nono i dont i just put stuff and write stuff and - whatever. that’s how i spend my time as of rn…
i - i just dont know rn. too many thoughts.
so… it still feels wrong to hear it. and i don’t like hearing it.
i read it and go “sigh yea that sure would be nice, wouldn’t it” and then comment “awawawa >///< noooo am not— verifiably not-- nono- impossibru” despite u know… not actually feeling anything about it.
im not lying to myself about “not feeling anything about it”, because i know that i certainly would feel something if someone were to tell that to me in real life, you see?
but online… uhm… a recent post described the space as a “hugbox”. that’s a strong word and it doesn’t apply very much here, but online “hugs” and praises and whatever just never really get to me unless the peeps literally know me from irl, you see?
i was thinking more the other other way around. if you lie to yourself that you do, eventually the body starts agreeing.
as someone who just recently got medicated for depression and adhd and so couldn’t do the lying thing before due to chemical imbalance, i hate that it works now and that it makes me feel better. but it does, so i do it!
oh, i’m happy that you are receiving the medication you need.
i have also been diagnosed for depression and… it just lives in the family and such. but got no medication… mostly because my therapist, who i really hate, kept telling me that i can do it without and then finally ended up saying that i could search for a psychiatrist to do a test… which i ended up not doing because it felt wrong after being told so many times that i can do it alone… and also HRT is essentially that for me already… maybe. and i think its fine. am not sure about chemical stuff… whatever—
but yea i can see what u mean. but i won’t tell myself that i like it. because… i don’t. and generally, i’m always super crazy critical harsh with myself and - like to stay honest. with myself and others. so i won’t do it. i would essentially only do it for others so they get to feel happy about me feeling happy about receiving online praises or whatever… and that feels double-backwards in a way i don’t vibe with.
i got it without a diagnosis or a test by just talking it out with a local doctor who prescribed some stuff “just to see if it would help” and it did. it’s not perfect, i still get episodes, but i can get out of them myself now. i was worried that i would… lose myself, but what actually went away was some of the time that i just spend dissociating or procrastinating. i got more of me. but it makes sense that hrt would have a similar effect, as the stuff i got is also hormonal.
hugboxes are good sometimes because it makes you realise that just because you can doesn’t mean you have to. while it’s true that nobody but you controls your brain chemicals, being told that while full of bad brain chemicals is how you get a spiral going. and that’s when a hugbox comes in handy.
i have been actively working on not being my own worst critic for years at this point. i used to beat myself up over every little mistake, punish myself when i failed at tasks, and go into hiding when people disagreed with me online. being an overachiever with bad motor skills and bad braining skills is a shitshow. so i went into some sort of half-burnout coasting phase. and i used that to think to myself what the point was when the only one who cares is me. it took a long time to get out of that mindset and there are still remnants of it (no real sense of self, defining yourself by what you don’t like…) but i’ve made progress.
that’s why it’s so annoying that the lying thing works. if you’re stuck in a well and people are lowering a bucket, thinking “that bucket isn’t for me, it’s for fetching water”, then you’re going to continue being stuck. but if you think “maybe it is for me”, then you eventually get out.
…that’s the dumbest metaphor i’ve ever written, i think.
iguess ur right, yea peeps can form onions based off of limited info, a limited word model of a person, that’s faaaaair ~ ~ ~ ~
i just don’t feel anything when i read it so it kinda… just feels unnecessary. it’s a different thing when someone comments on a post. cuz then it’s usually about the post, which is something they have a dense world model of. so like - that makes sense.
but just… calling me things like that just feels like nothing…
yea thats true, but they have seen me irl, which appears important to me. and they get a vibe muuuuch quicker than what one gets online i feel… but yeaaaa fair…
but but also: when i meet someone like 10 times irl and we yap, it feels like approx 4 times as info-dense as having online chats and stuffs-
…sometimes i feel its being pushed too hard.
sometimes i feel peeps don’t know enough about me to… form an informed opinion on me.
you choose what you present to the world.
and you sure present cute.
nono i dont i just put stuff and write stuff and - whatever. that’s how i spend my time as of rn…
i - i just dont know rn. too many thoughts.
so… it still feels wrong to hear it. and i don’t like hearing it.
i read it and go “sigh yea that sure would be nice, wouldn’t it” and then comment “awawawa >///< noooo am not— verifiably not-- nono- impossibru” despite u know… not actually feeling anything about it.
whatever - i hope u have a lovely day <3
just say the word and we’ll stop :)
and find even worse superlatives >:3 the annoying thing about lying to yourself about your feelings is that it works.
same to you maria, have a nice one!
im not lying to myself about “not feeling anything about it”, because i know that i certainly would feel something if someone were to tell that to me in real life, you see?
but online… uhm… a recent post described the space as a “hugbox”. that’s a strong word and it doesn’t apply very much here, but online “hugs” and praises and whatever just never really get to me unless the peeps literally know me from irl, you see?
thank you, i appreciate it.
i was thinking more the other other way around. if you lie to yourself that you do, eventually the body starts agreeing.
as someone who just recently got medicated for depression and adhd and so couldn’t do the lying thing before due to chemical imbalance, i hate that it works now and that it makes me feel better. but it does, so i do it!
oh, i’m happy that you are receiving the medication you need.
i have also been diagnosed for depression and… it just lives in the family and such. but got no medication… mostly because my therapist, who i really hate, kept telling me that i can do it without and then finally ended up saying that i could search for a psychiatrist to do a test… which i ended up not doing because it felt wrong after being told so many times that i can do it alone… and also HRT is essentially that for me already… maybe. and i think its fine. am not sure about chemical stuff… whatever—
but yea i can see what u mean. but i won’t tell myself that i like it. because… i don’t. and generally, i’m always super crazy critical harsh with myself and - like to stay honest. with myself and others. so i won’t do it. i would essentially only do it for others so they get to feel happy about me feeling happy about receiving online praises or whatever… and that feels double-backwards in a way i don’t vibe with.
i am yap-maxxing now.
i’m fine with yap. and i get you.
i got it without a diagnosis or a test by just talking it out with a local doctor who prescribed some stuff “just to see if it would help” and it did. it’s not perfect, i still get episodes, but i can get out of them myself now. i was worried that i would… lose myself, but what actually went away was some of the time that i just spend dissociating or procrastinating. i got more of me. but it makes sense that hrt would have a similar effect, as the stuff i got is also hormonal.
hugboxes are good sometimes because it makes you realise that just because you can doesn’t mean you have to. while it’s true that nobody but you controls your brain chemicals, being told that while full of bad brain chemicals is how you get a spiral going. and that’s when a hugbox comes in handy.
i have been actively working on not being my own worst critic for years at this point. i used to beat myself up over every little mistake, punish myself when i failed at tasks, and go into hiding when people disagreed with me online. being an overachiever with bad motor skills and bad braining skills is a shitshow. so i went into some sort of half-burnout coasting phase. and i used that to think to myself what the point was when the only one who cares is me. it took a long time to get out of that mindset and there are still remnants of it (no real sense of self, defining yourself by what you don’t like…) but i’ve made progress.
that’s why it’s so annoying that the lying thing works. if you’re stuck in a well and people are lowering a bucket, thinking “that bucket isn’t for me, it’s for fetching water”, then you’re going to continue being stuck. but if you think “maybe it is for me”, then you eventually get out.
…that’s the dumbest metaphor i’ve ever written, i think.
hmmm nono thats a fun metaphor, i can see it.
thank you for writing this. i… hope that you find yourself at some point. am not quite sure how to respond to this…
I do find when you write smol very cute tho
u mean this?
fair, i like that too. but i think it’s mostly fun for the novelty. i think its cutie too.
This way of talking
ooooh yea riiight- true i do that… didnt do it as much recently tho. hmm.
But we can form an opinion based on the limited knowledge we have about you…
…
…Cutie.
But yeah, both sides are being pushed a lot.
iguess ur right, yea peeps can form onions based off of limited info, a limited word model of a person, that’s faaaaair ~ ~ ~ ~
i just don’t feel anything when i read it so it kinda… just feels unnecessary. it’s a different thing when someone comments on a post. cuz then it’s usually about the post, which is something they have a dense world model of. so like - that makes sense.
but just… calling me things like that just feels like nothing…
anyway, thank you. have a lovely day.
When people meet you IRL, they often also only have a surface-level glimpse of you.
yea thats true, but they have seen me irl, which appears important to me. and they get a vibe muuuuch quicker than what one gets online i feel… but yeaaaa fair…
but but also: when i meet someone like 10 times irl and we yap, it feels like approx 4 times as info-dense as having online chats and stuffs-