im not lying to myself about “not feeling anything about it”, because i know that i certainly would feel something if someone were to tell that to me in real life, you see?
but online… uhm… a recent post described the space as a “hugbox”. that’s a strong word and it doesn’t apply very much here, but online “hugs” and praises and whatever just never really get to me unless the peeps literally know me from irl, you see?
i was thinking more the other other way around. if you lie to yourself that you do, eventually the body starts agreeing.
as someone who just recently got medicated for depression and adhd and so couldn’t do the lying thing before due to chemical imbalance, i hate that it works now and that it makes me feel better. but it does, so i do it!
oh, i’m happy that you are receiving the medication you need.
i have also been diagnosed for depression and… it just lives in the family and such. but got no medication… mostly because my therapist, who i really hate, kept telling me that i can do it without and then finally ended up saying that i could search for a psychiatrist to do a test… which i ended up not doing because it felt wrong after being told so many times that i can do it alone… and also HRT is essentially that for me already… maybe. and i think its fine. am not sure about chemical stuff… whatever—
but yea i can see what u mean. but i won’t tell myself that i like it. because… i don’t. and generally, i’m always super crazy critical harsh with myself and - like to stay honest. with myself and others. so i won’t do it. i would essentially only do it for others so they get to feel happy about me feeling happy about receiving online praises or whatever… and that feels double-backwards in a way i don’t vibe with.
i got it without a diagnosis or a test by just talking it out with a local doctor who prescribed some stuff “just to see if it would help” and it did. it’s not perfect, i still get episodes, but i can get out of them myself now. i was worried that i would… lose myself, but what actually went away was some of the time that i just spend dissociating or procrastinating. i got more of me. but it makes sense that hrt would have a similar effect, as the stuff i got is also hormonal.
hugboxes are good sometimes because it makes you realise that just because you can doesn’t mean you have to. while it’s true that nobody but you controls your brain chemicals, being told that while full of bad brain chemicals is how you get a spiral going. and that’s when a hugbox comes in handy.
i have been actively working on not being my own worst critic for years at this point. i used to beat myself up over every little mistake, punish myself when i failed at tasks, and go into hiding when people disagreed with me online. being an overachiever with bad motor skills and bad braining skills is a shitshow. so i went into some sort of half-burnout coasting phase. and i used that to think to myself what the point was when the only one who cares is me. it took a long time to get out of that mindset and there are still remnants of it (no real sense of self, defining yourself by what you don’t like…) but i’ve made progress.
that’s why it’s so annoying that the lying thing works. if you’re stuck in a well and people are lowering a bucket, thinking “that bucket isn’t for me, it’s for fetching water”, then you’re going to continue being stuck. but if you think “maybe it is for me”, then you eventually get out.
…that’s the dumbest metaphor i’ve ever written, i think.
im not lying to myself about “not feeling anything about it”, because i know that i certainly would feel something if someone were to tell that to me in real life, you see?
but online… uhm… a recent post described the space as a “hugbox”. that’s a strong word and it doesn’t apply very much here, but online “hugs” and praises and whatever just never really get to me unless the peeps literally know me from irl, you see?
thank you, i appreciate it.
i was thinking more the other other way around. if you lie to yourself that you do, eventually the body starts agreeing.
as someone who just recently got medicated for depression and adhd and so couldn’t do the lying thing before due to chemical imbalance, i hate that it works now and that it makes me feel better. but it does, so i do it!
oh, i’m happy that you are receiving the medication you need.
i have also been diagnosed for depression and… it just lives in the family and such. but got no medication… mostly because my therapist, who i really hate, kept telling me that i can do it without and then finally ended up saying that i could search for a psychiatrist to do a test… which i ended up not doing because it felt wrong after being told so many times that i can do it alone… and also HRT is essentially that for me already… maybe. and i think its fine. am not sure about chemical stuff… whatever—
but yea i can see what u mean. but i won’t tell myself that i like it. because… i don’t. and generally, i’m always super crazy critical harsh with myself and - like to stay honest. with myself and others. so i won’t do it. i would essentially only do it for others so they get to feel happy about me feeling happy about receiving online praises or whatever… and that feels double-backwards in a way i don’t vibe with.
i am yap-maxxing now.
i’m fine with yap. and i get you.
i got it without a diagnosis or a test by just talking it out with a local doctor who prescribed some stuff “just to see if it would help” and it did. it’s not perfect, i still get episodes, but i can get out of them myself now. i was worried that i would… lose myself, but what actually went away was some of the time that i just spend dissociating or procrastinating. i got more of me. but it makes sense that hrt would have a similar effect, as the stuff i got is also hormonal.
hugboxes are good sometimes because it makes you realise that just because you can doesn’t mean you have to. while it’s true that nobody but you controls your brain chemicals, being told that while full of bad brain chemicals is how you get a spiral going. and that’s when a hugbox comes in handy.
i have been actively working on not being my own worst critic for years at this point. i used to beat myself up over every little mistake, punish myself when i failed at tasks, and go into hiding when people disagreed with me online. being an overachiever with bad motor skills and bad braining skills is a shitshow. so i went into some sort of half-burnout coasting phase. and i used that to think to myself what the point was when the only one who cares is me. it took a long time to get out of that mindset and there are still remnants of it (no real sense of self, defining yourself by what you don’t like…) but i’ve made progress.
that’s why it’s so annoying that the lying thing works. if you’re stuck in a well and people are lowering a bucket, thinking “that bucket isn’t for me, it’s for fetching water”, then you’re going to continue being stuck. but if you think “maybe it is for me”, then you eventually get out.
…that’s the dumbest metaphor i’ve ever written, i think.
hmmm nono thats a fun metaphor, i can see it.
thank you for writing this. i… hope that you find yourself at some point. am not quite sure how to respond to this…
you don’t have to :)