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Two things I hate about our culture: mononormativity (it’s like heteronormativity, but with monogamy instead of heterosexuality) and platonic amatonormativity (demonizing casual sex and bodily, carnal, and sexual connections in general, and divinizing an almost ascetic mental, psychological, and “spiritual” connection [whatever that may be, everyone defines it as they please], being a consequence of the cultural hegemony of Abrahamic religions (Christianity, Judaism, and Islam)).
Don’t think either heteronormativity or mononormativity is bad. There are expectations of other people and it is OK to always assume a new person is monogamous cis hetero, just because this is the majority.
Im not sure ive ever seen a post with this much jargon, and the fact that you spend half the time defining jargon in the post is… something
Informative!
I guess I’m your polar opposite in that. I think having as intimate and strong a bond as you can with just one other person who returns that in full is one of the most valuable things a person can have in life.
I lost my wife to cancer about a decade back. I’m still in my 40s, so people keep expecting me to find someone else and bringing that up. That’s unthinkable to me. I wasn’t promising to love her and hold her above all others until she died, I was promising it for my life. Me being hers, her being mine, two being one, etc.
It has nothing to do with religion. It has everything to do with love and integrity. If I had a similar relationship with another person now I would see that as invalidating so many things, turning the things that mean the most to me into lies. Every “forever”, “no matter what”, “this life and any after”, “one and only” or any similar thing I ever said would retroactively become lies. All the other things about her being the most important, or coming first, or any other endearment that didn’t specify ongoing and (if possible) eternal would retroactively have contingencies attached that clearly they only count unless that selfish bitch dies of something.
It feels so wrong to both her and anyone I would move on to and such a betrayal of my own personal values that it’s unthinkable to me on the level of cannibalism. When people expect me to move on my revulsion is what I expect it would be if there was a dead person laying there and those people expected me to start eating them.
I didn’t need a cultural hegemony of Abrahamic religions to make me feel that eating the corpse of another human or torturing an infant to death is unthinkably wrong, and it’s the same with this.
First of all, I am very sorry about your wife, I really know what it feels like to lose someone to cancer since I also lost my father to cancer, when I was 11 years old. I wish you strength and health.
I think having as intimate and strong a bond as you can with just one other person who returns that in full is one of the most valuable things a person can have in life.
Now to this, I’m not saying that psychological bonds or intimacy are not important or bad. What I really mean is that people demonize another equally important and good form of intimacy, physical and sexual, and for younger people, experimentation without commitments before a more serious relationship, which even correlates with a greater likelihood of being satisfied in future serious relationships (monogamous or polygamous), and less likelihood of cheating. Although polygamous AND open relationships, I think they are the best, even if on the other hand they are more difficult to have and maintain, because there is evidence that points to the fact that people are less likely to feel dissatisfied with a relationship if they can still experiment with other people.
It feels so wrong to both her and anyone I would move on to and such a betrayal of my own personal values that it’s unthinkable to me on the level of cannibalism. When people expect me to move on my revulsion is what I expect it would be if there was a dead person laying there and those people expected me to start eating them.
This is clearly a false equivalency fallacy. You can’t compare those things. I don’t think that getting another couple is something bad or makes everything you promised to her false. You may not like to do that, and that’s totally respectable, but criminalizing or dehumanizing it is way too much. I think that’s part of letting go, and I’m not trying to minimize your feelings nor the feelings of people that’s living something similar, but telling that it’s a form of self-care and self-healing.
First, I didn’t say I wanted to criminalize people having another relationship if a spouse dies. It seems completely wrong and awful to me, however I understand that not all people are going to hold the same views and values. I can only live by mine to the best of my ability, I don’t try to impose them on others. But yes, me doing that would very literally would make a lot of the things I’ve said in the past lies.
Again, we’re polar opposites on this. I’m not making a false equivalence. I’m trying to explain my level of revulsion on this issue as it’s not something you’d understand. It’s something I find to be completely and absolutely immoral.
It changes the primary focus and most important aspect from the bond of love and dedication between two people, to not having to be lonely and go without fucking someone. It seems base, and degrading to anything that should hold true meaning and value.
I really think it’s a personal thing for your happiness right? You seem happy to carry her memory and knowing that’s exactly what matters to you. If others need someone around, or that you can share the future moments with, then you aren’t lying about it being “forever” if you continue living life, life changes lots of things. Sharing that love with someone is huge, but they also wanted to be with you for it. They can’t be, so if someone finds someone else and they want to walk through life together I’d like to think someone can find that.
Some are happy with the memory, and their values hold that they would never involve another. But others know that they needed each other to get through the good and the bad, and that person isn’t here anymore. They’ll never be the same as the person who is gone, but it doesn’t mean having them in your life is a “failure” or “betrayal”
It definitely does to me. It would very literally make many of the things I said lies. Yes, most humans would consider doing that acceptable and understandable, but that honestly makes it worse to me, not better. It seems like the bulk of humanity values their own personal comfort, the happiness or pleasure of the now, and not being stuck alone more than they value the honesty and integrity of words and promises they made that at the time felt like the most important a thing could be.
It changes the primary focus and most important aspect from the bond of love and dedication between two people, to not having to be lonely and go without fucking someone. It seems base, and degrading to anything that should hold true meaning and value.
Damn. What did OP do to get banned from shit posting of all things?
As a fairly new Lemmy user, it’s a bit creepy how often I see seemingly normal posts made in the last few hours along with that big red “Banned from community” tag. Starting to feel like there are just snipers on the rooftops waiting to off people who happen to walk by.
The good news is on Lemmy you can check to see what the moderators claim they did wrong, assuming they didn’t write “None” for the reason like some of the garbage tier moderators do.
In this case, they allege some of this user’s posts were racist.
So their post “Cueta, Spain right now” was deleted and they were banned for it being racist. I tried to search for whatever the image was in case they’d reposted with an existing title and didn’t find anything… other than learning apparently the situation in Ceuta is completely insane.
I hadn’t heard that news. I had no idea Spain controlled that tiny bit of land at the tip Africa beside Morocco.
But much as the situation is awful and doesn’t seem like a super tasteful topic for a shit post, without seeing whatever it was I can’t see how it could be racist. Looking in to Ceuta you can see it has a crazy history, it’s been part of Spain for like 400 years, and the inhabitants are a mix of people from many places over time, with the bulk of them being much closer to Morrocan than Spanish.
The whole situation is shit, but I don’t see how you could term the folk from one side of a border crossing en masse and loads of violence and death as “racist.”
Racism is bad. Not trying to defend it or anything. But unless my settings are wrong OP has 5 posts in the top 30 of the last day in all of LemmyLand. He’s half of the top 10 in the last day on this relatively active sub. Sort of sucks to see how slow Lemmy really moves, but that makes it even more weird for one of the people making posts with the most interaction on the platform for a given day to be banned a week. I’m really curious to see that deleted post now.
Notice that there’s 2 posts that were removed for racism. The other one was posted 15 days prior, and was an image of a black mark zuckerburg with a comment below it implying that that was the version who steals data, which is clearly a racist post. The moderator who removed it added the comment “Next racist post gets a perma-ban”.
The post with the Cueta post that got them banned had the post title of ‘Cueta right now’, but was an image of an invasion from Lord of The Rings, equating the Cueta migrants as essentially a ‘barbarian horde’, which has traditionally been used by right-wing media as a racist scare tactic to make their viewers see non-white migrants as evil hordes who are ‘invading’ their country.
Both memes were clearly very racist, but despite that, they only received a temporary 1-week ban (I would’ve given a permanent ban for such blatant racism, myself).
(Aside: Strange, how is it that you can see the posts that were deleted? It seems unlikely you’d have such great recall of an image and caption you just happened to see 15 days ago based entirely on the title “Marcus”, but if it’s accurate that is definitely fucked up and racist.)
The Ceuta (It’s spelled Ceuta, the title had it wrong) post I can understand remembering since it was within the last 24 hours. It was tens of thousands of people organized to swarm across a border en masse. An invading army seems sort of fitting for a meme. The people on both sides of this issue are ethnically and racially similar. What’s racist about that?
That seems more like a personal bias on your and the moderator in question’s ends than genuine racism. It seems more like you’re allowing the Republican bullshit to taint your own thinking. This situation has nothing to do with race.
Edit Ahhhhhh. Now I get it. Someone messaged and told me it was probably a meme Trump posted. I get people frowning on anyone who seems to be trying to amplify his stupid bullshit or agreeing with him on anything. I’d imagine Trump heard news thousands of Africans from Morocco were storming across the border into Spain and did imagine he could twist it to be some sort of race issue.
But Trump is a fucking moron. It’s not a race issue at all. The location and history of Ceuta changes the entire picture. I’m not surprised that the Trump admin wouldn’t understand that, but it’s not hard to see if you look for a minute. Any attempt to paint the situation in racist light is just idiocy.
The truth is we have no idea whether or not the post was racist; we only know that one of the moderators of that community thought it was (or wanted others to think it was).
If it was really racist, I’m glad it’s gone and I’m glad they’re banned.
If not, the opposite.
But like I said, we’ll probably never know the truth. DMing the involved parties could just result in them lying about the content of the post.
7 separate posts to the community within an hour of each other, shit posting or not that’s spammy/ rep farming behavior and deserves some kind of mod action. Banned doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a perm ban.
Is there rep farming on lemmy?
I thought that Karma or total up/down vote accounts are not a thing here?
That’s not what their moderation history says they were banned for.
How can I look for what a specific user got banned (wihtout searching the entire history) ?
How can I look for what a specific user got banned (wihtout searching the entire history) ?
Assuming I understand your question (it wasn’t written very well):
You can’t, but if it’s recent at all like this, you don’t even have to scroll. On desktop, you click the three dots and there are two options for Moderation History that should give you some idea.
Rep farming? How? I’m new to Lemmy but there doesn’t seem to be any sort of user rating or score. Up/down votes on posts or comments don’t seem to effect anything other than that specific post or comment.
There seem to be very few people working hard to support Lemmy communities by making new posts for others to interact with. Seeing the same handful of usernames on posts over and over is the norm. Looking back through the last 24 hours this community only has 40 posts including OPs. That’s under 2 posts per hour. On a day when OP made 7 whole posts. And this is one of the fastest moving communities on Lemmy.
That’s not good. That’s one of the reasons main a lot of people who do try Lemmy don’t stick around. I can see messaging a user to have a conversation if they start posting a lot to the community, maybe saying to space things out a bit, but not any sort of banning.
A woman once told me sex with me is like microdosing. We’re not friends anymore.
I don’t get it?
🤨
Neither did she
My assumption is they either have a small peepee or poor stamina in terms of lasting. Should still be able to get around either of those issues with the right partner so long as you are both willing to try things (dildo, more hands or mouths involved instead of penetration etc.)
I’ve noticed a distinct trend of high-quality incel-bait in this comm, and I’m here for it.
It’s not just funny as fuck to see their hands get slapped because they just can’t resist spewing that garbage… the new tags next to their usernames are also worth their weight in pure gold!
Ironically, can confirm. I just offered nudes a lot, I didn’t even ask for any back. I also got a lot more offers from guys, a lot more interaction.
From what I’ve seen the gay community is full of ‘friends with benefits’. Seems pretty great. Sometimes I resent being straight, where monogomy is basically the only option, and any attempt to break out of it would make me look like a creep.
any attempt to break out of it would make me look like a creep.
This depends.
If you’re attempting to convince someone who wants a monogamous relationship to have an open one or be poly then yes that is not only creepy, but outright abusive.
There are people out there for you. Go find them, but please don’t bother someone who doesn’t want that type of arrangement.
She initially told me she was ok with it, then changed her mind when the opportunities arose. Now I’m torn between my own selfish desires and the life we’ve built together.
Sometimes I resent being straight, where monogomy is basically the only option
There’s plenty of poly/enm people. I know people who have success there, and had some myself.
Counter intuitively, it lead to fewer dates for me than monogamy. There’s a smaller pool of people. I’m still rolling the same dice trying to clear DC 18, but when I had it filtered to poly I was making like one check a week, versus like two a day.
Oh you haven’t met the right people bud lol once you find that world it grows big.
I mean, you can be poly.
I just have never met anyone that seems happy in those relationships. I’m sure they exist somewhere but most of my friends are miserable and pretty single despite their openness.
Ive been in an extremely successful poly relationship for multiple years now. Almost 6 years with one partner and a little more than 3 with the other.
Its definitely possible to be successful and happy in polyamory… its just a lot of work for everyone involved.
Having multiple romantic relationships sounds very stressful to me
The biggest thing is consent across all parties. You can absolutely cheat in poly. You can betray and be betrayed in Poly. And with the multiple relationships comes with having to be there for multiple partners at all times. So imagine how difficult a single relationship can be in terms of emotional and romantic commitment, it’s multiplied by every partner.
But I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Been married to my partner for 8.5 years. One GF for nearly 6 and another who was a long time friend turned GF for about 2 years now.
My partner and I are pretty happy poly people. Been going over a decade now, never better
Poly/Pan FTW!
One of my best friends is poly and going on a 10 year marriage. I consider myself poly but haven’t made it work. I think it really comes down to who you date and now comfortable they are with not being monogamous.
I think some people get it right away and then it doesn’t become a relationship or they don’t and if doesn’t become a relationship. But I have met many people that fit the stereotype that “poly” doesn’t work. There were always other problems that made it not work. Like drugs or criminal cases.
If you want to sleep around just don’t have a partner and have at it. Plenty of of women need the D out there
Hook up culture is very much a thing for straight people. Friends with benefits and booty calls are very normalized. I know several people who have lists of potential bang buddies. I knew of a few friend groups when i was younger where nearly every guy had slept with every girl in the group. If you dont want to be monogamous, just make that clear with potential partners. In my experience i actually struggle to get into monogamous relationships these days as many people don’t really want to commit to someone.
I’m happily married for nearly 20 years now. But, before then, there were definitely a few fwb. Some were infrequent, others near constant depending on where we were partying at.
I don’t know, afaik it’s something rather rare/niche, most of people I see (both IRL and in Internet) have basically almost divinized or made a cult out of platonic love, “spiritual and mental connection” and all that. Not that I hate those things, I’d like to have these too, but I’d also like to have physical connection and most of the people demonize that; sometimes somebody just wants to have a one-night, non-serious adventure or whatever you call that, but then they get treated almost like serial killers.
It’s a thing but you have waaay more opportunities if you’re a gay man, at least if you’re somewhere with a decent population on Grindr!
Right cause straight people dont use things like tinder for quick sex. Given its still a minority population thats gay id say your chances of finding platonic sex while straight is as high or higher than finding a hook up while gay. The per capita gay FWB may be higher, but the sheer population of straight people skews the numbers to still being pretty easy to find just sex for straight people.
I haven’t done any scientific comparison of the two groups, and I’m not a member of both groups either so I can’t speak from personal experience either… however, from what I understand, fallible though that may be, it’s simply a combination of the per capita rate, combined with it being pretty easy to get on grindr, hit up a gay bar, or whatever.
As a result, the relevant comparison isn’t “number of potential partners in the whole population” but “proportion of potential partners in a population I can narrow down to, provided that population is big enough.” Say there are 1,000 gay men on grindr in a town, and 20,000 straight women on tinder in the same town. What I think is true is that a higher proportion of those people on grindr are DTF with some rando than of the women on tinder, so your practical experience as a gay or straight man looking for a no-strings shag will be different.
But yeah, I guess I should caveat my original message that I can’t be super confident.
I may have worded my response poorly as your explanation is similar to what i meant. If half of the 1000 gay men are DTF that would be 500 potential rando partners or 50% of their population. You would only need 2.5% of the 20,000 women to be DTF to have the same number of 500 potential partners. Regardless if you aren’t confident you won’t be as successful in either group.
I’m not a member of either populace, but as far as I can tell from online discourse the male tinder experience would depend heavily on how hot they look.
Maybe it’s a location/age thing, but I missed out on all that. I always made it clear up front what I wanted, and they’d often indicate they’re on board initially - until things got serious or an opportunity actually presented itself, then the insecurities came out and suddenly it’s all “Am I not enough for you!?”
In the latest case she really had me convinced, even though an opportunity never arose to put it to the test. Told me she was bi, said she wanted to see me with other women, said she was cool with an open marriage - everything I wanted to hear. It was only after marriage & kids that it became apparent she was NOT actually ok with it.
Funny that you’re having the opposite problem. Grass is always greener…
Ok I’m laughing my ass off over here. You impregnated this woman multiple times but now you’re mad she won’t open the relationship?
So you never did any of these things you say are foundational…before having multiple children together lol.
Ok well, you’re cooked because the 1 circumstance where monogamy would be preferable for a sexually adventurous woman is…drumroll…postpartum trying to survive raising babies. She can probably hardly deal with your ass right now much less other men or your relationship dreams.
Go take care of your kids. You will pass go again in , at most, 18 years or upon the breakup with your baby mama.
They’re known as ‘unicorns’ for a reason. Where I live you aren’t exactly tripping over women that want to be a mistress or join a threesome. My single friends sometimes have ‘friends with benefits’, but they are other singles - they aren’t fucking around with couples or married guys.
We met in our 30s and I wasn’t going to put our life on hold until the chance arose to test it. She genuinely seemed to want it - the constant, unprompted, dirty talk about me with other women when we were intimate really had me sold.
I know I’m cooked now. I was just commenting on how much less cooked I would be, in the same exact situation, if I were gay.
Lots of people have this big chasm between fantasy and reality that they just can’t get over
Seems similar to mine as well! I always said I wanted to have a threesome. She was like that could work one day because she did have an interest with trying things with another girl as well. Win win! Been married 15 years now and this has never happened lol. It’s still talked about and we did finally try going to a strip club together as a trial run a few years ago. It actually turned out great surprising enough! As for the actual deed? Im not holding my breath as we continue to get older, but I can still dream!
Try a swing bar.
There’s definitely options if you go looking
Eh, it’s easy to avoid girls even when your straight. Just work in STEM and spend all your money on a place so you can workout and cook at home. It’s super easy to avoid any contact if you really stick to it.
/s if I wasn’t clear.
You joke but as an overworked trades guy who recently bought a fixer upper house and trying to gainweight/muscle mass this is actually my life.
Most of my time not at work is spent repairing something at home, doing chores, working out, or cooking. Usually multitasking them like doing the dishes while resting between sets.
does 80% 1RM x3 and then juliennes carrot like a mf
Oh it’s actually my life too, I was just joking about it being advice. Stay strong brother.
Yeah, it’s quite nice. My ex and I were/are open, and it was fun. My master is basically asexual (and I’m the absolute opposite), so he has let me play with anyone I have asked about. A local cutie I play with occasionally has a gf, and they are also open.
Though I haven’t played around outside of the furry community in a decade, and haven’t dated outside it since… Nearly 20 years. So my pool of potential partners is relatively very small, but (I think, at least) they are wonderful, so =)
Knowing how the “hardware” works. Having a deep shared understanding of the societal expectations on each others gender. Able to share clothes… I do wonder what it would be like to be gay. Seems pretty great. How can I join the club?
Oh yes. It’s our 13th anniversary, and we had a fight yesterday, so I was forced into “serious conversation” today, so I fucked off into the night for a breather. I don’t need any of that bullshit, but it comes with the whole package.
Momentous occasions can bring joy, but also added stress.
I feel like she is just into the wrong kind of guys.
Because women only want what that don’t have. If they have big tits they want a reduction, if they have small tits they want a boob job, if they have blonde hair they want brunette, if they have brunette hair they want blonde, if they have curly hair they want strait…
Every… Single… Woman I’ve dated has bitched about something they didn’t have naturally. The same with men, all these women that “never met good guys” have, they just ignored them because they could have them.
Men do this too. Stop generalizing.
Spoiler: it’s just a human thing and it’s the same for everyone, be it women, men and non-binary…
Every… Single… Woman I’ve dated has bitched about something they didn’t have naturally. The same with men
It’s funny that after your anti-women rant you state that men have the same problem then go right back to bashing women after those 4 words.
Maybe there’s a different reason instead of them being women. Maybe replace women with people and then realize that’s why we all suck.
This is a revealing post.
Sounds like you’re into the wrong kinds of women.
Enjoy being miserable!
Jeez a little chuddy there buddy.
If you replace women in your comment with people, you’d be right. But acting like dudes also don’t do this is super not it.
You’re conflating lack of confidence is their appearance with greed. They’re not the same thing.
Hmm… maybe all those women you dated have something in common
You dropped your fedora.
-signed definitely not a nice guy
It’s not friend zoned its prostitute zoned.
How is it prostitute zoned if money isn’t involved?
Because sometimes people need shelter, food, or protection
It can still be a transaction without money changing hands
You’ve made quite an insane assumption seeing this post and deciding that it had to be transactional.
I’m not sure I’ve ever met someone “friendzoned” using a partner for that. Maybe for emotional support but what you described there is more how toxic relationships go down.
I have extensive experience with those, so that’s probably the lens I viewed the comment through.
No one fucks their friends.
I only fuck my enemies.
Wait until they hear about fuck buddies and allat
You can take the friend out of the fuck, but you can’t pull the fuck out of the friend… or something
My wife is my best friend and I’m pretty sure I fuck her.
