I moved cities about 5 times between 18 and 30. Each time I had a pretty easy time making new friends in the place where I found myself, and learning a bit about myself and what I’m looking for in friendships, what I have to offer in a friendship, and the types of people I get along best with.
By the time I sorta settled down in my 30’s in one more new city, I had decades of building that actual skills of meeting new people, becoming good friends with the ones who got along with me, and then maintaining those friendships over time.
Now, in my 40’s, even with kids, I still make friendships at work, in the neighborhood, through my kids’ schools and activities, etc. Making the leap of “let’s hang out outside of the context where we met” grows easier when you’ve done it a million times before. And the act of scheduling friend interactions on your personal calendar becomes second nature over time, as well.
All this is to say that it’s a feedback loop, and you want to be in the virtuous cycle, not the vicious cycle. But if you are in the spiral, breaking out of it can pay dividends faster than you’d expect.
Take everything here with a grain of salt, I’m also trying to figure this stuff out…
A large part of having friends is being somebody other people want to be around.
A lot of our behaviors and coping mechanisms come from our parents. So if they’re lonely and have no friends, you should examine why that is, and try to change it in yourself.
A lot of stoicism and “masculinity” are actually highly hostile to having relationships, too. Being too cool, judging, offering opinions at certain times, etc. It’s not your fault you were raised this way, but unfortunately it does fall to your shoulders to fix it if you even want to.
You really have to put out a lot more than you think, because what you think is wrong and why you’re lonely.
“The party [REALLY doesn’t start until you] walk in.” - tiktok, kesha. Or in this case, the finding of people doesn’t start until you do it; the relationships don’t start until you build them; etc.
Relationships are two-way streets and require some work.
Also, people need to be okay with being fucking weird and vulnerable more.
A lot of our behaviors and coping mechanisms come from our parents. So if they’re lonely and have no friends, you should examine why that is, and try to change it in yourself.
One of my friends realized after therapy they had a lot of behaviors from their dad. Stuff they hated when their dad did (lashing out when uncomfortable, mostly). Once they saw it, they were able to work on it. Before that, it had been a real source of friction with friendships.
Pay your roommate
Tabletop gaming and regular movie nights for my friends at my house keeps my circle together.
I’m in my mid 40s and have about a dozen friends and many more acquaintances that I see regularly for reasons exactly like this. In person Pathfinder with local friends, online D&D with some remote friends, and earlier this year started going to local fighting game community events which has caused a huge influx of new friends.
Wait until one of you (and no one else) has kid(s).
Board games are good. I like the crazy verbal ones like Cards Against Humanity or Rappakalja (which is called Balderdash in English accordign to Wikipedia), but something like Catan will also do.
Yesterday we went to the cinema in a local art deco cinema, that was pretty cool actually. They had couches in the back. The newest Jodie Foster movie of all things.
There’s the local requirement though. I have zero contact to anybody from my youth, I moved, completely changed my lifestyle, they moved… My friends now are much more recent.
For future reference, tabletop gaming usually doesn’t refer to board games that usually refers to things like dungeons& dragons, cyberpunk, Pathfinder, and their ilk.
We do DnD mainly. Some times we break out the MTG decks.
“It’s so hard to make friends”
“What are your neighbors like?”
“Idk, I’ve never talked to them”
I tried to hang out with mine at a backyard bbq and discovered they’re all maga fox consuming cult members. Made me like where I live less so now I actively avoid seeing them
I’ve got a mixed bag of neighbors and we mostly avoid talking politics. If they’re hosting the bbq, I’m not sure why you’d complain. Seems like they’ve got no grudge against you
Part of the problem for this guy is he is not a good person who by the last conversation is almost certainly harassing women.
goddamn bro, why do you got to come at me like that
I feel like a lot of people who bemoan the lack of friends also don’t invest in friendship. Don’t show up when invited, don’t organize anything themselves.
I used to run a book club and a board game club, and it was always kind of a struggle to get people to show up. The pull of “just go home and look at Instagram” is strong, I guess.
I feel like I have the exact opposite scenario. It’s other people who don’t know how to keep a friendship alive, for me. Like, I can reach out, ask if they want to do something, and either never get anything back or get a “I already had some plans after work to play a game with so and so.”
Mind you, I let this person live with me when they wanted out of the bad situation they were in. I also was there for the “so and so” when their mother passed away. Even before then, I drove that person around because they were an adult and didn’t even have their license yet! I drove them to their mother, who was an hour away at a hospital (we live in a small town). I drove them to pick up food and whatnot. I was there for both of them, and never bothered them with any of my issues (because I could handle my own at that time).
I did all of that for these two people, and yet, somehow, I am the one left behind in the friendship. It’s just insulting. So, in my opinion, there are just a lot more people out there than isn’t that are just not good people or don’t give a fuck about anything other than themselves!
I just think the modern era, and my way of thinking, don’t jive.
Part of that falls under the “don’t show up when invited” umbrella, but mostly that sucks. I’m sorry you feel like your efforts and friendship efforts weren’t appreciated.
I’ve definitely had a couple friends (“friends”) that were lopsided. I remember posting about one way back in the 2000s on some web forum, and a guy with a otter(?) avatar told me “This guy, that flakes on your plans and only shows up when it works for him? He doesn’t respect you. Don’t put up with that”. Good advice from a small furry animal, I think.
Some people just aren’t worth it. Maybe they were in the past. Maybe they will be again. But I find it’s important to have boundaries for oneself. It can be hard to balance.
Never make yourself a priority to someone who treats you as an option.
It’s entirely okay. I just don’t think I’ll meet another person who has the scruples, beliefs, or even common interests that I have. It is sad, but that’s just how it is sometimes. shrugs
Thanks for the tip! I left them behind last year, and even though I miss them, they must not feel the same because I still haven’t gotten an apology about how they dog piled on me for cracking a joke about RFK being a Trump substitute. Even more funny when I saw that he was joining Trump’s cabinet, and still heard no apologies or even acknowledgement that I was right. It’s not even about being right, I just don’t see how they could take all of those good times we shared together and throw it away for the regime.
Anyway, thanks for the talk, and I hope you have a beautiful rest of the day! :)
Some of us were sensitive to armchair betrayals to begin with, and can’t endure letting another snake in the garden.
I feel that you’ve severely misrepresented or misunderstood why people don’t show up to things. Assuming that they’re just addicted to instagram or whatever is such a crappy take.
Most adults are tired. They’re under paid, over worked, over stressed, and just plain worn down. The weight of a world designed to crush them has done its job very well.
People don’t show up because they’re depressed and stuck in a hole they don’t know how to get out of.
Source: I live in the real world. Also, I too run book clubs and shit and have seen people struggle to stay engaged.
“go home and look at Instagram” is largely a stand-in for “I’m tired and can’t muster the energy to do anything that feels more effortful”.
In my limited experience, the trick to getting out of the hole is doing the hard thing anyway. That and professional advice and medication as appropriate. You can’t to my knowledge willpower your way out of clinical depression. But ultimately if you want out of the hole, you have to climb out, regardless if that means therapy, medication, or being mildly uncomfortable. It’s not going to fix itself.
You just explained why people go home and scroll though
Having kids, having to work…
Thank you for your service though.
My new home country has a thing called talkoot: it means people get together to do some work for someone (or the community), then this someone offers food & sauna (and that means socialising, an excuse to crack a beer etc). Historically used when building houses, it is now a neat trick to both get together and get some work done. Or free food & sauna.
What you said applies to old friendships mostly. And yeah, they need maintenance. But today it’s really hard to connect with new people if you’re not a party person. The spaces where you would usually go to meet other interesting folks like libraries, parks or similiar are mostly devoid of people, and people who are there are there to chill out and, mostly, don’t really want to be bothered.
And I felt nothing but respect for you when I’ve read you ran clubs so that talks for itself. That requires hella energy and commitment xD
But just tomake sure I am clear - I do agree with you. It just goes further than this.
I want to add it’s especially difficult if you work in a field that’s dominated by the opposite gender. My partner and I work in the same field. He’s made a few friends at work, because they’re all guys and connected over guy things.
On the other hand, I’m the only woman in my department, younger than all my male coworkers. The very few women that work in the company I don’t click with either due to language barrier or (mostly) completely different interests.
And then my partner points fingers as if I don’t want to make friends. All of his actual, IRL friends are either school or work friends. People who have friends mostly from childhood or school underestimate how difficult it is to find new ones outside work as an adult. Especially if you’re not into partying and drinking alcohol.
I usually recommend Meetup or similar. There’s a bunch that are just get togethers for board games or whatnot.
But you have to keep going. I think people expect to like go once and make a new best friend and partner. You usually need a lot of interactions to level up from “stranger” to “person I see sometimes” to friend.
I also ran a small meetup for a while before the pandemic. Made a few friends that way, but it’s a lot of thankless work.
It’s a very widespread problem, and I don’t know how much to blame on media and culture vs human nature. Maybe some magical thinking too.
Basically, it’s the issue of people being on autopilot and expecting the life they’re supposed to have just happening to them. Interpersonal relationships are a huge part of it.
I must be the luckiest person on the planet according to this stuff. I ought to feel more blessed honestly
You’re probably also quite young. In my 20s I had a huge friend circle. 20 years later it shrank to just a few.
Nah, I’m a few months short of 40, just good circumstances I suppose, a dozen good friends, not many people around I don’t want in my life, I’ll just count my blessings
Where did you meet your friends?
By showing up to parties, inviting them to stuff, and just being generally helpful to them. The ones that reciprocate are worth keeping around, the ones that don’t can go on their way. Getting inviteed to the right parties is part of the luck I suppose
How do you get invited to parties without friends?
Wait for people to buy cases of beer at the store and follow them. With a bit of luck, you can blend right in.
This is several of the plotlines running through Superbad.
This seems like bad advice.
Not if you also bring a case of beer yourself
Sure, if you’re a skateboarding legend.
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There are clubs for all sorts of stuff, nerdy stuff like chess or magic the gathering, hiking clubs, photography clubs, whatever hobby you have, there’s probably people out there with a club to share it. Just go and be a decent person, good chance you’ll find people who click with you, then you go from there
This can be a problem for people not in or near a city. Hell I live 40 miles from St. Louis and I struggle to find groups without them being the kinds of people I’d feel uncomfortable around. Like I love movies, but every film group I can find are the ones that want to watch movies while drunk or go get drunk afterwards. I can’t stand being around people drinking alcohol cause they tend to always be annoying (from personal experience anyway cause I’ve never been around a pleasant drunk person). Same thing happened when I finally saw a video game group on Meetup. Granted it seemed odd cause it was at someone’s home, but I signed up for it. Only for the host to message everyone the night of how much alcohol he had and where to put more at without mentioning if they had any non-alcoholic drinks.
Yeah, I quit drinking, so I get that, especially in places where that’s the main form of entertainment. I’m not surprised my advice doesn’t account for everybody, we’re all on our own journeys, and the world ain’t necessarily easy mode
I suspect my tiny town might be less diverse than you think! But I appreciate the advice. Much gratitude to you.
people really don’t appreciate how barren anytown USA is…want to drive 30m to nearest movie theater or get drunk in a cornfield, maybe smoke weed and watch a movie at home, alternatively get drunk at local dive bar… those are your 4 options for culture
You know, I’ve never gotten drunk in a cornfield, but there is one across the street from my house …
I’m grateful to have a group of friends that have all stayed in touch since elementary school. Discord has been a huge part of being able to stay friends as well have all gotten older. It’s become our third space, there is almost always someone in the chat every night so we can drop in chat and catch up, people come and go as they can, it works well for us and gives us a no pressure way to stay in touch
Poor bastard hasn’t even got a naive son asking why hes such a loser
Because Jessica won’t respond to his messages
Its definitely not Jessica’s fault he doesn’t have a son. Not her problem that this man can’t get laid.
I usually maxed out at one person at a time anyway, so finding a spouse fit my life quite easily. Which, incidentally, has mostly exempt me from this scenario.
However the random requirement to socialize with other people’s spouses and other couples due to children… Well, that’s necessity. Like work.
I am friendly and socialable at work, which ends everyday at the agreed upon time. That doesn’t keep me up at night.
Making, having and keeping friends is hard work.
I live in a super antisocial country and in 5 years I was able to make 15+ friends, a lot of them are close friends. Not all do i see every day, but I try to put in effort to keep in touch with them.
I worked really hard on getting out and meeting people, and it paid off.
TOO REAL ALERT
Oh you’re friends with Mr. Likely as well!
