I’m gonna choose the side effect and you choose the power:
“I ___, but only when I’m hard.”am the world’s greatest kindergarten teacher
You can give moving public speeches
“can see”
Better take viagra!
become immensely popular as a male role model
save kittens from trees
That sounds nice. The newspapers will call me a hard hero.
Can revive the dead
“I’m gonna explain everything later, just don’t interfere.”
You can captivate the attention of any child. You’re a comedian or magician that would absolutely kill it at any children’s birthday party. You would be a fantastic teacher as you can hold the wrapped attention of even the most tiktok-corrupted teen.
Except, there’s just one small problem…
I’m Mr beast?
Every time I brush my teeth, they glow in the dark for the next 24 hours
The ability to turn lead into gold just by touching it and saying a short incantation.
Whenever you do this, you turn all the gold you aren’t touching within a kilometer radius into lead. That includes gold in electronics, so you would instsntly break every computer within a kilometer radius.
Folk with gold fillings better watch out!
The incantation is the full unedited script of The Bee Movie and you have to do a Seinfeld impersonation when reciting his lines.
You can never remember the incantation
you now have tourette’s and speak that incantation uncontrolably. the only medication for it is lead-based. lead is otherwise harmless to you.
the incantation is a 5min long praise of Jeffrey Epstein
The ability to change the probability of events happening
Applies only to non terrestrial events
You can only make things worse
Dang 😅 Who gets to decide whether I’m making something worse though?
Me.
You can’t pick which events. You only find out what they were after setting the likelihoods, and can never change them a second time.
You need to amass one kilogram of your own feces in a ceremonial bag for the power to take effect.
Name checks out, thank you Spiderman :3
I can pause time in order to write as much code as I want without interruption.
Stack overflow won’t load while time is paused.
It must be written in Malbolge Unshackled using a keyboard that alternates between DVORAK and QWERTY layouts with each keystroke.
The code can only be written in VB.Net.
You can only write ‘hello world’
Your code always crashes. Always.
Air also stops, so moving causes unimaginable levels of friction and you cannot breath.
Mind reading
Whenever you do it, the fact you’re reading someone’s mind is announced loudly in their mind and in the minds of anyone nearby.
When you read someone’s mind you involuntarily blurt out everything you read.
In exchange, all of your thoughts are broadcasted onto an account on every social media, no matter how small, with your name attached to it.
It turns out nobody really thinks often enough for you to get any information
All thoughts are formatted in .docx
deleted by creator
You fall into a right wing incel cult and get shot by the police after trying to kill a liberal politician.
deleted by creator
I can upvote or downvote as many times as I want
only you see it
I already have this power.
Teleportation
Your arms take an extra hour to arrive after each teleportation (yes, this delay stacks). You don’t bleed from this, but you have stub arms in the meantime.
Your accuracy is +/- 3 light years.
Every time you do it, you land on a poop
Just gotta carry disinfectant wipes and stuff I guess. I’d take this deal
infinite money
But it’s a currency you cannot spend or convert.
However, you must personally hand-deliver every employed person’s paychecks in your country.
No, you cannot move to the Vatican to avoid living in a populated nation.
You have to use the heaviest legal tender viable. E.g., 100 pennies as opposed to a dollar. You can buy a house, but you’d be doing so with many, many metric tons of copper.
Infinite bills
Be able to transform into animals
The transformation takes about a week each way. So you have a lot of awkward time where you’ve got furry privates and horrible clawed hands while you wait for the change to complete.
Oh you had to go there - Op becomes the most successful account on patreon.
The ability to choose side effects to other people’s super powers
You get hit with the same side effect
Okay, yeah, but then all you have to do is give everyone beneficial side effects.
Every single (non-human) animal is friendly to me.
The ability to find any file I please from anywhere I choose no matter how confidential or copyrighted it is. (It’s… for a Club Penguin archival project, yeah)
The download speed is always 10Kib/s.
It comes buried in a folder full of 999 other files, with names from 000 through 999. Which file it is is random.
All the other files are porn of your biggest turn-off. This is mostly just an annoyance.
Flying
Achieved like bats fly. Your arms and fingers have been transformed into wings.
Extreme fear of heights
You’re now a city pigeon.
you lose all leg strength
You can’t walk
You get struck by lightning
