real life not giving them any.
I don’t think that’s ironic, it just happens to both all genders because it’s a “people” thing, not a gender thing.
People will say “men do this” or “women do this” depending on context, but really a lot of that could go either way.
It’s seen as misogynistic when people talk about women doing it, but when they talk about men doing that just seems all very well.
Why can’t we just say humans are flawed beings and leave it at that? There’s a lot of ways the media influences our perceptions, and not all of them good. Especially when it comes to gender dynamics.
I mean, just watch any rom-com from before 2010. Half of the stuff you see in them would be a Title IX violation on any college campus these days.
Also in my experience, a lot of women don’t like to openly express consent in spoken communication. If im in a situation where i think we should kiss, ill ask the first time and they’ll often say yes, and later confess to me that asking kinda killed the mood for them. Like sorry but consent is important and I’m not one to bank on my autisitc ass misreading subtle body language.
Yeah that’s something I think women are slowly learning how to rewire their brains around because, just like how popular culture shaped how men approached women, the same popular culture (and internalized misogyny) taught women that asking for consent is not sexy.
This appears to be changing from what I’ve read in various comments on audio porn geared towards women and also just from conversation with other women. I totally used to think asking for consent “ruined the mood”, and now with more knowledge I think there are many ways to ask for consent in a sexy way.
My favourite is to play a slight d/s game and make someone tell me what they want using their words (i also like it used on me). It’s a bit of a tease but people like it. And you get enthusiastic consent (I consider begging to be pretty enthusiastic).
I think these women who are saying it ruined the mood have some shit to work through, because you should be encouraged to ask for consent.
yep. same experience, it’s very much a ‘don’t do as I say’ type of thing.
I see a lot of people online talking about this mythical woman who asks for consent, swaps std tests, uses condoms religiously, and and finds it ‘sexy’ but I have never ever encountered such a person in real life. Also this supposedly ‘emotionally mature woman who clearly communicates what she wants from a man’… again never met such a woman.
Who I do meet, is women who hate consent, hate condoms, and if you asked them for an std test they’d tell you to fuck yourself. And then I see them go on social media and post about this stuff like it’s gospel. Like I remember once I had a girl insist we not use condoms, then the next morning I woke up she was on her phone posting on twitter talking how men who don’t use condoms are all trashy and abusive… she was projecting her own trash shitty sexual habits.
It’s almost as if what people say they want and what they actually do in real life is completely different.
I notice the same thing with ‘emotional intelligence’ trend going on lately. Everyone claims they are high EQ and demand a high EQ partner… and these are the same folks who throw a passive aggressive temper tantrums at you if you don’t reach for the check fast enough at the end of the date. It’s so insane who hypocritical it all is at the end of the day.
And the trippiest by far, since I am a straightforward and honest person, is getting told that being honest and straightforward is ‘manipulative’ or it’s a ‘strategy’ or something, because the concept of that is completely non-existent to them. They basically can’t ever be honest, so they think nobody else ever could be and I’ve had people straight up accusing me of lying when I’m telling the truth about like my intentions and desires in dating… like i say ‘i want kids’ and they hear ‘i am trying to manipulate you’. I also meet many women who are so weird about the kids thing, like they just incessantly lie about it because they feel like not wanting kids makes them ‘look bad’ so they lie and say they want them… it’s so fucking stupid and miserable.
people will just make up endless crazy bullshit rather than be straightforward and honest. but being honest with other folks means you have to be honest with yourself about who you really are… and that’s never going to happen for the vast majority of folks.
I’m worried about the std thing myself. I keep going over in my head how to pitch it to my next partner. I went raw in my last partner and i know she got around. If she offered raw to me, she likely did it for others as well. Im probably gonna get a test done soon and be willing to get one again if they don’t believe i haven’t had other partners since that test.
Its not even about blame its just about informed consent. Like a bad result isn’t necessarily a dealbreaker for me. I know i would feel terrible if i spread something. I think for most its an ignorance is bliss thing, if they don’t know they can ignore it and not take responsibility.
std stuff is not as black and white as folks thinks. you can have sex with an infected person and not get infected, and condoms aren’t perfect. etc.
it’s really just a matter of luck. but in my own case, oftentimes it was ‘have sex with no condom, or don’t have sex’ and she was the one demanding it so I just went along with it. a couple of times, I did very much regret it, and got myself tested and didn’t sleep with other people until I was clean. But I can only control myself. i can’t control how other people behave.
I’ve also dated a few people I insisted on using condoms with or not sleeping with them, because I was very confident they had an STD, given their self-reported behavior and drug use.
Informed consent is great… but you are not going to get it in most cases. you will just get testimony of the person and you have to use your own judgement. I’ve never seen anyone else’s STD test in my entire life, and I’ve never had a date ask me for mine. And the couple of times I brought up the topic it was violently shouted down or otherwise basically told it was a forbidden topic to ever bring up.
But online when I talk about this I get people lecturing me and flipping out at me and trying to get my comments removed as ‘hate’ because I don’t espouse this ideal scenario where we are swapping STD tests we just took two days ago and properly using condoms and dental dams and everything is this perfectly safe version of sex. I am confident that’ is just weirdos lying so they feel socially superior about it.
IN fact a couple of folks who used to preach about safe sex endlessly on what subreddit I was on… were eventually outed from the community because they had date raped other folks in the community… which tracks for me. They were preaching and preaching about consent and safe sex and in real life they were rapists. Just like all the weirdos who went on about how cheaters were scum and they’d never… were cheaters. etc.
I’m too old and lonely to play that shit. If talking about safe sex is gonna be rejected like that I’m just gonna leave them. I’ll give em a chance to come around and maybe we can link up again in the future but if we can’t have that conversation, well i guess we won’t be having unprotected sex. Or more likely any sex at all.
Just gonna say you have now encountered one. When I was single I was very big on consent, getting tested, and using condoms. Was very sexually active in my late teens (still am but LT relationship) and I never had an STI scare.
I think you should keep asking for consent/still tests and using condoms because women are also rewiring their brains to forget a lot of toxic shit just like you are. They’ll get there eventually. Women like me are out there, I think maybe less terminally online though.
Anytime somebody’s talking about someone with a high or low social value my brain fuckin turns off lmao it’s so dumb. Connection is what we should be seeking. Social media, and by extension online dating, has poisoned a lot of people’s brains.
My advice, don’t listen to these people and hold strong in your values and you will eventually sift through the shit and find somebody you have a connection with who finds it refreshing that youre honest or swap tests or ask for consent.
I don’t really think it’s that simple.
I think it’s about that weird thing people (not women) do that makes them attracted to strangers but not friends. I find it mentioned everywhere, both online and offline.
I think that’s what anon is experiencing too.
I really don’t understand why people just lose all attraction as soon as mysteriousness is no longer a factor. And I’ve seen it happen with my own damn eyes, to me AND others.
I don’t get it.
It’s as if as soon as I become readily available to anyone, I suddenly become much more worthless and disposable too… Suddenly every other aspect of theif life takes priority and I’m number last. I guess because other things are only available conditionally whereas I’m pretty much always available? Idk.
Also if I’m not interested in someone, that someone always wants to interact. It’s as if life constantly works to spite me.
Getting to know people better can change your feelings about them… sometimes it makes them more attractive and sometimes less. I don’t know if anyone has found me less attractive after getting to know me but I’ve certainly had that happen with girls I’ve been attracted to.
If it’s a common experience for you it’s probably worth exploring whether or not it’s a you problem, and if so if it’s something you can and should correct. There’s no shortage of crappy, shallow people so maybe not but being introspective and honest with yourself is always good for you.
people also lie. they lie about who they are and they are often very different in private than how they are in public.
they also lie to themselves and broadcast a image or preferences that they don’t actually have, for social acceptance.
I usually need to get to know someone before they are attractive. I describe it as me being greedy, i want the full package not just one that looks nice.
I don’t think that’s greedy, I think that’s pretty normal.
I need to see how a person interacts in conversation to be attracted to them, as i am far more attracted to mannerisms and values than looks. A cute face is great, I couldn’t care much about body as long as a person is relatively healthy (this is a very broad range for me).
they lose attraction because they were never attracted to the person. they are attracted to the fantasy of the person.
and once you become too ‘real’ you destroy the fantasy and they have no more interest.
Why do you think romance books are SO HOT right now? because they are pure fantasy and lots of ladies want nothing but a fantasy romance and they are addicted to daydreaming, and they compare the real world romance to and it and angry it doesn’t ‘live up’ to the storybooks they read.
it’s like if a a guy was very angry and mad that he didn’t have superpowers after watching a bunch of Marvel movies or comic books… it’s absurd… people would mock and laugh at him.
but you if you tell women that they will just claim you are a misogynist and you are defending men for ‘failing’ by not being minotaur billionaires that they feel they ‘deserve’.
The irony is that a bunch of boys got into incel culture because a lot of the media they consumed had women as a prize or “side effect” of being the hero or a “good guy”, but got blindsided by real life not giving them any.
I don’t think that’s ironic, it just happens to
bothall genders because it’s a “people” thing, not a gender thing.People will say “men do this” or “women do this” depending on context, but really a lot of that could go either way.
It’s seen as misogynistic when people talk about women doing it, but when they talk about men doing that just seems all very well.
Why can’t we just say humans are flawed beings and leave it at that? There’s a lot of ways the media influences our perceptions, and not all of them good. Especially when it comes to gender dynamics.
I mean, just watch any rom-com from before 2010. Half of the stuff you see in them would be a Title IX violation on any college campus these days.
Also in my experience, a lot of women don’t like to openly express consent in spoken communication. If im in a situation where i think we should kiss, ill ask the first time and they’ll often say yes, and later confess to me that asking kinda killed the mood for them. Like sorry but consent is important and I’m not one to bank on my autisitc ass misreading subtle body language.
Yeah that’s something I think women are slowly learning how to rewire their brains around because, just like how popular culture shaped how men approached women, the same popular culture (and internalized misogyny) taught women that asking for consent is not sexy.
This appears to be changing from what I’ve read in various comments on audio porn geared towards women and also just from conversation with other women. I totally used to think asking for consent “ruined the mood”, and now with more knowledge I think there are many ways to ask for consent in a sexy way.
My favourite is to play a slight d/s game and make someone tell me what they want using their words (i also like it used on me). It’s a bit of a tease but people like it. And you get enthusiastic consent (I consider begging to be pretty enthusiastic).
I think these women who are saying it ruined the mood have some shit to work through, because you should be encouraged to ask for consent.
yep. same experience, it’s very much a ‘don’t do as I say’ type of thing.
I see a lot of people online talking about this mythical woman who asks for consent, swaps std tests, uses condoms religiously, and and finds it ‘sexy’ but I have never ever encountered such a person in real life. Also this supposedly ‘emotionally mature woman who clearly communicates what she wants from a man’… again never met such a woman.
Who I do meet, is women who hate consent, hate condoms, and if you asked them for an std test they’d tell you to fuck yourself. And then I see them go on social media and post about this stuff like it’s gospel. Like I remember once I had a girl insist we not use condoms, then the next morning I woke up she was on her phone posting on twitter talking how men who don’t use condoms are all trashy and abusive… she was projecting her own trash shitty sexual habits.
It’s almost as if what people say they want and what they actually do in real life is completely different.
I notice the same thing with ‘emotional intelligence’ trend going on lately. Everyone claims they are high EQ and demand a high EQ partner… and these are the same folks who throw a passive aggressive temper tantrums at you if you don’t reach for the check fast enough at the end of the date. It’s so insane who hypocritical it all is at the end of the day.
And the trippiest by far, since I am a straightforward and honest person, is getting told that being honest and straightforward is ‘manipulative’ or it’s a ‘strategy’ or something, because the concept of that is completely non-existent to them. They basically can’t ever be honest, so they think nobody else ever could be and I’ve had people straight up accusing me of lying when I’m telling the truth about like my intentions and desires in dating… like i say ‘i want kids’ and they hear ‘i am trying to manipulate you’. I also meet many women who are so weird about the kids thing, like they just incessantly lie about it because they feel like not wanting kids makes them ‘look bad’ so they lie and say they want them… it’s so fucking stupid and miserable.
people will just make up endless crazy bullshit rather than be straightforward and honest. but being honest with other folks means you have to be honest with yourself about who you really are… and that’s never going to happen for the vast majority of folks.
I’m worried about the std thing myself. I keep going over in my head how to pitch it to my next partner. I went raw in my last partner and i know she got around. If she offered raw to me, she likely did it for others as well. Im probably gonna get a test done soon and be willing to get one again if they don’t believe i haven’t had other partners since that test.
Its not even about blame its just about informed consent. Like a bad result isn’t necessarily a dealbreaker for me. I know i would feel terrible if i spread something. I think for most its an ignorance is bliss thing, if they don’t know they can ignore it and not take responsibility.
std stuff is not as black and white as folks thinks. you can have sex with an infected person and not get infected, and condoms aren’t perfect. etc.
it’s really just a matter of luck. but in my own case, oftentimes it was ‘have sex with no condom, or don’t have sex’ and she was the one demanding it so I just went along with it. a couple of times, I did very much regret it, and got myself tested and didn’t sleep with other people until I was clean. But I can only control myself. i can’t control how other people behave.
I’ve also dated a few people I insisted on using condoms with or not sleeping with them, because I was very confident they had an STD, given their self-reported behavior and drug use.
Informed consent is great… but you are not going to get it in most cases. you will just get testimony of the person and you have to use your own judgement. I’ve never seen anyone else’s STD test in my entire life, and I’ve never had a date ask me for mine. And the couple of times I brought up the topic it was violently shouted down or otherwise basically told it was a forbidden topic to ever bring up.
But online when I talk about this I get people lecturing me and flipping out at me and trying to get my comments removed as ‘hate’ because I don’t espouse this ideal scenario where we are swapping STD tests we just took two days ago and properly using condoms and dental dams and everything is this perfectly safe version of sex. I am confident that’ is just weirdos lying so they feel socially superior about it.
IN fact a couple of folks who used to preach about safe sex endlessly on what subreddit I was on… were eventually outed from the community because they had date raped other folks in the community… which tracks for me. They were preaching and preaching about consent and safe sex and in real life they were rapists. Just like all the weirdos who went on about how cheaters were scum and they’d never… were cheaters. etc.
I’m too old and lonely to play that shit. If talking about safe sex is gonna be rejected like that I’m just gonna leave them. I’ll give em a chance to come around and maybe we can link up again in the future but if we can’t have that conversation, well i guess we won’t be having unprotected sex. Or more likely any sex at all.
Just gonna say you have now encountered one. When I was single I was very big on consent, getting tested, and using condoms. Was very sexually active in my late teens (still am but LT relationship) and I never had an STI scare.
I think you should keep asking for consent/still tests and using condoms because women are also rewiring their brains to forget a lot of toxic shit just like you are. They’ll get there eventually. Women like me are out there, I think maybe less terminally online though.
Anytime somebody’s talking about someone with a high or low social value my brain fuckin turns off lmao it’s so dumb. Connection is what we should be seeking. Social media, and by extension online dating, has poisoned a lot of people’s brains.
My advice, don’t listen to these people and hold strong in your values and you will eventually sift through the shit and find somebody you have a connection with who finds it refreshing that youre honest or swap tests or ask for consent.